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Parody: Features of the Garmin (insert your state name here)


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So Garmin now has a Colorado and an Oregon.

 

Hmmmm... this calls for a parody thread.

 

I now live in Nevada, so I will start:

 

The Garmin NEVADA:

- Mostly makes a lot of flashing lights and exciting noise, takes your money, leaves you penniless but you still find it fun

- Works best in a red-light district

 

How about:

 

The Garmin RHODE ISLAND:

- Built kinda like an Ipod Nano.

- ??? (there's got to be a better Rhode Island joke somewhere)

 

The Garmin MAINE

- custom-made for when yah drahv yah cah to the gee-yah-cahsh

 

The Garmin NEW YORK (brooklyn version)

- Hey! HEY! Ya gonna look for that cache already or ya just gonna keep standing there?

 

The Garmin ILLINOIS (chicago version)

- shuts down small airports in the middle of the night

(my chicago joke sucks, someone come up with a better one)

 

Anyone up for describing other Garmin "models"? :mad:

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Garmin California:

1. Uses the same chipset as the Colorado and HCX series, often misleading the owner into thinking they are some place that they are not. When geocaching this frequently results in the owner muttering, “Asta la vista, baby,, I’ll be baak” (Did that sound like the Governor logging a DNF?)

2. Considered a “terror device” by the Sierra Club because it allows humans to navigate the public forests, where humans should be permanently banned from accessing (even though their tax money supports the maintenance of those lands). Therefore when purchasing this unit an annual permit must be obtained ($1,500). It also contains batteries. All batteries contain come level of toxic material (requiring an annual “recycling fee” of $200). This is now under review by the E.P.A. . This device is also being considered for the ever growing list of “banned assault weapons” (under the chemical clause), also requires a 30 day waiting period (we must be protected from ourselves!).

3. Has spoken navigation instructions in 3 local languages. “Valley Speak”, Gangsta Rap”, & Surfer Slang”. Also with an additional monthly service fee ($700), supports Spanish, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, and several Arabic dialects. English is not supported in the California series if purchased in the “Country” of California (available in all other states).

4. Comes equipped with a free service (no opt outs) that automatically links to all law enforcement agencies to display excessive speed and current location for automatic issuance of speeding tickets, and stop sign “roll thru” violations.

5. Only available in “pastel” colors that comply with politically correct “may not offend anyone” laws.

6. New user interface that does not use numbers or street names (reading and mathematics are not taught in California). A directional arrow and “smiley” or “frowney” faces are the only visual guidance instructions available. Also a new “touchy feely” screen accepts user inputs via internationally recognized icons.

7. Comes equipped with a mirror on the rear surface that allows a person to apply makeup, check hair, and their general appearance at any time (especially convenient while driving and talking on the cell phone).

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Garmin California:

---This GPS Device is known to cause cancer---

 

Garmin Idaho:

A GPS with custom programming based on the home state of the user.

Routes Californians Back Home.

Routes Utahans anywhere but across the Idaho Border.

Other States. Works fine.

 

Garmin Mecca

---Only Points to Mecca---

 

Garmin Fairbanks.

---Routes social misfits to Fairbanks from where ever they may be.

 

Garmin Texas

---Finally A GPS Screen big enough to see---

 

Garmin NYC

---routes as fast as you talk---

---optional DOHS Alert Color Level. You still won't know what you should do differently but at least you get different background colors.

 

Garmin Mexico

---Shows the location of border patrol agents---

 

Garmin Valley Girl Edition.

---an iPhone. They coudln't figure out a GPS anyway---

 

Garmin Surfer Dude

---automaticly records the location of your wipeouts----

 

Garmin Hell's Angels Edition

---Black Widow Black. Vibration Proof. Locking mount. Bluetooth/radio enabled so you can actually hear the routing.

 

Garmin Trucker Edition

---Active Speed Trap Matrix Technology---

---Tire Destruction Alert---

---Trucker Friendly Rest Area Alert---

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Garmin Louisiana:

 

Features:

--Mud Proof Housing

--Can withstand the pressure of an alligator bite.

--Plastic naturally repels mosquitos.

--Special button on the back doses a small squirt of Tabasco Sauce on your favorite trail snack.

--Includes English / French / Cajun / and "Deep" Cajun dialects.

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Announcing: The Garmin MONTANA

 

- The Last Best GPSr! :mad:

- Requires a view of the "Big Sky" for 3 whole days for the internal clock to work right. :mad:

- Compatible with the Astro's Dog Collar to keep track of livestock. :ph34r:

- Collar equiped with a mortality signal to let you know when the cattle are eaten by wolves or

bears. ;)

- Signal lock prevents Californians from using the MONTANA in Montana, used as a deterrent to

keep them from moving here. Feature also works with U-tards (tourists from Utah) :ph34r:

Edited by yogazoo
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Garmin Minnesota: (Here's what I have so far)

 

*"Ok" is replaced with "You betcha'"

*Only available with lake maps (400i)

*Harness in the back is replaced with a bottle of mosquito repellant.

*Built-in traffic receiver for the automotive profile during road construction season.

*Features sonar for use with fishing to estimate lake depths.

Edited by ryguyMN
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The "New Mexico 400t" - these are pretty dumb and won't make sense to very many:

 

1. It will come in two colors (red or green), and can be eaten in an emergency.

 

2. After breakfast, it's always time for siesta, so you'll have to wait for a satellite lock "manana" (tomorrow in spanish).

 

3. No one knows why, but it will contain lots and lots of trinitite so it will glow in the dark.

 

4. After lunch, it's always time for siesta, so you'll have to wait for a satellite lock "manana" (tomorrow in spanish).

 

5. Instead of WAAS correctional data, a tinfoil hat will be included to allow your unit to pick up cosmic signals beamed from UFO's that inhabit Roswell.

 

And finally...

 

6. After dinner, it's always time for siesta, so you'll have to wait for a satellite lock "manana" (tomorrow in spanish).

Edited by jmedlock
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The Garmin North Dakota 400:

 

--Has a built in heater to keep it from freezing solid in winter.

--Also includes an anemometer to measure the speed and direction of the constant wind.

--Has an extra large display so you can show people where it is when they ask "North Dakota? Isn't that part of Canada?"

--Doesn't come in a 400t topo model, because there is no topography to plot.

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Garmin New York (Far Upstate Version)

 

1) Screen freezes often and then becomes full of "snow" (what they used to sometimes call "static" on TV's). Sometimes this all vanishes after just 5 minutes!

 

2) Anytime you have it navigate to a waypoint in New York City, it tells you it's a million miles away no matter where you are.

 

3) "Talking, car navigation upgrade" - If you do #2 above, it also asks why you'd want to go there to begin with.....

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Garmin Florida:

 

Where the old batteries from the Garmin Ohio go to spend their last two hours of life.

 

In order to be a true Garmin FL, it must have been made in New York.

 

The Garmin FL has the same accent as the Garmin New York, but has a sun burn.

 

The Garmin FL comes with a mouse.

Edited by TeamGeoduck
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Garmin Michigan Lower Peninsula Edition featuring the new enhanced Pothole Avoidance System (better known as PHAS)

 

Disclaimer: Although the PHAS system is considered a premium feature and will soon be included in all production Garmin Michigan units, beta testing of this feature will not begin until it is available at your local Garmin Authorized Dealer.

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Garmin Minnesota: (Here's what I have so far)

 

*"Ok" is replaced with "You betcha'"

*Only available with lake maps (400i)

*Harness in the back is replaced with a bottle of mosquito repellant.

*Built-in traffic receiver for the automotive profile during road construction season.

*Features sonar for use with fishing to estimate lake depths.

 

In spite of all those "features", though... the Garmin Minnesota is really, really NICE!

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Garmin Indiana

 

-- Water proof in case of June 2008 flood like environment

-- Tracks over 25 satellites at once while in or near a corn field (which would be 93.5% of the time)

-- Has 2 way points you can never delete: The Colts Complex and the Indy500

-- Can not save way points in the unit during the month of May & the Indy500 way point is 8 times larger than anything else on the screen.

-- Has a beer count down timer to remind you that you can't buy alcohol on Sunday. Screen flashes every Saturday night at 11:15 PM to remind you of the blue laws.

 

:D

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GARMIN Wisconsin:

 

 

Features-

 

-Shows all lakes of Wisconsin

-Shows all Wisconsin trails (paid or not)

 

-Has a moving waypoint named 'BrettFarve08' so you can track his every move even if he's a Chicago Bear (won't work in the Blogo state of Illinois). Not removeable.

 

-Also shows Matt Kenseth's Wisc. home so all Gordon fans can come trash his home.

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Garmin Iowa:

 

Knows exactly what brand of seed you planted and your plat. (No really, it does)

 

Major POIs are local Gas stations/Convenience Stores to sit and drink coffee.

 

Special button for SCOB (Seed Cap Over-board) to mark where you lost your hat while driving the tractor.

 

Auto-routing never gives the name the of road, just local reference points.

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The Garmin NEW JERSEY:

 

-Is equipped with a speaker that is astonishingly loud despite its small size.

-Has automatic routing, but will refuse to operate if the desired route leads to the shore from a starting point anywhere north of Rt. 22.

-Is rumored to have defective battery containment which leaks carcinogens, although that was only a single batch produced long ago.

-Was purposely designed to be too large to fit in any pocket, to avoid the appearance of a concealed weapon.

-Has an ugly but valid reputation for data corruption.

-Comes with a steel-tipped stylus, "just in case".

-Will not function in Bergen County on Sundays.

Edited by MountainRacer
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Garmin World 10000

 

1) Futuristic interface to show a heads up display which shows your surrounding computer generated. Incorprated Night vision for the night caches also.

2) Auto Cache detector on HUD it will search area for caches and pinpoint with red targeting circle.

3) Virtually control screen by touching virtual buttons in your field of view.

4) Muggle Detection routine which will scan area for muggles and if one gets to close it will auto-cloak you.

5) Optional brain stem jack to hook into your brain so you do not need the goggles and things will be displayed normally through your eyes. (brain stem port required not included in purchase) (Please consult your doctor prior to installing brain stem port)

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Garmin West Virginia:

1. Robert C. Byrd edition (because EVERYTHING in WV is named after him)

2. Built-in compass (if it works, your trailer is level)

3. Links to birth records database (so you know if you're caching with your daddy, uncle or both)

4. Dog tracking system (like the Astro)

5. Works with Topo maps ONLY!

6. MP3 player which only plays John Denver's "Country Roads"

Edited by Neo_Geo
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The Garmin North Dakota 400:

 

--Has a built in heater to keep it from freezing solid in winter.

--Also includes an anemometer to measure the speed and direction of the constant wind.

--Has an extra large display so you can show people where it is when they ask "North Dakota? Isn't that part of Canada?"

--Doesn't come in a 400t topo model, because there is no topography to plot.

Don't forget:

--Every tree in the state is preloaded as a POI (Yes, all five of them!)

--Distance measured in units of time.

--Not available in North Dakota until two years after it comes out everywhere else

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Garmin Florida:

 

Where the old batteries from the Garmin Ohio go to spend their last two hours of life.

 

In order to be a true Garmin FL, it must have been made in New York.

 

The Garmin FL has the same accent as the Garmin New York, but has a sun burn.

 

The Garmin FL comes with a mouse.

 

Has a flashing yellow light that blinks for hours after you have changed course to the right. Will continue to blink until another Fl. GPSr is near and blinks to it to stop blinking.

 

has a built in feature that forces the user to slow down and look from left to right to left to right and then over their shoulder as they pass their waypoint.

 

Also, in addition to above, may cause the user to stop in the middle of the road, without warning.

 

comes with sand in it whether you want it or not.

 

Can locate all interstate exits where Indian River Citrus is available or for shipping.

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Garmin Florida:

 

Where the old batteries from the Garmin Ohio go to spend their last two hours of life.

 

In order to be a true Garmin FL, it must have been made in New York.

 

The Garmin FL has the same accent as the Garmin New York, but has a sun burn.

 

The Garmin FL comes with a mouse.

 

Has a flashing yellow light that blinks for hours after you have changed course to the right. Will continue to blink until another Fl. GPSr is near and blinks to it to stop blinking.

 

has a built in feature that forces the user to slow down and look from left to right to left to right and then over their shoulder as they pass their waypoint.

 

Also, in addition to above, may cause the user to stop in the middle of the road, without warning.

 

comes with sand in it whether you want it or not.

 

Can locate all interstate exits where Indian River Citrus is available or for shipping.

 

Comes with built in POIs that displays all exits that have discount theme park tickets and that have 10 for $3 Florida T-shirts.

 

The Garmin Florida also has a page dedicated to let you know how many miles/exits you have until you reach Cafe Risque.

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Garmin Texas GPS:

 

Always in search mode for OIL

 

If your are trying to search for a geocache, it will first search for OIL.

 

Whenever it finds OIL, it checks its database of POI, then reports the find, to the Big Oil companies.

 

Whenever there is a stolen OIL truck, all the Garmin Texas GPS units will be in search mode for the stolen truck, then report it if it is nearby, so even if the truck is repainted and the plates changed, the thief can not get away.

 

Whenever you buy some texas oil, the GPS can transact a discount via your credit card.

 

10,000 Texas OIL Waypoints

200 geocache waypoints

1,000,000 tracklog points, but only work in the OIL Search Mode.

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Garmin Alaska. Keeps freezing on you.

 

Sorry, got nothing.

 

Don't apologize - that's the best one yet...

 

It even kind of "inspired" the version I came up with in my entry. Another one.....(totally unrelated)

 

Garmin CONNECTICUT

 

1) If you're on I-95/Merritt Parkway or the navigation involves these roads, the GPS becomes very slow most of the time, sometimes getting "stuck".

 

2) If you want to navigate to New York, it wants you to stay in Connecticut. The talking version for the car extols the benefits of such. If you're in NY, it wants you to come to CT and stay there.

 

3) While in or navigating to the southwestern part of the state, it costs a lot more in battery power than elsewhere/other times.

 

4) GPS can't tell whether it's in the NY metropolitan area or the New England region.

Edited by HaLiJuSaPa
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Garmin South Carolina

 

1) Comes only in Deer Hunter Orange

2) Waypoint database consists only of Wal-Marts and Bar-B-Que joints

3) The United States is a single waypoint to help

find the US on the world map.

4) Comes with a miniature concrete block as a dash mount

5) Automatically reminds the owner when it's time to re-apply for workman's comp.

6) Used to be called the Garmin New York or the Garmin Ohio

Edited by Rubberhead
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In a bit different vein but..

 

Introducing the new garmins!:

 

The Nuvi 105

The Nuvi 115

The Nuvi 155

The Nuvi 405

The Nuvi 495

The Nuvi 510

The Nuvi 985

The Nuvi 995

...

...

...

...

..

...

...

...

<hours later>

And the Nuvi 9605!!

 

We will of course not be discontinuing any old models.

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It even kind of "inspired" the version I came up with in my entry. Another one.....(totally unrelated)

 

Garmin CONNECTICUT

 

1) If you're on I-95/Merritt Parkway or the navigation involves these roads, the GPS becomes very slow most of the time, sometimes getting "stuck".

 

2) If you want to navigate to New York, it wants you to stay in Connecticut. The talking version for the car extols the benefits of such. If you're in NY, it wants you to come to CT and stay there.

 

3) While in or navigating to the southwestern part of the state, it costs a lot more in battery power than elsewhere/other times.

 

4) GPS can't tell whether it's in the NY metropolitan area or the New England region.

 

Garmin Connecticut: Must be a member of "skull and crossbones" to buy this model.

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The Garmin NEW JERSEY

 

- Only auto-routes when you're driving in the passing lane of any highway, regardless of speed

- Requires that an employee of the store where you bought new batteries replace them for you

- Comes in two models, one of them is almost indistinguishable from the Garmin New York, the other is a little more user friendly.

 

 

The Garmin PENNSYLVANIA

- Marketed as the Garmin Pee-Ay, never referred to by its full name

- Has an Amish mode that will route you over roads suitable for a horse & buggy

- Real-time downloading of pothole locations to warn you about them

- Automatically changes to "unpaved road" mode when taken north of Interstate 80

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Garmin Kansas 100

- Topographical display not needed (for obvious reasons)

- Windspeed and Direction mode (Hard from the North in Winter, Hard from the South in Summer)

- All roads displayed in 1-mile squares, N-S and E-W (wait, that's actually true! :( )

- Autolink to show location of tornados

- Autolink to show locations of cattle in road

- Waypoint icons are C (=corn), W (=wheat), and B (=soybeans). Icons change automatically every 6 months.

 

And the Garmin Kansas 200

- All of the above features, PLUS!!

 

(wait for it...)

 

- Built-in basemap includes the location of the tree AND Mt. Sunflower AND the Geodetic Center of the Conterminous US.

 

Location of the World's Largest Ball of Twine included in our Accessory software.

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A couple of new models for the international market:

 

Garmin Oz (a.k.a. Garmin Australia)

- Display is installed upside down (but looks fine when you are "down under")

- "Welcome" message replaced with "G'day Mate"

- Pre-programmed POIs include "The Black Stump", "Beyond the Black Stump", and "The Back of Beyond"

 

Garmin Italia

- Doesn't matter what you program when in "Navigation" mode - "All roads lead to Rome"

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Garmin Washington: Built in windshield wiper.

 

Also includes:

~Waterproof

 

~Comes in "Evergreen Green"

 

~Made from 100% post consumer recycled materials

 

~Rain gauge to prove that it doesn't really rain 'THAT' much...

 

~Unique icons to classify rain as: rain, showers, drizzle, mist, isolated showers, spot showers, scattered showers, and widespread showers

 

~Pill compartment for convenient storage of your seasonal depression medication (usually used Jan to Mar when it's drizzle and highs of 40s every day)

 

~Californian driver proximity alert/warning

 

~Starbucks proximity alert

 

 

That's the best I can do tonight... ;-)

 

ps. note that I have no real personal grudge against Californians and New York get's more annual rainfall than Washington State. ;-)

Edited by lookn4somthn
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