Lame Jokes

June 19, 2003

quote:
Originally posted by Micqns':
Q: Why couldn't the bird fly out of the window?

A: It didn't have any wings. (my little sis)

Q: Where do flowers make love?

A: In a flower bed.

Don't Drink And Park: Accidents Cause People.

Thank you for bringing this thread back on topic. Some of the jokes that have been posted are actually quite good.

I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me.

June 19, 2003

quote:

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.

Hey, I know people like that!

King Pellinore

June 19, 2003

The Photographer......

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate

father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,

Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang

the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of

babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and

perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you

can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven

angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ....!!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.

I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed

with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his

briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done

right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a

good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother

was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness

approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began

nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me

to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ...Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

"Nice find! I must go tell Harry, Ron and Hermione."

June 19, 2003

A jumpercable walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up, looks him up and down and say's "alright, I'll serve ya.......But you'd better not start nothing!"

June 19, 2003

A ventriloquist walks into a town out west and sees an old codger sitting on his porch with an old dog at his feet and a horse tied up to the porch rail. The ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the man. “Hey old timer, mind if I talk to your dog?” “Whatcha talking bout? That old mutt can’t talk”. The ventriloquist walks over to the dog and say’s “Hey dog, how’s that old man treating you?” The dog replies “ He’s alright! He feeds me everyday and lets me chase rabbits all day long. Life is good!” Naturally, the old man is stunned. “Hey old man, mind if I chat with your horse?” “Now sonny, everyone knows that horses can’t talk.” The ventriloquist walks over to the horse and says “Hey horse, how’s the old man treating you?” “ He’s OK! He takes me for a ride everyday, feeds me the finest oaks and brushes me once a week! Life is good!” The old man is dumbfounded!! “Hey old man, mind if I talk to your sheep out back?” The old man stammers “TTTTTThem…. sheep ain’t nothing but liars!”

June 19, 2003

quote:
Originally posted by Spzzmoose:
Post your lamest jokes here. I'll start it.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and say's "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

Badda BING!!

Spzzmoose & "the monsters"

OK...here's my "lame" joke:

Show me a man who has had his legs cut off,

And I'll show you a man 'de-feeted.'

carpe cerevisi

June 19, 2003

A geocacher going by the handle Duplicity decides to play a trick on his best friend, a geocacher known as Dootman. Duplicity sets up a fake cache page, knowing Dootman will go crazy trying to find a cache that doesn't exist. Sure enough, Dootman spends upwards of 17 hours over a week and a half scouring a suburban park, trying to make sense of the meaningless fake clues, and generally ripping his hair out trying to find a cache that doesn't exist. Finally he can't take it any more and posts a fake Found It log. Duplicity knows it's a lie, gets angry at Dootman for not admitting he couldn't find it, and deletes the post, along with several log entries Dootman made on Duplicity's other caches. Dootman is so ticked off that he goes out and plunders all of Duplicity's caches. In a rage, Duplicity vows that he'll never again log on to geocaching.com with his Dootman sock puppet account.

SylvrStorm

*** Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and they laugh at you. ***

June 19, 2003

quote:

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?

Irene.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro sink-o.

What goes Vrooom screech vrooom screech vrooom....

A blonde at a flashing red light.

Two antennas got married. The ceremony was awful but the reception was great.

What sound does an Italian jalopy make?

wop wop wop wop wop wop

3.1k · June 19, 2003

It's a quiet day at the library when a chicken walks up to the desk.

"Book!" says the chicken. The librarian is stunned but hands the chicken the nearest book. The chicken runs out of the library with it.

Next day, the chicken comes in again.

"Book!"

The librarian obliges again, the chicken leaves again.

For two weeks, the same thing every day.

"Book!", chicken leaves with a book.

By now the books are overdue, and the librarian is finally beginning to get curious. So after the chicken comes in and says "Book!", she gives it a book, then closes the library and follows it out. She follows it across the street, onto the subway, into a cab, out into the country, onto a farm, and back into a swamp. There, the librarian sees the chicken approaching a frog, sitting atop a pile of books.

The chicken holds out the book.

"Book!"

The frog says,

"Readit."

3.1k · June 19, 2003

A guy buys a new Jeep, brings it home and parks it in his driveway. Then he washes it all nice and clean, buffs it with a diaper, etc. He goes inside and calls all of his friends to come over and see it. Then he proudly strides outside...and sees his dog peeing on the tires! Furious, he smacks the dog on the nose, scolds it, calls his friends back to tell them to wait a while, then hoses the tires off. Of course, the water splashes and he has to wipe the whole car down again. Finally, he goes back inside.

A half hour later, he comes back, and there's the dog, peeing on the tires again! The man is livid. This time he grabs a stick and whacks the dog on the rear, really yells at it. The neighbors five houses down are looking out the window at what the racket is. Once again he rewashes the whole car, and goes back in to call his friends again.

Half hour later, same thing. The guy absolutely loses it. He grabs the dog by the collar, swings him around and around like a discus, and whoosh!, hurls him way up into the air.

Well the mountain was so beautiful that this guy built a mall and a pizza shack

Yeah he built an ugly city because he wanted the mountain to love him back -- Dar Williams

June 19, 2003

???? Huh? Even lame jokes have a punchline, right?

Prophetically Challenged (or is that Pathetically?)

June 19, 2003

This one's for Oregone and Lauren.

How to shower ...Woman vs. Man

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper

accordingto lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced

with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes

until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body

wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave under arms and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave

them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of

your wiener and scratch your a**.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they

sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the

soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain

was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass

wife,pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

20. Optional: Play soapyboy/rinseyboy!

June 19, 2003

A Baptist Minister, a Priest, and a Rabbi go into a bar. The Bartender looked and said " what is this a joke?"

June 19, 2003

A man walks into an empty bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves him and sits at the end of the bar and reads his paper.

After a while the man hears a voice out of nowhere that says, "Hey, Man! Nice pants!"

The man looks around, sees nothing and shrugs.

A few minutes later he hears the voice say, "Wow! Nice tie!"

The guy looks around, sees no one, and yells at the bartender, "Did you hear that?"

Bartender say, "No, I didn't hear anything."

A few minutes later the guy hears, "DUDE! Those are some killer shoes!"

The guy is iritated now and yells down to the bartender, "Hey! I know that was you! You're the only other person in the bar!"

The bartender walks down to the guy to try and understand the situation. He looks around for a bit and finally discovers the problem and says.....

"OH! It's the bowl of nuts, they're complimentary!"

OG

Prophetically Challenged (or is that Pathetically?)

1.3k · June 19, 2003

A farmer is having difficulty breeding chickens. None of the hens are laying eggs. Finally, he purchases a very expensive rooster that is supposed to be the most randy, fertile rooster in the county. Sure enough, the day he brings the rooster home, it makes it with every one of the farmers hundred hens. The farmer lookes at the rooster in admiration and says, "You keep that up, you're gonna kill yourself!"

The next day, the farmer is out slopping his hogs, and sees the rooster making it with them!

He shakes his head in amazement and says, "If you keep that up, you're going to kill yourself!"

The next day, the rooster is in the stockyard working away on the cows. The farmer, incredulous, says, "Rooster, you keep that up, you're gonna kill yourself!"

Sure enough, the next day the farmer sees the rooster spread out on it's back in the middle of the barnyard, tongue lolling out, eyes closed.

He shakes his head in despair and says. "I told you you were going to kill yourself."

At that moment, the rooster opens one eye, points skyward, and says, "Shhh! Buzzards."

"The fertilizer has hit the ventilator"

3.1k · June 20, 2003

A woman gets offered this great job right out of college. The problem is, it involves a lot of travel, and she's terrified of flying. Never been on a plane in her life. But she can't pass up this plum position, so she sucks it up, and in a few weeks she's about to make her first flight. The whole time she's in the check-in line she's sweating, waiting for the plane to board she's a wreck. But she's absoultely terrified of losing her return flight ticket. She has it in her purse, which she clutches until her knuckles are white. She gets on the plane, still clutching her purse. It's a fairly empty flight, so she feels a little better that she's not sitting next to anyone. She's nervous at take-off, but she begins to relax finally. A little turbulence makes her shaky, but the stewardess calms her down. AFter the in-flight snack, she's quite relaxed and actually dozes off for a little while. She wakes up quite refreshed. But then she notices it...her purse is gone! She looks in the adjoining seats. Nothing. She looks under her seat. Nothing. In the overhead bin. Nothing. Now she's really panicking. She starts to hyperventilate. Then she looks out the window, and turns white. There on the wing of the plane she sees

.

the dog.

June 20, 2003

What do Mozart, Beethoven, and Brahms all have in common?

.

They're decomposing!

UPSCWRU (University of Puget Sound, Case Western Reserve University)

June 20, 2003

There is a frog who jumps from the pond and into town one day. After looking around a bit he decides he likes the area and wants to move from the pond and build a home in the city. As he hops past a bank he sees a poster advertising low interest construction loans, so he goes inside to apply to get himself some cash.

"Can I get a loan? I want to build a house." he says to the teller.

The teller responds, "What!? You? You're just a frog. You can't get money here."

The frog, a bit put off by this, looks at her desk name plate, (it says Patricia Whack), "Look! Ms. Patricia Whack, just because I am a frog doesn't mean I can't have money."

"Ok, Fine. I have to speak to to the manager first. What is your name, anyway?"

"Jagger, Frog Jagger, is my name." says the frog.

"Yeah, right" she mutters under her breath as she starts off to speak to the manager.

She arrives at the managers office and explains to the manager that there is a Mr. Frog Jagger who wants to borrow money from their bank. The manager peaks out of the window of his office into the lobby and sees the frog waiting patiently.

"Hmmm. Ok but make sure you get some form of collateral, so that we can be sure he will pay us back."

"Ok, sir." and Ms. Whack goes back to the frog and explains that they need some collateral in order to loan him the money.

"But I don't have anything but this golden lapel pin of a big red mouth with a tongue hanging out."

The teller says, "You expect me to allow you to borrow money with the only collateral being a souvenier pin you got at a rock concert?!"

"Yes." says the frog.

"Fine." and she takes the pin back to her manager.

He takes one look at it and says...

.

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!

LOL

I like that one.

1.4k · June 20, 2003

quote:
Originally posted by Search1128:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!

GROOOOOAAAANNNNNNNN

My hockey Mom beat up your soccer Mom.

http://coloradogeocaching.com/

June 20, 2003

Bob had been a bus driver for 37 years when the bus company downsized and he learned he was to be laid off. He went to his boss's office, and after much begging and pleading he managed to save his career. But there would be no more driving the big comfortable tour buses, or even the long-distance commuter buses. No, Bob would have to drive bus 47.

Not having driven the local routes for years, Bob didn't know what bus 47 was, but he jumped at the chance to keep his job. As he walked down the long line of buses in the depot parking lot, a feeling of dread came over him as he saw the big purple school bus coming into view at the end of the line. Bus 47. It had huge pictures of Big Bird, Elmo, Ernie, and Bert painted on the sides. The kiddie run.

But a job was a job. How bad could it be? He climbed in, checked his route, and pulled out of the depot.

He pulled up to the first stop, opened the door, and looked down to see a very plump little girl standing there looking up at him with a candy bar hanging out of her mouth. "Good morning," he said, "I'm Bob, your new bus driver. What's your name?"

"Patty," she answered.

"Well climb on Patty, and have a seat."

She did, and he drove on to the next stop. He opened the door, looked down, and did a double take as he saw another rather rotund little girl looking up at him. She looked exactly the same as Patty, except that she was stuffing two or three Twinkies into her mouth instead of a candy bar. It was a bit disconcerting, but he said, "Good morning. I'm Bob, your new bus driver. What's your name?"

"Patty."

He glanced back to make sure he wasn't imagining things, but no, the first little girl was still back there. "Okay, come on up Patty, and find a seat."

She sat next to the first Patty, and Bob drove to the next stop. He was very relieved when he opened the door and looked down to see a skinny little boy standing there. "Good morning," he said. "I'm Bob, your new bus driver. What's your name?"

In a very slow drawl, the little boy said (with some difficulty), "Myyy n-n-naaame is ... Sco-o-ott. I'm a spe-e-ecial studennnt."

At least his name wasn't Patty. "Hello Scott, come on up and find a seat." It took rather longer than the two girls, but Scott was finally seated and Bob drove to the next stop.

This time when he opened the door and looked down he was utterly disgusted. The word 'punk' was too good for the kid standing there. His long greasy hair was matted and tangled, a cigarette dangled from his mouth, tattoos covered most of his face, and his torn black jeans were on backwards. Before Bob could even open his mouth, this cretin jumped on board, announced, "Name's Lester Sleeze," and sat down in the very front seat. He then pulled off his muddy cowboy boots to reveal bare feet with large oozing sores, which he proceeded to pick at with his dirty fingernails.

Bob was so shocked and flustered that he pulled suddenly away from the curb without checking his mirrors.

CRASH!!! He'd plowed into a large mack truck.

By the time the police arrived, Bob was a mess of frazzled nerves sitting on the sidewalk.

"Are you the bus driver?" asked the officer.

Bob was a wreck and couldn't speak, but managed to nod his head yes.

"Calm down sir, and tell me what happened."

Bob gesticulated wildly at the semi and managed to sputter, "Big Mack." Then he waved in the direction of the bus and blurted out, "Two obese Patties, special Scott, Lester Sleeze pickin' his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

*** Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and they laugh at you. ***

1.3k · June 20, 2003

The way I heard it, the guy's name was special Ross. And there were some kids always asking to eat your lunch, "let us please". lol

"The fertilizer has hit the ventilator"

June 20, 2003

A farmer decides he wants to keep track of the performance of his roosters. He gets this bright idea to put bells around their necks, each one a different tone. Now all he has to do is sit on the porch and listen for the bells and right down the data. He notices that one particular rooster hasn't been heard from for awhile. He goes outside and sees the rooster, with the bell in his beak, sneak up on a hen and jumps on and does his duty. He watches for awhile and the rooster does this over and over again. He takes the rooster to the state fair to demonstrate it's amazing abilities. The judges were so impressed that they awarded it the "No Bell Piece Prize" as well as the "Pullet Surprise".

Wisdom comes with age... but sometimes age comes alone.

5.9k · June 20, 2003

What do you call an adolescent rabbit?

A pubic hare.

Lame enough for ya?

http://fp1.centurytel.net/Criminal_Page/

2.9k · June 20, 2003

Lame Joke:

Why did the limping Geocacher need a cane??

.

Because the geocacher was LAME

--------------------------------------------------

My Old posts as Geoffrey

My Current Post as GOT GPS?

My profile

My Home Page about what is GPS

June 20, 2003

Donald duck and Daisy duck decided to get a hotel room for sex, once in the room she said if you don't have a condom you can't have sex. He says I'll go see if they have any at the front desk... The clerk says yes, and hands them to him, and asks would like me to put them on your bill?

Donald replies " what kind of a pervert do you think I am!!!!!!!!!1"

RUBI-03

June 20, 2003

an IRS agent is sent to audit a tabernacle. When he meets the head rabbi, he decides to have a little fun with him.

After introducing himself, he tells the rabbi he has always heard that jewish people are "thrifty".

The rabbi pauses, and says "yes, we tend to be cautios with our resources."

The auditor hmms, and looks through his notes. He asks, "well, I'm curious, what do you do with candle drippings then ?"

The rabbi replys, "we save them up and eventually send a lump to the candle maker, and he sends us some complimentary candles."

The auditor smirks and says, "very frugal. I wonder though, what do you do with bread crumbs from dinner ?"

The rabbi peers at him, and says, "we save up a box full, send them to the baker, and he sends a pack of matso balls."

At this the auditor guffaws, "you guys are so cheap I'm surprised you haven't found a use for all the foreskins from circumcisions !"

The rabbi glares over his glasses, clears his throat, and says, "Actually we have. I sent a truckload of them to the IRS 2 days ago, and here you are."

Two roads diverged in the woods and I,

I took the one less traveled,

and that is how I found the cache.

June 21, 2003

How do you get a lead guitarist to slow down??

Put sheet music in front of him!!

June 21, 2003

How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb???

4...1 to change it and 3 to write about the old one!!!

( Thats one of my favorites)

June 21, 2003

A farmer decided that his old rooster needed some help servicing the hens in his chicken coop. So he bought a fine young rooster to help the old guy out. The old rooster realizing that this meant fewer hens for him challenged the youngster to a race, but he needed a short headstart, due to his age. The youngster agreed and the old rooster took off around the coop and headed for the barn with the young stud gaining on him. The farmer seeing this, grabbed his shotgun and killed the young rooster. Then he called the hatchery complaining "That's the third gay rooster you sold me this week!"

Maps?!? We don't need no stinking maps! We got coordinates!

June 21, 2003

GeoGryffindor - yours was the best!

Ok - heres mine...

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

--------------------------------------------------

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have "under"; in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

5.9k · June 23, 2003

Must be a Pond in Florida

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. As he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was abunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. "I only came to feed the alligator. "

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill

http://fp1.centurytel.net/Criminal_Page/

38.2k · June 24, 2003

Three dogs are sitting in the vets office. A yellow one, a black one and a brown one. The yellow dog says to the black dog “why are you here?” The black dog says

“I’m a pisser, I pee everywhere, on the rug, the curtains. “But the final straw is when I pissed on my owners bed”. “So what are they going to do to you?” asked the yellow dog. “Lethal injection” said the black dog sadly. “How about you?”, he asked. “Well I’m a chewer said the yellow dog. “I chew everything, shoes, furniture, but the final straw was when I chewed up my owners brand new leather couch”. “So I’m here for lethal injection too”. The black dog and yellow dog then turned to the brown dog and say “why are you here?” “Well I’m a humper” I hump everything, the cat, chairs, visitors.” “But the other day, my owner was getting out of the shower and bent over to dry her toes. “ I couldn’t resist and jumped on her and started humping away”. “So you’re here for lethal injection too?” the other dogs asked. “No, I’m getting my nails clipped”.

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day" - Dave Barry

1.4k · June 24, 2003

What is green and floats?

/

/Moby Pickle

1.4k · June 24, 2003

What is green and flys?

/

/Super Pickle

1.4k · June 24, 2003

What is purple and rides a horse?

/

//

The Lone Prune.

What do you call a Mexican baptism?

bean dip

38.2k · June 24, 2003

What's green and sings?

Elvis Parsley

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day" - Dave Barry

June 24, 2003

What is the national color of Mexico???

Chrome!

1.6k · June 26, 2003

Roses are red

Airplanes are steel

What's a kiss

Without a good feel

38.2k · June 26, 2003

quote:
Roses are red
Airplanes are steel

What's a kiss

Without a good feel

Oh, if its poetry you want, here is a favorite of mine:

The sun was shining brightly and I could hardly wait

to go over to my window and ponder my estate.

The breeze was blowing gently and it made the flowers sway

The air and trees were lovely on this enchanted day

There was the cutest birdie there and he had the cutest bill

I beckoned and he flew to me and he sat upon my sill

His feathers were so lovely as he ate my crust of bread.

Then I quickly slammed the window shut and smashed his stinkin' head

Editors note: This is the PG-13 version. The original had a word with F instead of "stinkin".

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day" - Dave Barry

1.6k · June 26, 2003

I was thinking about starting a lame poetry thread, but the idea seemed pretty lame...

So maybe we can just ask Jeremy to retitle this one like he did with Soylent Green's thread

June 26, 2003

quote:
Originally posted by BrianSnat:

quote:
Roses are red
Airplanes are steel

What's a kiss

Without a good feel

Oh, if its poetry you want, here is a favorite of mine:

_

The sun was shining brightly and I could hardly wait

to go over to my window and ponder my estate.

The breeze was blowing gently and it made the flowers sway

The air and trees were lovely on this enchanted day

There was the cutest birdie there and he had the cutest bill

I beckoned and he flew to me and he sat upon my sill

His feathers were so lovely as he ate my crust of bread.

Then I quickly slammed the window shut and smashed his stinkin' head_

Editors note: This is the PG-13 version. The original had a word with F instead of "stinkin".

_"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day" - Dave Barry_

LOL Sounds like an old cadence from when I was in CAP forgot one line though...

The moral of the story is.....if you want some head....you need some bread.

There are 10 types of people in the world..those that understand binary and those that don't

1.4k · June 26, 2003

Mary had a little sheep

she took to bed to sleep.

Then she found it was a ram,

and Mary had a little lamb.

Old lady Hubbard

went to the cupboard

to get her poor doggy a bone.

She bent over,

rover drove her,

and gave her a bone of his own.

My hockey Mom beat up your soccer Mom.

http://coloradogeocaching.com/

6.5k · June 26, 2003

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse,

unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves.

Her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away

from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....

Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs

the horse.

These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes;

Nothing remains quite the same.

Through all of the islands and all of the highlands,

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

5.9k · June 26, 2003

quote:
Originally posted by canadazuuk:
Roses are red

Airplanes are steel

What's a kiss

Without a good feel

Actually, airplanes are aluminum for the most part, although carbon fiber is starting to be used more and more.

http://fp1.centurytel.net/Criminal_Page/

1.4k · June 26, 2003

quote:
Canadazuuk wrote:
What's a kiss

Without a good feel

You can kiss without copping a feel?

Not so sure I'm happy about reading this.

*****

June 26, 2003

Check this out

.

June 26, 2003

Q)What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A)One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other claws at the end of it's paws!

=====

It is the tale, not he who tells it."

June 26, 2003

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

They say this universe is bound to blow,

I say we crank up the Calypso Control!

~Jimmy Buffett

~Someday I Will~

June 26, 2003

quote:
Originally posted by The Falcon:
Q)What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A)One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other claws at the end of it's paws!

=====

It is the tale, not he who tells it."

Truely awful Falcoln! Keep em coming!

Legend has it that football great Bronko Nagurski opened a gas station upon retirement from the NFL. A visitor to town asked whether or not he was successful.

"Once someone gets gas from Bronko, they never go anyplace else", a local told him.

"Is the service that good?" asked the visitor.

"No, not really." said the local.

"Does he have the best price?"

"About the same as everybody else."

"Then the gas must be better."

"No, it's just regular gas."

"Then why does everyone keep coming back to Bronko?"

"Because when Bronko Nagurski puts your gas cap on, no one but Nagurski can get it back off."

June 27, 2003

Have you heard about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

Or how about the missionary whose partner was captured by cannibals. As they were preparing to drop the partner in the pot, the missionary came running down the hill from the place where he'd been watching. "Stop", he cried. "You can't boil him!"

"Why not", they asked.

"Because, he's a friar!"

"Roads? Where we're going we don't need .... roads" --Dr. Emmett L. Brown

Lame Jokes

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