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San Diego Banter


TrailGators
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Wedding Fairy:

 

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, Oh,I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

 

The husband thought for a moment: Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife,and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....

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Sometimes it pays to be old

 

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple

had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old

neighborhood after they retired.

 

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd

shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,

practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not

sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the

money--fifty-thousand dollars.

 

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and

hid it in their attic.

 

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the e neighborhood looking for

the money, and knocked on the door.

 

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored

car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

 

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school

yesterday . . '

 

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

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During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

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Getting A Parking Ticket

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, ' Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

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Getting A Parking Ticket

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, ' Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

:)
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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

 

 

NICKNAMES

 

a.. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

b.. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

 

EATING OUT

 

a.. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. & nbsp; None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

b.. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

 

a.. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

b.. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

 

a.. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel

b.. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

 

a.. A woman has the last word in any argument.

b.. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

 

a.. A woman worries about the future until she

b.. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

 

a.. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

b.. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

 

a.. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

b.. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

 

a.. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

b.. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

 

a.. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

b.. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

 

a.. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

b.. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT

THE BOTTOM....RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING...ENJOY...THIS SHARPENS THOSE GENES

IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMERS FOR YEARS....

Don't Cheat

 

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three

rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of

assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't

eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

 

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over

5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out

together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

 

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when

you throw it away?

 

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words

Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

 

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you

can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain

that you would think nothing was wrong with it In fact, nothing is

wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it,

but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit,

you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

 

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

 

 

Don't Cheat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

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>

>

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>

>

> Answers:

>

> 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

> That one was easy, right?

>

>

> 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,

> developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

>

>

> 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

>

>

> 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and

> tomorrow!

>

>

> 5 The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English

> language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

 

 

How did you do?

Edited by SD-Weiss
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THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT

THE BOTTOM....RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING...ENJOY...THIS SHARPENS THOSE GENES

IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMERS FOR YEARS....

Don't Cheat

 

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three

rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of

assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't

eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

 

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over

5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out

together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

 

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when

you throw it away?

 

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words

Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

 

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you

can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain

that you would think nothing was wrong with it In fact, nothing is

wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it,

but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit,

you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

 

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

 

 

Don't Cheat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Answers:

>

> 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

> That one was easy, right?

>

>

> 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,

> developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

>

>

> 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

>

>

> 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and

> tomorrow!

>

>

> 5 The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English

> language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

 

 

How did you do?

 

I couldn't figure out 1, 2, or 3, but I did get 4 and 5! Neat riddles! :unsure:

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THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT

THE BOTTOM....RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING...ENJOY...THIS SHARPENS THOSE GENES

IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMERS FOR YEARS....

Don't Cheat

 

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three

rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of

assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't

eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

 

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over

5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out

together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

 

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when

you throw it away?

 

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words

Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

 

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you

can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain

that you would think nothing was wrong with it In fact, nothing is

wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it,

but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit,

you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

 

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

 

 

Don't Cheat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Answers:

>

> 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

> That one was easy, right?

>

>

> 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,

> developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

>

>

> 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

>

>

> 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and

> tomorrow!

>

>

> 5 The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English

> language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

 

 

How did you do?

 

I couldn't figure out 1, 2, or 3, but I did get 4 and 5! Neat riddles! :unsure:

Those were fun. Thanks! I got 1, 2 and 4. I should have gotten 3, but I've had a gas grill so long it didn't even dawn on me. I never would have gotten 5 because I'm not very observant (except when it comes to finding caches....sometimes..). :cool:
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Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

 

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.

 

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

 

God bless America!

00020198.gif

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AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED:

 

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law

a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift

I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

 

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started...

 

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted

for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny

that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started...

 

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started...

 

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started...

 

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

When I got home last night, my wife demanded

that I take her someplace expensive.

So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's how the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case

of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better

at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started...

 

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink

as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up

those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person

could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started...

 

****************************************************

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office

to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my

driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to

go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience

at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.

You might have gotten Disability, too'

And that's how the fight started...

 

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

 

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started...

 

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,

so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,

and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed,

and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a

different anticipation, and whispered,

'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied,

'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started...

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When one puts the government in charge!!!!!

 

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars $1.40 and coaches $7.00.

 

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

 

"Well", said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant."

 

"Aahhh...no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

 

"No", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council. Wasn't he?"

 

"NO!" insisted the Council. "We thought he was your employee all of these years."

 

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or on a white sandy beach somwhere, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at about $560 perday at the Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million!

 

And no one even knows his name.

 

Golden. Simply golden.. 00020201.gif

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When one puts the government in charge!!!!!

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars $1.40 and coaches $7.00.

 

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

 

"Well", said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant."

 

"Aahhh...no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

 

"No", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council. Wasn't he?"

 

"NO!" insisted the Council. "We thought he was your employee all of these years."

 

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or on a white sandy beach somwhere, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at about $560 perday at the Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million!

 

And no one even knows his name.

 

Golden. Simply golden..

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When one puts the government in charge!!!!!

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars $1.40 and coaches $7.00.

 

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

 

"Well", said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant."

 

"Aahhh...no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

 

"No", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council. Wasn't he?"

 

"NO!" insisted the Council. "We thought he was your employee all of these years."

 

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or on a white sandy beach somwhere, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at about $560 perday at the Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million!

 

And no one even knows his name.

 

Golden. Simply golden..

Classic! :)
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The love story of Ralph and Edna.....

 

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head nurse director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

 

Happy Mental Health Day!

Edited by TrailGators
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

 

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

 

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

 

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

 

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

 

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

 

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

 

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

 

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

 

0002031F.gif

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Ray & Bubba

 

( Arkansas mechanical engineers)

 

were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

 

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

 

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,'

 

said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse,

 

loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

 

Then she took a tape measure from her

 

pocket, took a measurement, announced,

 

'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

 

Ray shook his head and laughed.

 

'Ain't that just like a woman!

 

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

 

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government ...

 

and helping to design the "stimulus package."

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Ray & Bubba

 

( Arkansas mechanical engineers)

 

were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

 

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

 

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,'

 

said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse,

 

loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

 

Then she took a tape measure from her

 

pocket, took a measurement, announced,

 

'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

 

Ray shook his head and laughed.

 

'Ain't that just like a woman!

 

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

 

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government ...

 

and helping to design the "stimulus package."

:ph34r:
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f726c05d-6c3f-4fea-971e-af16981df2a8.jpg

 

 

New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT.

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.

 

This makes construction a breeze,

you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back,

relax with a cold drink and when she has the board in the right place,

just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine,

you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.

After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun,

the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else, probably, ever again.

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Military WISDOM

 

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

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Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "Aim towards the Enemy."

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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps

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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

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"It is generally inadvisable to eject.... Directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur.

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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

- -----------------------------------------------------

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

- --------------------------------------------------------

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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"Without ammunition.... The USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."

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"Never trade luck for skill."

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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; Two in a row is all luck; Three in a row is prevarication.

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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; We never left one up there!"

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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world.. It can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't... flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by.... the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked .... when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

I'm surprised there was anyone left in the pub to look at you!!! :D

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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

I'm surprised there was anyone left in the pub to look at you!!! :lol:

 

000203F9.gif

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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

I'm surprised there was anyone left in the pub to look at you!!! :D

I messed up! I was supposed the replace all the "I"s in the joke with "Tom." It's a lot funnier that way... :lol::D:)
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NEW SCAM BE ON THE LOOK OUT

 

 

Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their 'mark' (or intended target) with a show of friendliness , the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pocket or purse for any valuables.

Be on the alert!!

Here is a photo from a recent attack that was captured on film..

39cedc83-d630-4ded-810a-d5c8320dd70d.jpg

 

 

This is being called the AFLAC Scam

 

0002031F.gif

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Are you a "clueless numpty?"

 

Paradise Lost

 

A BBC article named "Paradise Lost" that should have appeared in the now

defunct "Daily Geocacher." Reader comments are especially entertaining and

include some priceless slams on American technology dependence.

 

My recent experience with Sat-Nav in Provence, France enabled me to fully

appreciate this article. Doing Frence roundabouts and unposted lanes with

a nagging, locally-accented female voice made my experience "memorable."

Edited by SD Rowdies
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Are you a "clueless numpty?"

 

Paradise Lost

 

A BBC article named "Paradise Lost" that should have appeared in the now

defunct "Daily Geocacher." Reader comments are especially entertaining and

include some priceless slams on American technology dependence.

 

My recent experience with Sat-Nav in Provence, France enabled me to fully

appreciate this article. Doing Frence roundabouts and unposted lanes with

a nagging, locally-accented female voice made my experience "memorable."

Having driven in the UK and Belgium and having experienced the joys of navigating by map through on endless strings of roundabouts -- where it's easy to lose track of which roundabout you are on (Honey, was that the 5th or the 6th?) and where, if you take the wrong exit, you can become hopelessly lost -- I will gladly take up the title of "clueless numpty".

 

On our last trip to the UK, we took our StreetPilot. Being told clearly which exit to take as we approached the roundabout was a vast improvement over the "old way" (which generally involved frustration, yelling and gnashing of teeth...)

 

And, after being told to "Turn Left on Road" (not numbered road -- A45; not named road -- Maiden Lane; but just "Road") and having experienced 10 miles of farm track that barely qualified as "road" we can say that we visited a scenic part of North Yorkshire that most tourists (or anyone for that matter) will never see. (And it really was the fastest way to Newcastle...)

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A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is

in trouble!

 

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman, (Carol Shea-Porter), ask for an

aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the

window. (On an airplane!)

 

I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard

Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the

length of the flight and the passport information, and then he

interrupted me with,' I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but

Capetown is in Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make him look

stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is

in Africa". His response -- click.

 

A senior Vermont Congressman, (Bernie Sanders), called, furious about

a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in

Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to

explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the

state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida

is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

 

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it

possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said,

''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

 

An aide for a cabinet member, (Janet Napolitano), once called and

asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation

and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him

why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big

airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''

(Aghhhh)

 

An Illinois Congresswoman, (Jan Schakowsky), called last week. She

needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left

at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that

Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand

the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast,

and she bought that.

 

A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler), called and asked, ''Do airlines

put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage

belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well,

when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that

said, (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After

putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying

laughing). I came back and explained the airport code for Fresno , Ca.

is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a

destination tag on his luggage...

 

 

A Senator John Kerry aide, (Lindsay Ross), called to inquire about a

trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,

''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to

Hawaii?''

 

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D)

from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told

my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

 

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to

Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer

planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter

plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

 

Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the

documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy

discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.

'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have

one of those.'' I double-checked and sure enough, her stay required a

visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four

times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

 

A New Jersey Congressman, (John Adler), called to make reservations,

''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York''. I was at a loss for

words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some

searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every

airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." The man

retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your

map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally

offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I

knew it was a big animal.''

 

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

 

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

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The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope said, "Did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says, "One little wave of your hand, and all people will rejoice forever?? Show me," she said.

 

 

So the Pope slapped her.

 

00020148.gif

 

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The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope said, "Did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says, "One little wave of your hand, and all people will rejoice forever?? Show me," she said.

 

 

So the Pope slapped her.

 

00020148.gif

 

:blink::huh:
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The blonde and ice fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

 

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

 

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again t o cut her hole.

 

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

 

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

 

000201E4.gif

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The blonde and ice fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

 

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

 

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again t o cut her hole.

 

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

 

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

 

000201E4.gif

 

:lol::ph34r:
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Presidential Puzzle

After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

 

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

 

370H-SSV-0773H

 

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

 

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

 

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

 

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

 

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

 

Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ............. .You're holding it upside down!'

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Presidential Puzzle

After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

 

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

 

370H-SSV-0773H

 

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

 

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

 

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

 

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

 

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

 

Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ............. .You're holding it upside down!'

LMAO!!! :unsure::blink::o;):P
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Presidential Puzzle

After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

 

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

 

370H-SSV-0773H

 

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

 

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

 

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

 

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

 

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

 

Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ............. .You're holding it upside down!'

LMAO!!! :blink::):cry::cry::)

 

000202BD.gif

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Presidential Puzzle

After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

 

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

 

370H-SSV-0773H

 

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

 

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

 

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

 

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

 

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

 

Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ............. .You're holding it upside down!'

LMAO!!! :blink::):cry::cry::)

 

000202BD.gif

LOL!!!!

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First-year students at U.C. Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

 

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the rear end of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

 

'Go ahead and do the same thing, 'he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'

 

'Now, learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.

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First-year students at U.C. Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

 

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the rear end of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

 

'Go ahead and do the same thing, 'he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'

 

'Now, learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.

 

 

000203DF.gif

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The only cow in a small town in Tennessee stopped giving milk.

 

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Michigan , for $200.00.

 

They bought the cow from Michigan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

 

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and

produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again..

 

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their

beloved cow.

 

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

 

They told the Vet what was happening.

 

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the

other side."

 

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did

you buy this cow in Michigan ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did

you know we got the cow in Michigan ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife

is from Michigan ."

00020400.gif 000201E4.gif

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The only cow in a small town in Tennessee stopped giving milk.

 

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Michigan , for $200.00.

 

They bought the cow from Michigan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

 

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and

produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again..

 

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their

beloved cow.

 

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

 

They told the Vet what was happening.

 

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the

other side."

 

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did

you buy this cow in Michigan ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did

you know we got the cow in Michigan ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife

is from Michigan ."

00020400.gif 000201E4.gif

:anibad::laughing:
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