San Diego Banter

[+TrailGators]

This is why learning to spell is important!

 

[+SKILLET]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly ranted & raved that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to threaten about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand and come forward?'

 

Not one hand went up, nobody moved ... so she took them home and ate them herself.

 

 

[+TrailGators]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly ranted & raved that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to threaten about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand and come forward?'

 

Not one hand went up, nobody moved ... so she took them home and ate them herself.

 

 

[+SKILLET]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........

WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

[+TrailGators]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........

WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

Nothing to do with geocaching but it cracked me up...

 

[+TrailGators]

Nothing to do with geocaching but it cracked me up...

 

Nice!

[+TrailGators]

Investment Banking Explained:

 

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

[+SKILLET]

Investment Banking Explained:

 

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

 

[+TrailGators]

WORD OF THE DAY: LIQUIDITY

 

Definition: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants

[+jahoadi and john]

WORD OF THE DAY: LIQUIDITY

 

Definition: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants

 

 

 

Ain't that the truth...I looked at mine and now I can NEVER retire! Of course I' still young and it will bounce back right

[+SKILLET]

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning,

they told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq . To

everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

 

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a Brazilian?'

 

This is especially funny since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

[+TrailGators]

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning,

they told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq . To

everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

 

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a Brazilian?'

 

This is especially funny since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

 

The guys at AIG certainly know the difference. How many other failing companies should we be paying bonuses for? Edited March 19, 2009 by TrailGators

[+SKILLET]

Redneck Bank Loan Never underestimate a Redneck. A Redneck from Texas walked into a bank in downtown Houston and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?' The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in Houston can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

[+TrailGators]

Redneck Bank Loan Never underestimate a Redneck. A Redneck from Texas walked into a bank in downtown Houston and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?' The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in Houston can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

[+SKILLET]

Dear President Obama,

 

Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know the one's down the street who in the good times refinanced their house several times and bought SUV's, ATV's, RV"s, a pool, a big screen, two Wave Runners and a Harley. But I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?

 

Richard Ford

Queen Creek AZ

 

P.S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?

 

P.P.S. I almost forgot - they didn't file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?

[+SKILLET]

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

 

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea....

I think this guy nailed it!

 

Dear Mr. President,

 

Patriotic retirement:

 

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force -pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

 

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

 

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry

fixed.

 

3) They either buy a house/pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

 

Can't get any easier than that!

 

[+"lostguy"]

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

 

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea....

I think this guy nailed it!

 

Dear Mr. President,

 

Patriotic retirement:

 

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force -pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

 

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

 

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry

fixed.

 

3) They either buy a house/pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

 

Can't get any easier than that!

 

One of you math wizards want to tell me how much this will actually cost so I can tell if it's a good deal or not.

[+TrailGators]

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

 

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea....

I think this guy nailed it!

 

Dear Mr. President,

 

Patriotic retirement:

 

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force -pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

 

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

 

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry

fixed.

 

3) They either buy a house/pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

 

Can't get any easier than that!

 

One of you math wizards want to tell me how much this will actually cost so I can tell if it's a good deal or not.

40 trillion and it's not a good deal because I'm not 50 yet. However, in two more years it will be a good deal.

[+TrailGators]

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

 

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

 

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

 

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

 

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

 

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

 

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

 

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

 

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

 

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

 

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

 

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

Yeah, tell me about it...

 

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

I once made a batch of enchiladas like that once. They were muy picante at both ends...and it's a good thing that there were no pain receptors in between...

[+SKILLET]

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

 

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

 

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

 

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

 

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

 

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

 

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

 

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

 

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

 

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

 

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

 

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

 

[+"lostguy"]

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

 

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

 

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

 

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

 

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

 

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

 

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

 

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

 

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

 

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

 

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

 

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Some of those remind me of sayings by one of my favortite deadpan comedians, "Steven Wright"

[+TrailGators]

A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

 

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

 

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

 

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

 

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

 

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

 

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

 

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

 

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

 

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

 

research.

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

 

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is

 

one of my long time favorites)

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

 

before.

 

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

 

A fool and his money are soon partying.

 

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

 

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

 

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Edited March 27, 2009 by TrailGators

[+SKILLET]

Ol' Blue

 

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through

the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

 

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern

education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie

that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

 

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that

program?'

 

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll

get him in the course.'

 

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

 

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The

boy calls home.

 

'So how's Ol' Blue doing son,' his father asks.

 

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't

believe this - they've had such good results they have

started to teach the animals how to read!'

 

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that

program?'

 

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

 

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of

the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor

read. So he shoots the dog.

 

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all

excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read

something and talk!'

 

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just

before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked

back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually

does.

 

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing'

around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

 

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bit!! before he

talks to your Mother!'

 

'I sure did, Dad!'

 

'That's my boy!'

 

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer ...... And then he went on

to become a Congressman .

[+TrailGators]

[+TrailGators]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

 

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

 

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

 

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

 

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 

WITNESS: I forget.

 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

 

WITNESS: We both do.

 

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

 

WITNESS: We do.

 

ATTORNEY: You do?

 

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

WITNESS: Are you shi##ing me?

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 

WITNESS: None.

 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 

WITNESS: By death.

 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

WITNESS: Take a guess.

 

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

 

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

 

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

 

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

 

And the best for last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[+SKILLET]

No offense Flagman on the last two posts. But they are funny

[+TrailGators]

GETTING OLD!

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

There might be some new critters on the cache critters page soon....

 

[+SKILLET]

There might be some new critters on the cache critters page soon....

 

 

 

Watch out for those Sharks

[+TrailGators]

You can now have your very own Obama Chia Pet!

[+SKILLET]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

 

 

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

 

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

 

 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

 

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 

 

"Done!" replies the government official.

 

 

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work. ?

 

[+TrailGators]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

 

 

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

 

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

 

 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

 

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 

 

"Done!" replies the government official.

 

 

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work. ?

 

Ain't that the truth!

[+TrailGators]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

 

He answered, "That's okay."

 

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

 

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

 

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

 

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

 

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

 

"How come so much .... I only bought 5 items.."

 

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

 

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!! Now, who said 'The mind is the first to go' ?

Edited April 15, 2009 by TrailGators

[+SKILLET]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

 

He answered, "That's okay."

 

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

 

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

 

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

 

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

 

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

 

"How come so much .... I only bought 5 items.."

 

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

 

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!! Now, who said 'The mind is the first to go' ?

 

Love it

[+TucsonThompsen]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

 

He answered, "That's okay."

 

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

 

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

 

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

 

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

 

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

 

"How come so much .... I only bought 5 items.."

 

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

 

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!! Now, who said 'The mind is the first to go' ?

 

Love it

 

Ahh....yes....I believe this trick has been immortalised as

.

[+TrailGators]

[+SD Rowdies]

[+FlagMan]

 

Classic!! LOL!!

[+SD Rowdies]

 

Classic!! LOL!!

Yeah, well, imagine when those three get together and come after me.

 

I do live inside a gated community but the gate wasn't designed to keep

people OUT.

Edited April 16, 2009 by SD Rowdies

[+TrailGators]

 

Classic!! LOL!!

Yeah, well, imagine when those three get together and come after me.

 

I do live inside a gated community but the gate wasn't designed to keep

people OUT.

Very funny, Harmon!

[+Team Fatman]

 

Classic!! LOL!!

Yeah, well, imagine when those three get together and come after me.

 

I do live inside a gated community but the gate wasn't designed to keep

people OUT.

Very funny, Harmon!

 

Hey, it's still turkey season , what to go me?

[+splashman]

 

Classic!! LOL!!

Yeah, well, imagine when those three get together and come after me.

 

I do live inside a gated community but the gate wasn't designed to keep

people OUT.

 

 

Gated community you say?

 

You seem to forget that I have the combination and I know which house is yours!!

 

Guess I'll add another checkmark next to your name along with the other 500!

I guess a visit to Dr. Sarcasma is in order to prevent the carnage.....................

Your Pal,

Splashette

[+SD Rowdies]

 

Classic!! LOL!!

Yeah, well, imagine when those three get together and come after me.

 

I do live inside a gated community but the gate wasn't designed to keep

people OUT.

Gated community you say?

 

You seem to forget that I have the combination and I know which house is yours!!

 

Guess I'll add another checkmark next to your name along with the other 500!

I guess a visit to Dr. Sarcasma is in order to prevent the carnage.....................

Your Pal,

Splashette

Hi Janie ... love y' babe. Kiss, kiss ... don't forget t' take your pills.

Edited April 17, 2009 by SD Rowdies

[+SD Rowdies]

 

Classic!! LOL!!

Yeah, well, imagine when those three get together and come after me.

 

I do live inside a gated community but the gate wasn't designed to keep

people OUT.

Very funny, Harmon!

Hey, it's still turkey season, want to go with me?

Er, uh, love t' go shoot some turkeys with you but I'm sort of busy

hiding from Splashette at the moment.

Edited April 17, 2009 by SD Rowdies

[Jonesi]

I've had my friend's hand me down GPSr for two weeks and gotten about 30 easy caches. Which only leaves locally the dozen plus caches around Twin Peaks. Is there one reasonable course that hits them all or do they need to be reached from 2 or 3 different directions? Is it realistic to try to get them at the same time? Any suggestions welcome. Also would the caches out by Lake Poway/Ramona be easier?

[+FlagMan]

I've had my friend's hand me down GPSr for two weeks and gotten about 30 easy caches. Which only leaves locally the dozen plus caches around Twin Peaks. Is there one reasonable course that hits them all or do they need to be reached from 2 or 3 different directions? Is it realistic to try to get them at the same time? Any suggestions welcome. Also would the caches out by Lake Poway/Ramona be easier?

Have I got this straight, Jonesy? A $40 million computer tells you you're chasing an earthquake, but you don't believe, and you come up with this on your own? ... Relax, you've sold me!!

[+SKILLET]

The Pastor's a**

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

 

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race

again, and it won again.

 

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S a** OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the

pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

 

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S a**.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor

to get rid of the donkey.

 

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

 

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the

next day:

NUN HAS BEST a** IN TOWN

 

The bishop fainted.

 

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

 

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS a** FOR $10

 

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER a** IS WILD AND FREE

 

The bishop was buried the next day.

 

The moral of the story is ... being

concerned about public opinion

can bring you much grief and misery ... even shorten your life.

 

So be yourself and enjoy life.

 

Stop worrying about everyone else's a** and you'll be a lot happier and

live longer!

Have a nice day!

[+TrailGators]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

 

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

 

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

 

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.."