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I Deny Everything! I Do Not Use Banned Anabolics! I Am the Victim of a Conspiracy!

Vinny & Sue Team
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Vinny & Sue Team

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Folks, I want to head this one off at the pass, so to speak! I am gonna be proactive and nip this one in the bud, before it leads to all kinds of silly rumors and nonsense! Here goes:

 

First, as background, you are probably all aware by now that the Mitchell Report has caused a major scandal in the sports world by revealing the depth and extent of abuse of performance-enhancing drugs by professional baseball players; the report even went so far as to name dozens of baseball players who have used banned performance-enhancing drugs as anabolic steroids and painkillers. And, you are likely aware of similar reports and similar scandals in the worlds of professional football, bicycle racing and track in the past three years. To add to the shame, the LA Times reported in a hard-hitting December 20 article that even academics, musicians and poker champs also regularly use banned performance-enhancing drugs to gain an edge in their fields.

 

And, you may also be aware -- from the small articles on the topic which appeared about six months ago in the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times (and also on fark.com) -- that it has long been suspected that many geocachers unfairly use forbidden performance-enhancing drugs in order to gain an edge when hiding or placing tough caches or in achieving high post counts on the geo forums. As you may or may not know, in the aftermath of those articles earlier this year, Groundspeak and the US Congress quietly commissioned a secret study and survey of the prevalence of abuse of forbidden performance-enhancing drugs by geocachers. The committee which performed the study is known as the Markwell Committee, and their Markwell Report on abuse of anabolic steroids and other illegal performance-enhancing drugs in the geocaching world is due to be released to the mainstream media on January 6th, 2008. It is quite well known that this Markwell Report will "name names"; that it will name 97 well-known geocachers and geo forum posters who mindlessly inject banned anabolic steroids into their bodies in order to earn smilies more quickly.

 

By sheer luck, I happen to have been given a clandestine advance copy of the report; it arrived here at my enclave in the mountains of western Maryland near Camp David yesterday in a sealed diplomatic pouch delivered by a military courier traveling incognito (and expresso as well.) I have since had a chance to review the Markwell Report in full, and to review the list of names of 97 geocachers which the committee accuses of abusing banned performance-enhancing substances. Here are my reactions:

 

While I am vastly appreciative of the fact that this nasty and smelly matter of abuse of anabolic steroids and other banned performance-enhancing drugs in the geocaching world is finally getting the attention it deserves, I am dismayed at some of the GROSS inaccuracies to be found in the report. Among other things, among the 97 cachers named, one of the names cited most prominently by the Markwell Report is mine! Yes, the Markwell Report claims that I consume massive amounts of banned steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs in order to improve my geocaching hide rate and find rate and to be able to send massive volumes of posts to the national forums. Here then is my official response:

 

Folks, I speak to you today from the bottom of my heart; hear me when I tell you loudly and clearly:

This Markwell Report is wrong! All of the allegations about me which are contained in this report are entirely untrue! I deny everything! Everything! I have never ingested or injected any kind of banned steroids or other banned performance-enhancing drugs in order to improve my geocache hide count, my geocache find count, or my post count on the Groundspeak forums! I deny everything! This report is wrong, and it is obvious that the Markwell Committee has/had a major vendetta against me! Their report is full of lies, and I am a victim! A victim! I deny everything!

 

Further, since I am so obviously a victim of a smear campaign, I must tell advise you that if you believe the lies about me in the Markwell Report, then you are no more than an un-American, God-hating hooligan, a scalawag and a carpetbagger!

 

Folks, I exhort you -- Now is the time to rally to my defense, and to send thousands of dollars in contributions to my defense fund at [ web link removed by moderator; do not attempt to post this link again. ]!

Edited by Vinny & Sue Team
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Vinny & Sue Team

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Folks, I have been contacted by a number of fellow geocachers since this forum thread started this morning, each asking me how the committee which authored the report came to be called "The Markwell Committee". I leafed through the purloined pre-publication copy of the document which had been slipped to me, and in the Appendix I found the answer, namely in Appendix C. I have scanned the entirety of Appendix C from the Markwell Report and I reproduce it below:

 

The Markwell Report on the Prevalence and Incidence of Abuse of

Banned Performance-Enhancing Substances in Geocaching

With an Analysis of Effects Upon the Sport and Upon Player Morbidity and Mortality

January 6, 2008

 

Appendix C

 

A Brief History of the Formation and Staffing of the Markwell Committee

 

In the aftermath of the expose-type articles aired in the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times in early 2007 regarding allegations of widespread use of banned performance-enhancing drugs by geocachers, responsible members of Congress, along with senior management at Groundspeak, Inc., decided to commission a committee which would be tasked with the duty of exploring the depth and prevalence of abuse of said substances in the world of geocaching. Just as the Mitchell Committee – which authored and published the now-famous Mitchell Report in the world of major league baseball -- was headed by well-known and widely-respected leader, namely former US Senate majority leader George Mitchell, it was decided that this newly-formed committee should be headed by a personage of unquestionable integrity and with an impeccable reputation.

 

Primarily for reasons of prestige and name-recognition, the first potential committee head considered by the committee was Signal the Frog. However, early on in the pre-screening process, it became apparent that Signal had a long and sordid – and ongoing – history of abuse of a performance-enhancing drug called Chemical X. Because of this distressing factor alone, Signal the Frog was quickly from the short list of potential candidates for the position of committee chair. The next person considered for the position of committee head was the well-known geocaching reviewer and Groundspring volunteer Keystone. The selection committee reasoned that he was not only well-known, but that it would also sound nifty for the committe to bear the name The Keystone Committee. However, almost as soon as preliminary background checks were commenced, it was brought to the attention of the selection committee that Keystone had his own sordid connection with the dirty underworld of banned performance-enhancing substances, namely, he was the sole supplier of Chemical X to Signal the Frog! Worse it was discovered that he had proudly and vainly bragged about this sordid and filthy fact many times on the Groundspeak forums. Thusly, Keystone was quickly removed from the ever-shortening short list of potential candidates.

 

The committee then considered the well-known and well-respected volunteer Groundspeak geocache reviewer Quiggle for the position of committee head. However, it was quickly brought to the attention of the committee that the then-83 year old reclusive grandmother had a past criminal record consisting of seventeen misdemeanor convictions, three felony convictions, and was also a well-known moonshiner, and also that she had thirteen tattoos. Thus, Quiggle was quickly removed from consideration for the role of committee chair.

 

The candidate selection committee regrouped in mid-2007 and made one last effort to pick a suitable person to head the committee; stressing the fact that the candidate would need to not only be well-known and well-respected in the geocaching community, but would need to have an impeccable reputation for integrity and honesty. After two weeks of agonizing searching, the committee came up with only one name as a suitable candidate, namely that of Simon T. Markwell, the well-known Groundspeak volunteer moderator and geocacher. Unlike the earlier candidates for committee chair, Simon Markwell easily made it through the background pre-screening and final investigation process, and in early July 2007, Simon T. Markwell was announced as the head of the investigatory committee,which would be called The Markwell Committe for the Study of the Prevalence and Incidence of Abuse of

Banned Performance-Enhancing Substances in Geocaching.

 

END of Appendix C

 

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