Geocaching - Grounds For Divorce?

November 20, 2003

Hey - I need some feedback from any of you that think you can help. My wife HATES geocaching and everything it stands for. She even went so far as to log on here as me and posted to the forums that we are all losers, etc. I've tried to reason with her (great exercise - good family activity - not illegal - it's fun) but to no avail. She is convinced I am out climbing trees (not yet) and digging through people's trash and stuff that doesn't belong to me - she is terrified that one of her friends will see me out in a strange place and then will think it is weird and it will come back on her. Now she is demanding that I never take my son ( he's only a year and a half old) out geocaching. That means I'll never go - which is her ultimate goal. I even had to buy a GPS behind her back, because she is so unwilling to let me out for some fun once in a while. By the way - she works at night and I work during the day - i've already promised that this would never impinge on our personal time together during the weekends and that I would only go during the week, but she still will not have any of it. Seriously, anyone out there have any advice for me - something that might just change her mind?

2.3k · November 20, 2003

Buddy, I hate to break it to you, but you are whipped and brow-beaten in the worst way. It sounds like there's nothing supportive about that marriage except the brastrap binding your hands.

Marriage takes two people -- and both people have to reach compromises. Good luck.

November 20, 2003

Well, I'm hoping that the post that started this thread is a joke or at least an exageration. My wife is not a big fan of geocaching in that she is not really interested in going with me, and she likes to tease me about it. But she doesn't care if I want to make a fool of myself. As far a real advice goes, I would just keep doing what you can and make sure she doesn't feel neglected by you because of your "hobbie" (obsession). Marriage is, however, a two way street and she ought to be able to agree to some sort of system that doesn't keep you from caching. I see that you are in Southern Calif. What great caching weather. If would be a shame if you couldn't continue.

November 20, 2003

Call Ann Landers. Oh, right. She's dead. Try this, put some diamonds in an ammo box, stash it in the woods. Hand her the GPS and tell her the coordinates. She'll come around.

November 20, 2003

Is it me, or did anybody else hear a whip crack?

5.3k · November 20, 2003

Meow.

-CRACK-

9.4k · November 20, 2003

I was wondering what that sound was...

We have the opposite problem. My wife like to go geocaching. It's a great activity that the whole family can participate in. I go out caching less often than I want to just so I can include the wife and kids.

1.6k · November 20, 2003

There is certainly a deeper underlying problem here.

The best you can hope for is either a quick divorce or a only semi-miserable life.

CR

2.3k · November 20, 2003

T-Rex -

Ask yourself where you see yourself and your marriage in 5 years, in 10 years....

If it is not a pretty picture, look into getting help now.

Good luck!

November 20, 2003

My wife likes to Geocache, although she is not nearly as obsessed with it as I am.

As long Geocaching doesn't get in the way of things we HAVE to do, I pretty much Geocache anytime I please. This includes late nights and early mornings.

Her feeling is that I am out doing something healthy and fun, and she'd rather have me out in the woods searching for trinkets than be out at the bar, or out causing trouble. I guess I am lucky that she will join me on most of my cache hunts, (yes, we actually enjoy being out together ) but still "lets" me go on my own.

I'd say just try to keep stressing the postive aspects and hope for the best.

Good luck!

Edited November 20, 2003 by CT Trampers

November 20, 2003

I'm not sure anyone here can really help you - it sounds like there's other issues going on with your marriage, certainly it sounds as if your wife doesn't trust you very much. If so, that is a pretty fundamental problem. Are there any activities your wife would accept? If you took up golf, would she mind? Golf is a pretty "regular" kind of a game. I'm not suggesting you play golf - I'm just saying that it sounds like she wouldn't even approve of an activity like that. (And if she does approve of it, you can point out the expenses involved in golf - geocaching is pretty cheap!)

My wife had no interest in this game whatsoever. So what I did was I went along with her on one of her hobbies, and convinced her to then go along with me on a couple of geocaches. (It was only fair - I went with her.) One of them was a virtual that involved an art exhibition. She's an artist, so I knew she'd like that. I was able to point out that without geocaching, we'd never have found this spot. The other was a cache that involved a short hike through some local nature trails. I picked a lovely autumn day to do the cache. We walked around the trails, and finally found the cache. (Sanity, by 9Key). She enjoyed it, and will probably cache with me sometimes now. Certainly it doesn't seem stupid to her anymore. (She drives around a lot, and has been telling me about places she's noticed where I could hide caches.) Both caches were rather well executed, which helped.

She never had a problem with my going out caching, even when she thought it was a silly game. I usually cache alone and at night so she might have actually had fairly logical grounds for objecting for safety reasons. (Every now and then I wonder about this myself!)

Hope things work out for you - best of luck!

November 20, 2003

Thank you TimasaurusRex!

You just gave me reason #83 to stay single.

Salvelinus

3k · November 20, 2003

She even went so far as to log on here as me and posted to the forums that we are all losers, etc.

Yeah, I remember that.

4.8k · November 20, 2003

Your wife sounds over controlling and frankly a little insane to me. Time to see a counselor. Good luck to you.

Edited November 20, 2003 by carleenp

November 20, 2003

Here’s what you do…

Wait until she gets home tonight and grab her purse…

She will try to fight you on it but for the love of GOD! GET THAT PURSE

At this point she’ll get really crazy, ignore it and hold that purse.

Reach into said purse, I know it will be tough but you must do it…

And take your testicles back.

There is more at issue here than whether you can or cannot go Geocaching here. Something dark and sticky is bubbling to the surface in your wife. Grab your kid and get out before it blows and you get any on you.

Bow! All Bow to the Queen of the Harpies!

DirtRunner.

(Doh! I hate it when the Spell Checker Screws me over!)

Edited November 21, 2003 by DirtRunner

1.7k · November 20, 2003

Sounds like your wife has some bigger issues here than Geocaching. Strongly reccommend that you get some counseling, clergy or professional, which ever you feel most comfortable with. Every couple has things that they do that the other person may not want to particpate in. But to not allow you to take your child with you is unacceptable. The fact that she posted to the boards as you is very disturbing. You need to get some help now, before this gets worse.

5.3k · November 20, 2003

And take your tentacles back.

Tentacles??

3k · November 20, 2003

And take your tentacles back.

Tentacles??

Duh, he's an octopus, not a dinosaur.

November 20, 2003

We found Geocaching to be an "us" activity and we both view it as a great activity that gets us out of the house and keeps us from being total couch potatos! I definitely think it is something we'll keep doing..... always great fun!!

1.2k · November 20, 2003

My wife thinks it's Geeky and playfully taunts me but there is no forbidding and I can take my son along (gets him out of her hair). I sense a hard time for you my friend.

Edited November 20, 2003 by Halden

1.1k · November 20, 2003

I have to agree that it sounds like you two have larger issues. Not so long ago I was in a similar relationship. I could relate my story to you but there is no way anyone can give you good advice based on what you have written here. Divorce can be for better or for worse, but it always leaves scars, especially on the little ones. Consult a professional, with or without your spouse, and do your best to make an informed, sincere and heart felt choice. Good luck with whatever you decide.

November 20, 2003

Thank you, everyone, for your input. Yes, even those who find my sometimes pathetic life amusing. I have pretty much come to somewhat the same conclusion - that my wife is indeed insane and should be committed. (yes, that was a sarcastic remark, but only barely) I was simply hoping for some advice on things that might help turn my wife's opinions around. Luckily I still have a mind of my own (if not my tentacles) and will continue to geocache - with my son - and whatever comes of it, I will live with the consequences. I've drawn my line in the sand (and marked it as a waypoint) so the rest is up to her.

24.7k · November 20, 2003

Tell her you are going anyway and go. It forces the issue. Is geocaching a deal breaker? It shouldn't be but if it is it's not like you were not in for more of the same treatment when you find the next hobby that interests you.

Funny as it sounds the counseling is a good idea. Her for the control issues that come from somewhere and you to be able to cope with them. You married her for some good things (hopefully) and those reasons are all still there and can be brought to the surface with A LOT of work and good help.

2.3k · November 20, 2003

Great Advice from RK!

I vote we remove his warning for that one!!

November 20, 2003

All I can add is good luck.

1.3k · November 20, 2003

I suspect there are more issues to this than just geocaching and of course, we don't know the wife's side of the story. I love geocaching, my wife thinks it is stupid but she doesn't get in the way, with the unwritten assumption that my family comes before geocaching. Which I do, my family does mean much more than geocaching. Now checking your profile, if it is your main one shows only five finds, hardly something for a person to be upset about so I really suspect something is wrong besides the geocaching.

However I will say this, going behind her back to buy a GPS unit would be cause for her to get upset at you. I know my wife would be upset if I spent over 100 dollars behind her back without telling her the reason. Such things breach trust in a marriage. So things were wrong before the geocaching.

I honestly hope it works for you and your wife and your family.

November 20, 2003

Life Imitates Better Off Dead (1985)

Dirtrunner:

Reach into said purse, I know it will be tough but you must do it…
And take your tentacles back.

Better off Dead:

Monique: He thinks because I do not speak English I am his love goddess, his prostrate. No. His prostitute.

Lane: Holy s***! You big faker. You speak English!

Monique: Of course I speak English. I speak very good English. I will not, however, speak Mrs. Smith's International Language of Love, with her reptilian son.

Monique: He uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over me.

Lane: His what?

Monique: How you say…uh, octopus…testicles.

Lane: Tentacles. NT. Big difference.

Monique: Tentacles.

November 20, 2003

Perhaps geocaching needs to be explained to her in a different way. I've never had to go through someone elses trash or propert for the that matter. It sounds like she has never gone out with you looking for a cache. She might be feeling left out and doesn't see having her own free time to particpate.

Mostly I see geocaching as an excuse to get some exercise and learn something about the world we live in. Often times geocaching shows us a new place to go hiking/biking or beautiful spot for a picnic.

I've only been geocaching for a few months and my wife enjoys the hunt from time to time. Mostly she likes the exercise and seeing different places. Places we would never know exist without all of these caches bringing us there. My son, who is 8, loves to go geocaching and I know he has learned a lot in doing so.

I suggest, find a multi-way point virtual cache, ask your wife to go for a walk with you and run the course with her. This way you are going to a public place, not trading anything and trying to answer a riddle/questions. Take a picnic basket with you and enjoy a lunch part way through. If she doesn't see that it is not evil, well then......

38.2k · November 20, 2003

I don't know what kind of advice to give here. I'm lucky in that my wife enjoys geocaching and comes along with me sometimes. But even if she didn't, I couldn't imagine her trying to stop me from doing it, or ridiculing me.

It seems to me that geocaching is the least of your problems. Good luck!

Edited November 20, 2003 by briansnat

2.2k · November 20, 2003

i have just the opposite problem. my husband thinks my brothers and i are strange people. he has gone on one hunt with me, but other than that i go alone. at least, he doesn't object to my going, he just wants me to be safe while i am doing it alone. i have gotten used to the fact that he is a muggle in all ways and will always be one. don't let her stop you from doing what you love. he hasn't stopped me. good luck.

3.9k · November 20, 2003

I think everyone said all that needs to be said. The biggie being that there is definitely something much more than geocaching you need to worry about.

Q's. How long have you been married?

Has she changed or has she always been a bit controlling?

Are there other examples of her being a control freak? (you don't need to tell us, just yes or no)

Do you feel like you have to walk on eggs just to have a normal conversation?

Does SHE go off and do her own things with her friends or shopping or hobbies or whatever?

My wife likes geocaching. I'm obsessed, addicted even. However I have an addictive personality. I always take things to their limit no matter what it is. I started mountain biking a few years ago. After going just once I went out and bought a $1200 Kline. Kayaking, went once, will be buying a kayak for a grand next season, the list goes on and on. When I get into something I go full throttle. That's me, she knew that was me from day one and she still married me. Like I said she enjoys geocaching but thinks I'm insane for getting up at 6:AM and driving an hour for a FTF. But she just rolls her eye, goes back to sleep and says 'be careful, i love you'. My point is, it is NOT NORMAL for your wife to be so controlling. That is NOT what a marriage is about. You need to stand your ground. I does not seem like you go all that much so you have already compromised on your end. Stand your ground my friend. Your life is your own.

Oh and one more thing and this is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT... CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD SO SHE CAN'T COME AND READ THIS THREAD!!!

November 20, 2003

I don't know how long you have been married, but if your wife is that controlling and inflexible maybe you should split. The only stopping point is if you could afford child support.

Good luck!

November 20, 2003

As has been said, this is not about caching. There is something very basic that is wrong in this relationship. Doesn't seem like a partnership to me.

Just don't get hung up on the caching aspect - there is something much more important here. I don't know what it is but it is there. Look for it, examine it and decide if it can be repaired. If not, get out before it is too late. This is the real thing - you get one life - it is NOT the rehearsal. Check up on the meaning and implication of co-dependency too.

Now, I speak from experience, recent and long term. If you want to e-mail me I will tell you more about my experiences and where I got it wrong. I have it right now, but it took way too long. Don't repeat my mistakes.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck and success in what ever road you choose.

1.3k · November 21, 2003

CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD SO SHE CAN'T COME AND READ THIS THREAD!!!

Won't matter, you can read this group as a guest, you simply can't respond to messages.

Also......

He has to also make it so that the site cookies are disabled when leaving (don't use the remember me function) and that the browsers settings are set not to remember "passwords" or it won't matter. Most people have their browsers set to remember passwords.

Cheers,

Blake

Edited November 21, 2003 by theblake

November 21, 2003

Ha, I'd show her the posts that have been put here. Let her know the rest ofthe story; that she is a controlling wench. Is she one of those society snoots, worried her "friends" will exclude her for having less than a trophy husband ?

Takes a long time to teach a heavy handed mate to back off and give ya your own life. Fortunately, we're 8 years and counting, and she loves caching.

November 21, 2003

Others have said so much, but one thing that hasn't been commented on (or if it has, I missed it...) is this: the comment that her stated worry is that her friends think her husband is wierd and it will somehow come back to her.

Ohh..kay... Well, at least as stated by the original poster, I don't read a lot of love coming from that wife - where is the concern over safety, the concern over doing things that might be illegal? Not the reason stated.. rather it is being looked down upon by her friends.

If that is the case, challenge her simply with an agreement that you don't cache within five miles from home, so none of your friends catch you...

...in the meantime, you could always start grabbing matchbooks from the local gay leather bars and leave them lying around your coffee table when her friends come and visit. Then compromise by saying that you'll stop visiting gay leather bars (as Seinfeld says, "Not that there's anything wrong with that"), if you can continue to Geocache.

November 21, 2003

For one, I'm glad that MarinerBC and I share a common interest, but I know of a couple of people whose partners have absolutely no desire to go out caching, and I agree that it's not really about caching, not by a long shot.

Like a lot of the others have said, and what I've found, is that when someone gets unreasonably upset about something minor, it's never about the surface thing. It's almost always about something deeper, and that other small thing just puts them over the top. I sincerely hope that you can find a solution quickly, before your son gets too much older. What is the worst thing that could happen if you 'disobey', and take him anyway? I can't see anything wrong with allowing a child to explore the outdoors, and to appreciate his surroundings, and to respect nature. There is definitely something deeper there.

I wish you all the best. Please keep us posted.

Edited November 21, 2003 by cacherunner

3.9k · November 21, 2003

Won't matter, you can read this group as a guest, you simply can't respond to messages.

Oh yea. duh. On second thought go ahead and let her read it. I think in order to move forward the proverbial $&!t needs to hit the fan. In other words it has to get worse before it gets better. Like I said, stand your ground and tackle this thing head on. Sooner rather than later.

1.4k · November 21, 2003

My wife sort of just tolerated geocaching - until I started letting her hold the GPS.

SHE actually suggested we go caching the other day!

November 21, 2003

...but if your wife is that controlling and inflexible maybe you should split. The only stopping point is if you could afford child support.
Good luck!

I will only comment on that a controlling wife is no fun. Been there, done that. Don't worry about the child support, when I divorced, I took the kid, the house and am getting child support. There are support groups for men that have gone or are in the process of divorce. Get a good lawyer, make a list of when she is out doing stuff, including time left and return. As for caching with the sprout, you are spending quality time with him. What court or sensible person would object to that?

I feel for you. You can do it. 3:00AM flu is nothing, it gives you ammunition for graduation and dates. Don't forget to take embarrassing pictures of the little one as well. High School and College graduation ceremonies are great for embarrassing them when it matters most.

If you would like to email me regarding what happened to me and how I went about it, please do.

Edited November 21, 2003 by Cooter13

1.4k · November 21, 2003

Won't matter, you can read this group as a guest, you simply can't respond to messages.

Oh yea. duh. On second thought go ahead and let her read it. I think in order to move forward the proverbial $&!t needs to hit the fan. In other words it has to get worse before it gets better. Like I said, stand your ground and tackle this thing head on. Sooner rather than later.

Are we entirely positive she didn't WRITE it? She does have a history of that sort of thing...

24.7k · November 21, 2003

Make a request to delete the thread now that it has served its purpose. Showing her would only cause PROBLEMS!

Edited November 21, 2003 by Renegade Knight

3.9k · November 21, 2003

Make a request to delete the thread now that it has served its purpose. Showing her would only cause PROBLEMS!

I'd say he's already got problems. This thread will only bring them to the surface faster. I say email her this thread. You need to deal with this a fast as possible. It will not go away by itself.

As for the original question. Is geocaching grounds for divorce? No. Is a spouse that is completely unwilling to compromise, is bent on controlling your every move, and is so fixated on the opinion of others that it effects you to the point that you are here asking for advise from people you have never met? Although you have read the various opinions of many people myself included, you are not going to find the answer here. You WILL find the answer within yourself. My last opinion is, I think you already know what the answer is.

Best of luck to you.

Edited November 21, 2003 by J&MBella

November 21, 2003

Life Imitates Better Off Dead (1985)...

I met the "I want my two dollars!" kid about ten years or so ago, when we were both in our early twenties. His name's Damien. Interesting fellow, but not the sort I'd want to be friends with.

</useless trivia>

My advice: Get one of her friends interested (in geocaching). Your judgement and opinion doesn't seem to mean much to her, but I'll bet her friends' judgements and opinions do.

Good luck.

9.4k · November 21, 2003

My wife sort of just tolerated geocaching - until I started letting her hold the GPS.

SHE actually suggested we go caching the other day!

My wife suggests that, too. However, she has no desire to learn how to operate the GPS lest she start caching by herself. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones

November 21, 2003

One of the biggest problems kids face today is (1) They don't get enough outside time. and (2) They either don't have a father, or they have a father that is too buisy to do anything with them.

For you to be able to have time to spend with your son, and for you to have a hobby that involves getting out of the house and seeing the world, and experiencing something that does not have to be plugged in says alot about you.

For anyone to try and keep your kid or you for that matter locked up in the house is just wrong. Kids need to be outside. Grownups need to be outside.

My girlfriend thought that geocaching was kinda weird, Until we looked for our first one without a GPS and actually found the cache. On the way back she offered to buy me a GPS so "WE" could find more of them. We've only found 4 of them so far, but every time we go out, we have more fun than the last time.

If there is a fear of the kid getting hurt while on the trail, you might want to take along some sort of non-lethal weapon with you to ease your wifes fears, like a heavy walking stick, or maybe some pepper spray. That way at least you're a little more prepared to take on the occasional stray dog you might meet on the trail.

I think (like many others here seem to think), that there has got to be more to this than just caching, something else has got to be going on with her (The Wife). Go spend $1500 on some golf clubs so you can have a normal hobbie and see what she has to say about that..!! Go drop a couple grand on some rare stamps, after that she'll be more than happy to let you rummage through other peoples "Trash".

Take care my friend, and good luck..

Ohgr

November 21, 2003

Sounds like you've got more problems than Geocaching. Perhaps it would be a good time to enlist the help of a marriage counselor.

November 21, 2003

I concur with whats been said thus far already, it sounds like there are some major issues below the surface here, and they're gonna pull a St. Hellens on you. Counsling is definitly a good route to go. Most likely a nessecary one. as for taking your kid out caching with you, all I have to say is don't listen to your wife. Take the munchkin and if she argues (hopefully after the fact), explain that you are spending some quality time with 'em. I can think of a whole lot of things that you could be doing that would have a much more deletarious effect on you kid.

As for suggestions on how to bring you wife around on the caching issue, here's one that worked for me to show that it's not a crazy or entirely stupid activity: Find some nice city park that you didn't know about before you started caching, and take the whole family out for a picnic, or something of the sort. After I started caching I found some fantabuous areas that I'd never known about, told my friends about them, and lo and behold, they checked out the areas and decided that caching wasn't so off the wall as they had thought.

Whichever way this thing goes for you, good luck and keep on truckin'.

3.8k · November 21, 2003

I've drawn my line in the sand (and marked it as a waypoint) so the rest is up to her.

I'm glad you still have a sense of humor about this. It's the only way to keep YOU from going insane.

Good luck.

November 21, 2003

Thanks everyone - I think most of you have hit this one on the head - it's a control issue & yeah, some of it's my fault as an "enabler" but ultimately I think it's more about her issues than about my geocaching. I already pretty much knew all this, but sometimes it's nice to get some feedback, just to help organize the whirlwind of thoughts spinning me in every direction. Truth be told, I should have been having these sorts of problems about 3 years ago (been married three years in the spring) but I've always been the sort of person to let things go - very nonconfrontational. No need for further advice - I'm pretty sure this will either work itself out - or it won't and either way, the problem will be solved and I'll be headed for the Happy Hunting Grounds (yes, I know that can be taken two completely different ways - that's why i said it!)

Geocaching - Grounds For Divorce?

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