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ok, here goes.


SylvrStorm says "getting out doot umbrella"


I say, there is no such thing as a doot umbrella.


hahahahahahahaha lmfao




Caching without a clue....

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A man stopped by a bar after work, where he met a beautiful woman. One thing led to another and they wound up going to a motel for a tryst. On the way home, he found a big muddy puddle, got out of the car, and stomped in it.


He got home late and his wife met him at the door. "Where have you been?"

"Well, I stopped at the bar, met a woman, and we went to a motel together."

"You liar! Your shoes are muddy -- you went geocaching after work again!"

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Okay here goes......


A guy walks into a bar...


and says, "Ow! That hurt!"



or do you prefer.........


Two peanuts were walking down the street,.......



one was assaulted. (a salted.)



Did I hear a snicker?




Prophetically Challenged (or is that Pathetically?)

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Why is 6 afraid of 7?












Because 7 8 9.


I heard on the news that some historians are saying that Einstein didn't die of natural causes. He was rubbed out by the mafia.














It was because he knew too much.


OK, I'll stop.


"Au pays des aveugles, les borgnes sont rois"

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Originally posted by cmpalmer:

A man stopped by a bar after work, where he met a beautiful woman. One thing led to another and they wound up going to a motel for a tryst. On the way home, he found a big muddy puddle, got out of the car, and stomped in it.


He got home late and his wife met him at the door. "Where have you been?"

"Well, I stopped at the bar, met a woman, and we went to a motel together."

"You liar! Your shoes are muddy -- you went geocaching after work again!"


This may just be my next sigline. icon_biggrin.gif


"Lost in the woods? Not if you remembered to waypoint the car!!". [icon_smile.gif]


I am a proud member of the Geocaching Association of Great Britain.

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At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch.


After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else. This became known as the "Moron Tab and Apple Choir".


Joel (joefrog)


"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for ye are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!"

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One of my favorites (get comfy):


The Butcher Dance


A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.


The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."


The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"


"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"


"No, I've never heard of it."


"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"


"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"


"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."


"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"


"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."


"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."


"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.


You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.


Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."


So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.


He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.


True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.


The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.


When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.


Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.


Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.


"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."


"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"


"Not 'til next year."


"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"


"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."


The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.


The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.


Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.


They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.


Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.


Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.


"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"


The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."


Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.


Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.


A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"


"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."


The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.


The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.


The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,


He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"


Joel (joefrog)


"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for ye are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!"

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Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > This is a detective story so pay close

> > > > > > attention!!!

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing

> > > > > > their first Orioles

> > > > > > baseball

> > > > > > > > game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's

> > > > > > into the ball park. The

> > > > > > game

> > > > > > > is

> > > > > > > > real exciting and they are enjoying themselves

> > > > > > immensely mixing the Jack

> > > > > > > > Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize

> > > > > > that the bottle is almost

> > > > > > > gone

> > > > > > > > and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based

> > > > > > on the given information,

> > > > > > > > what inning is it and how many players are on

> > > > > > base?

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Think!

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Think some more!!

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > You're gonna love it....

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the

> > > > > > bags are loaded........

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How to get away Geocaching!


Four married guys go Geocaching. After an hour, the following

conversation took place:


First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to

come out caching this weekend. I had to promise my wife

that I will paint every room in the house next weekend'.


Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will

build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that

I will remodel the kitchen for her.'


They continue to hunt around when they realized that the fourth guy

has not said a word. So they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about

what you had to do to be able to come geocaching this weekend.

What's the deal?'


Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut

it off, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Geocaching or Sex'

and she said,


'Wear a sweater.'


"You are only young once but you can stay immature forever"

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Two blondes were out caching in the woods for their first time when they came across a set of tracks leading off into the distance.

They stood there and began to argue:


"Those are deer tracks"

"No, those are bear tracks"

"No, they are deer tracks, I know it"


They BOTH got run over by the train.

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?....

Juan on Juan.


What is a Yankee?.....

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?.....

The position of the dirt bag.


Why is divorce so expensive?.....

Because it's worth it.


What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?.......

One US leader.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?.....



Why is air a lot like sex?......

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.




What do you call a smart blonde?.....

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?.......

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?......

45 minutes.


How many women does it take to change a light bulb?......

None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?......

Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?.......

They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?....

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?......

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?......

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no

intention of driving.


A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?.....

The blonde, because she's 18.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?.....

Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?.....

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?.....

"Are you sure it's mine?"


What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?.....

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?.....

Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?.....

Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?......

Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?.....

He walks around saying "Yo."


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?........

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses





What's the Cuban National Anthem?.......

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?.....

A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?....

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?.....

A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?....

They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?.....

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the

front of the Cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?...

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A

southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe

this ****..."


Why is there no Disneyland in China?....

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.



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In the 1800s, the Tates Watch Co. wanted to diversify. Since it

already made watchcases, it decided to manufacture compasses for

pioneers traveling to California. But the compasses were so bad that

people often ended up in Canada or Mexico. This is the origin of the

expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"




Cum catapultae proscriptae erat,

tum soli proscript catapultas habeunt.



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A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk

"Excuse me. Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk replies "Sorry no grapes. Come back tomorrow."

The next day. The duck walks into the store and asks the clerk again "Do you have any grapes?"

Thr clerk remembering the duck from the day before replies "As I told you yesterday. We have no grapes. Come back in a couple of days."

A couple of days pass and the duck walks into the store and again asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?"

Now by this time the clerk is geting quite upset with the duck, and replies strongly "Like I told you the first time you came in NO GRAPES, and still you again ask for grapes! For the last time we have NO GRAPES, and if you come in here, and ask for grapes again. I'm going to nail your F***ING beak to the counter!!!"

So the duck walks out of the store ****ed off. But the next day he has calmed down and goes back into the store and politly asks the clerk "Do you have any nails?"


Clerk "No we don't."


Duck "Then. Do you have any Grapes?!!"


Life is a gift, unwrap it and use it to the fullest!

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A newly married man is tiring of his nympomaniac wife's exhaustive advances. He decides to take matters into his own hands, and find her a way to satisfy herself. After perusing many catalogs, he settles on a product called "The magical voodoo d**k". The instruction manual indicated that the device will do exactly as it is told. His wife was very pleased with the product untill one day, the device wouldn't stop when she told it to. She said "Voodoo d**k, stop!" but it kept on.

In a panic, she throws the thing out of the bedroom window and runs ou tto her car without even taking the time to dress. She races off down the street with the voodoo d**k in hot pusuit. She turns onto the interstate, and it is still keeping up with her scooting along like a caterpillar, only much, much faster.

Finally, as she tops eighty miles per hour, it receeds into the distance in her rearview mirror. Right about this time, a state trooper pulls her over. He gets out, puts on his aviator sunglasses, and swaggers up to her vehicle. "Maam, I believe you owe me an explanation. You're goin' 80mph. buck naked!"

"Officer, you don't understand! I've got a malfunctioning magical voodoo d**k chasing me, and it allmost here. You have to let me go!"

The cop laughs, "Ha! Voodoo d**k my A$$!"



"The fertilizer has hit the ventilator"

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A police officer pulls over a man for speeding. Walking up to the car, he notices the man has a quanitity of sharp knives in the backseat.


Cop: What's with all the knives, sir?

Man: I'm a juggler. I can keep all 9 of those knives in the air at once.


The policeman thinks about this for a moment and says, "I'm not so sure I believe that. I'm going to have to ask you to step outside the car and prove it."


The man does just that, juggling all 9 knives perfectly. As he does, another car drives by with two men inside. Looking at the juggler, one man turns to the other and says, "Man, am I glad I gave up drinking. Look at the tests they're giving nowadays!"




Even the smallest person can change the course of the future. --Galadriel, "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship Of the Ring"

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No, no, "lame" jokes. Like this.


What do you call a man with no arms and legs...


...in the middle of a bull ring?



...in a tiger's cage?



...on a grill?





...in a hot tub?



...next to a hole?



...in a hole?



...on the bathroom floor with his mouth open?



...and a seagull on his head?



...under a car?



...in the pool?



...by a door?



...in a pile of leaves?


(and two months later?)



...in the fireplace?



...in the mailbox?



...on the wall?






...on a stage?



...in a box with his arms and legs?



What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs on the wall?

Kurt and Rod.


What do you call a man with no legs below the knees?



What do you call a woman with no arms and legs...


...in a river?



...on a beach?



...on a grill?



...on a Christmas tree?



...in a flower garden?



...in court?


What do you call a woman with one leg?



What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?




Well the mountain was so beautiful that this guy built a mall and a pizza shack

Yeah he built an ugly city because he wanted the mountain to love him back -- Dar Williams

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My favorite geek joke:


Werner Heisenburg and Rene Descartes are sitting at the bar. The bartender says, "Do you want another round?"


Descartes says, "I think not." And *poof* he disappears.


The bartender looks at Heisenburg and says, "Did you see that?"


Heisenburg says, "I can't be certain."

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The owner of a horse farm receives a call from a friend, who informs him of a midget with a speech impediment who's interested in buying a horse. The owner has him send the midget over.


The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," replies the midget. So the owner shows him one.


"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?" So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.


"Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?" Promptly, the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.


"Ok, what about the eerth?" At this point, the owner is becoming aggravated, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.


"OK, finally, can I see her twit?" With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out.


Shaking his head, the midget laments, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?"


My hockey Mom beat up your soccer Mom.


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At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.


Then I heard these terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Civil Service

Service Stations

Customer Service

City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.


Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those service agencies are doing to us.




There are 10 kinds of people in this world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

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Dogs' letters to God Dear God:

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?


Dear God:

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is going to be the same old story?


Dear God:

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?


Dear God:

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?


Dear God:

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?


Dear God:

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.


Dear God:

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?


Dear God:

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?


Dear God:

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:


1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.


2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.


3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.


4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.


5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.


6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.


7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.


8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.


9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.


10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'


11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.


12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.


13. I will not throw up in the car.


14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.


15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.


16. The cat is not a squeaky or shag toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.


And, finally, my last question:


Dear God:

When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?


My hockey Mom beat up your soccer Mom.


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