Jump to content

Lame Jokes


Followers 0

Recommended Posts

Q)What goes down the basement with four legs, but comes back with eight?

 

 

A) A cat with a mouse!

 

===========

 

FREAKIN HARD:

Q)If you break me I'll not stop working. If you can touch me, my work is done. If you lose me, you must find me with a ring soon after. What am I?

 

A)"traeh a" (reversed)

 

=====

It is the tale, not he who tells it."

Link to comment

So I was out golfing the other day.....

 

And on I'm in the clubhouse ording a sandwich and I almost $@*& myself. Cause Chi Chi Rodriguez is there. So I walk over and ask him how he's doing. He says "Not so good man... I ain't got a caddy, will you caddie for me man." I of course immediately followed him onto the course without eating my lunch.

 

At this I'm pumped I mean Chi Chi wants me to be his caddie, so of course I say yes........

 

We start and to my complete surprise he totally hooks the ball on his first shot.... I was a little surprised by that but you've got to figure hey it even happens to the best of them........

 

Well after that things got back to the way I figured they should.... the man was just amazing to watch golf........

 

2nd hole he birdied........

 

3rd hold he birdied........

 

4th he got a freakin hole it one, I mean I was pumped I'd never scene a whole in one before and not only did I got to see one but I got to see CHi Chi freakin Rodriguez hit one, I coulnd't have been happier..... ANyway we do hi fives and what not tip back a celebratory brew and continue golfing.....

 

6th hole he screwed up double boggeyed it but I was so pumped about the whole in one that I didn't care.....

 

Around the 7th whole I realize how hungry I really am, I mean I'm freaking starving after all I didn't eat all day. Anyway Chi Chi hears my stomach rumbling and asks if I'm ok.

 

I say sure Chi CHi I'm fine (I mean I'm not going to tell CHi CHi I'm hungry and need to eat it'll ruin the day).... so after Chi Chi's drive it happens again, I really starting to hurt now but I figure if I can just hang on for two more holes we'll be done.

 

8th whole and my stomach is killing me I really feel like I'm going to pass out if I don't get any food.... but I can't just can't bother Chi Chi.... fortunately he birdied the whole so it didn't take long.

 

We walk up to the 9th and I'm thinking thank God I can barely stand it I am about to pass out from hunger but I know I can make it through this last whole, and then I can eat.

 

Well Chi CHi birdies the last whole and starts to head off to the back 9!!!!!!! I HAD THOUGHT HE WAS ONLY going to do the FRONT 9.

 

By this time I had to eat I said he CHi Chi I'm really sorry but I can't caddie for you anymore.....

 

He said "why not mon?"

 

I said Chi CHi I'm starving I HAVE TO EAT"

 

He said "don't worry maaan, I've got a sandwidge right here in my bag"

 

icon_biggrin.gif

 

"...Not all those who wander are lost..."

Link to comment

A piece of rope walks into a bar and hops on the bar stool. The bartender say's, "You'll have to leave, we don't serve rope in here."

 

So, the rope goes outside, ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends.

 

He goes back into the bar and once again hops on the barstool. The bartender says, "Aren't you that same piece of rope I just threw out?" The rope says, "Nope, I'm afraid not."

Link to comment

quote:
Originally posted by weRlostNDwoods:

A piece of rope walks into a bar and hops on the bar stool. The bartender say's, "You'll have to leave, we don't serve rope in here."

 

So, the rope goes outside, ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends.

 

He goes back into the bar and once again hops on the barstool. The bartender says, "Aren't you that same piece of rope I just threw out?" The rope says, "Nope, I'm afraid not."


 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cache.

Link to comment

Not so lame but good nonetheless:

 

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City,

came to a dead stop in traffic and thought to himself,

"Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of

stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,

"Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies,

 

"Hillary Clinton is depressed,

so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to

douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire.

She says her husband is running around on her more than

ever and the Democrats told her to forget about

running for president in 2004.

So we're taking up a collection for her."

The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but

a lot of folks are still siphoning."

 

http://fp1.centurytel.net/Criminal_Page/

Link to comment

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They determined to make

> > this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as

> > clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought

> some

> > really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

> >

> > The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"

garb.

> >

> > They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and

the

> > scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in tiny bikini came walking

> > straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde

> passed

> > them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," "Good morning

> Father,"

> > nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They

> > were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

> >

> > The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous

> > outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw

them.

> >

> > Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the

> sunshine

> > etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini

this

> > time, came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted

> them

> > individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning, Father,"

> > and started to walk away.

> >

> > One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute, young

> lady."

> >

> > "Yes?" she replied.

> >

> > "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world

did

> > you know we are priests?"

> >

> > "Father, it's me, Sister Helen."

Link to comment

Did I say I was done? I lied.

 

A bear walks into a bar in Burnaby BC, and orders a beer. "I'm sorry", says the bartender "but we don't serve beers to bears in Burnaby BC."

 

"Look", says the bear "I'm 400 kilos of fur and fury - gimme a beer, or I'm gonna tear this bar apart".

 

"Be that as it may," says the bartender, "but we don't serve beers to bears here in Burnaby BC".

 

So the bear goes postal, knocking down walls with his paws, tearing up the carpet with claws, and chewing up the chairs and tables.

 

"Now", says the bear, "are you gonna give me that beer?"

 

The bartender refuses once again (because we don't serve beers to bears, etc, etc, etc.)

 

The bear, getting desperate, looks around the remnants of the bar, and spots a drunk woman, passed out at the far end of the counter. "Give me beer right now - or I'm gonna eat that woman over there!" demands the bear.

 

The bartender refuses once again (because we don't serve beers to bears, etc, etc, etc.)

 

The bear marches over, and swallows the woman whole in one big gulp. "Now mister, are you gonna give me that beer now?"

 

"No", says the bartender. We don't serve beers to bears, especially not bears on drugs!"

 

The bear is shocked and protests loudly and at great length that he is a clean-living bruin and has a completely drug-free body.

 

Says the bartender, "Well, what about the bar ***** you ate?"

 

... hey, at least it wasn't as bad as the "butcher dance" one!

Link to comment

A guy rolls through a stop sign and is promptly pulled over. He argues with the cop that he did stop, while Officer friendly says he didn't. Our friend admits that he almost stopped and should get a break. The cop says that almost stopping is not the same as stopping. The driver says "If you can explain the difference between stopping and almost stopping, I'll take the ticket". The cop pulls him from the car and starts beating him on the head with his nightstick. After a few good hits he asks the driver "Do you want me to stop or almost stop?"

 

Maps?!? I don't need no stinking maps! I got coordinates!

Link to comment

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from, of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space.

 

This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.

 

With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee. The august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jell-o. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student.

 

"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group." Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..."

 

"Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."

 

*****

Link to comment

Two Geocachers caching one day:

 

There was a cache high up in the mountains with beautifull scenery, and the cachers were within 100 feet of the cache. The Magellan User was commenting on the lovely vista, and the Garmin user said "Well thankyou it is a great gps", then the Magellan user grabs the eTrex and flings the eTrex over the cliff, and says "I meant the Scenery, you dumbbell".

 

Okay, so this joke maybe quite lame, with a cane.

 

--------------------------------------------------

My Old posts as Geoffrey

My Current Post as GOT GPS?

My profile

My Home Page about what is GPS

Link to comment

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice.

 

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino,and began to cut yet another hole.

 

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up his stool, and tried again to cut his hole.

 

The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

He stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

 

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

icon_wink.gif

 

"Lost in the woods? Not if you remembered to waypoint the car!!". [icon_smile.gif]

 

I am a proud member of the Geocaching Association of Great Britain.

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Followers 0
×
×
  • Create New...