Jump to content

San Diego Banter


TrailGators

Recommended Posts

Just in case you were trying to think of a way to differentiate your display from your neighbors...

 

e8f36982-8301-4cc3-aa34-a3a723440b4e.jpg

Somebody did a thorough job gutting that one! :laughing:

 

I love it, time to automate it to look life like!

 

 

You must be a Redneck if your Christmas decorations look like this.

 

Love it. 0002046B.gif

Link to comment

Creative Puns for the Educated Mind

 

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it tuned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his orders.

 

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownaparte.

 

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

 

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep Off the Grass."

 

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

 

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

18. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20. Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!

Link to comment

Two thirds of a pun is P U!

 

And to continue on the same level of sophistication...

 

One who farts in church gets to sit in own pew

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok

Stand on toilet, get high on pot

You swim in a swimsuit, jog in a jogging suit, smoke in a smoking jacket - why wear a windbreaker?

Link to comment

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

 

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to

her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation

with your fellow passenger.'

 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

'What would you like to talk about?'

 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

 

OK, 'she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A

horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets,

while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do

you suppose that is?'

 

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,

'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hit?

Link to comment
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

 

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to

her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation

with your fellow passenger.'

 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

'What would you like to talk about?'

 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

 

OK, 'she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A

horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets,

while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do

you suppose that is?'

 

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,

'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hit?

 

 

0002031E.gif

Link to comment

Little Johnny's at it again......

 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology

courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up..

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,

who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on

him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where

they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of

the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted

person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved

from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest..

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are

healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

Link to comment

MENSA and the Washington Post awards.

 

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

Here are the 2009 winners:

 

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a******.

 

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 

7.. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

 

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease.

 

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, right?

 

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

 

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

---------------------------------------------

 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 

And the winners are:

 

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

 

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

 

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

 

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

 

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

 

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

 

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

 

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

 

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

 

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

 

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 

13. Pokemon , n... A Rastafarian proctologist.

 

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Link to comment
Little Johnny's at it again......

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

 

000202BD.gif

Link to comment

:lol::D

 

So old Harmon...you think I'm a grouch huh ? Do you think it's easy to see the KWVERs! pass 15000 and have John constantly reminding me that we need to keep up? You know what my stats look like? Found 3, DNF 3, Hide 5, find 0, DNF 1, Hide 3.....it's killing me......This is what I did in the last 2 days: prune a orange tree, fill 10 trash cans with weeds, move 1 yard of rock by hand, clean 50 pounds of bird seed out of river rock through a sifter, duct tape a rain gutter, chicken wire 2 whiskey barrels, plant 3 trees, a flat of ground cover, spread a yard of mulch, move a composter, empty an overflowing pond, spray 4 gallons of round up......and that's just the stuff I remember.......

 

I'm gonna show you grouch....what's the biggest hill I can find? I don't care if it's pouring...there's gonna be a cache with your name on it SOON.......( that is if the carpenter fixes the leaky front door and gets the drywall in the garage fixed so mice can't come into the garage from the cellar and the landscaper doesn't want to meet to discuss a flagpole light so we're not in violation of flying a flag in the dark and and and)

 

I still remember my vow of "Harmon's Home Trails #1, #2, etc.....

 

 

You miss me don't ya? ...... I'm still your old gal pal......I'll be back soon....

Edited by jahoadi and john
Link to comment
:lol::D

 

So old Harmon...you think I'm a grouch huh ? Do you think it's easy to see the KWVERs! pass 15000 and have John constantly reminding me that we need to keep up? You know what my stats look like? Found 3, DNF 3, Hide 5, find 0, DNF 1, Hide 3.....it's killing me......This is what I did in the last 2 days: prune a orange tree, fill 10 trash cans with weeds, move 1 yard of rock by hand, clean 50 pounds of bird seed out of river rock through a sifter, duct tape a rain gutter, chicken wire 2 whiskey barrels, plant 3 trees, a flat of ground cover, spread a yard of mulch, move a composter, empty an overflowing pond, spray 4 gallons of round up......and that's just the stuff I remember.......

 

Shouldn't this be on the whiner thread? I think Chuy! would say, "Whah!" ;)

yeah, i'm hoping that smiley is gonna work....

Link to comment
So old Harmon...you think I'm a grouch huh ? Do you think it's easy to see the KWVERs! pass 15000 and have John constantly reminding me that we need to keep up? You know what my stats look like? Found 3, DNF 3, Hide 5, find 0, DNF 1, Hide 3.....it's killing me......This is what I did in the last 2 days: prune a orange tree, fill 10 trash cans with weeds, move 1 yard of rock by hand, clean 50 pounds of bird seed out of river rock through a sifter, duct tape a rain gutter, chicken wire 2 whiskey barrels, plant 3 trees, a flat of ground cover, spread a yard of mulch, move a composter, empty an overflowing pond, spray 4 gallons of round up......and that's just the stuff I remember.......

Woody's Rag/Hard Work

words and music by Woody Guthrie

 

While we're on the subject of hard work, I just wanted

to say that I always was a man to work.

 

I was born working and I worked my way up by hard

work. I ain't never got nowhere yet but I got there by

hard work.

 

Work of the hardest kind. I been down and I been out

and I've been busted, disgusted and couldn't be trusted.

 

I worked my way up and I worked my way down. I've

been drunk and I've been sober. I've had hard times

and I got hijacked and been robbed for cash and robbed

on credit.

 

Worked my way into jail and outta jail and I woke up

a lotta mornings and I didn't even know where I was at.

 

But the hardest work I ever done is when I was trying

to get myself a worried woman to ease my worried

mind.

 

Now I'm gonna tell you just about how much hard

work I had to do to get this here woman that I'm a-tellin'

you about.

 

I shook hands with 97 of her kinfolks and her blood

relatives and I done the same with 86 people that was

just her friends and her neighbors.

 

Kissed 73 babies and put dry pants on 34 of 'em, as well

as others, and done the When thing several times, as well

as a lot of other things just about like this.

 

I held 125 head of wild horses, put saddles and bridles

on more than that, harnessed some of the craziest,

wildest teams in the whole country. I rode 14 loco

broncos to a dead standstill and let 42 hound dogs lick

me all over.

 

7 times I was bit by hungry dogs and I was chewed

all to pieces by water moccasins and rattlesnakes on

2 separate river bottoms.

 

I chopped and I carried 314 arm loads of stoved

wood; 100 buckets of coal, and I carried a gallon of

kerosene 18 miles and lost a good pair of shoes in a

mud hole.

 

And I chopped and I weeded 48 rows of short cotton,

13 acres of bad corn and cut the sticker weeds out of

11 back yards, all on account a 'cause I wanted to

show her that I was a man and I liked to work

 

I cleaned out 9 barnloads, and cranked 31 automobiles,

all makes and models, pulled 3 cars out of mud

holes and 4 out of snowdrifts.

 

I dug 5 cisterns of water for some of her friends and

neighbors and run all kinds of errands.

 

I played the fiddle for 9 church meetings and I joined

11 separate denominations. I signed up and joined

up for 7 of the best trade unions I could find and paid

my dues about 6 weeks ahead of time, waded 40

miles of swamps, 60 big rivers, walked across 2

mountain ranges and crossed 3 deserts.

 

I got the fever and I got the sun stroke and I got the

malaria and I got the flu and I got moonstruck and

skeeter bit, the poison ivy and the 7 year itch and the

blind staggers.

 

I was given up for lost and dead about 2 dozen times.

Struck by lightning, struck by Congress, struck

by friends and kinfolks, as well as by 3 cars on

the highways and a lotta times in peoples'

henhouses.

 

I been hit and run down and run over and

walked on and knocked around and I'm just

settin' here now trying to study up what else I

can do to show that woman that I still ain't afraid

of hard work.

 

©1957 (Renewed), 1992 by Sanga Music Inc

All Rights Reserved.

Link to comment

:lol::D

 

So old Harmon...you think I'm a grouch huh ? Do you think it's easy to see the KWVERs! pass 15000 and have John constantly reminding me that we need to keep up? You know what my stats look like? Found 3, DNF 3, Hide 5, find 0, DNF 1, Hide 3.....it's killing me......This is what I did in the last 2 days: prune a orange tree, fill 10 trash cans with weeds, move 1 yard of rock by hand, clean 50 pounds of bird seed out of river rock through a sifter, duct tape a rain gutter, chicken wire 2 whiskey barrels, plant 3 trees, a flat of ground cover, spread a yard of mulch, move a composter, empty an overflowing pond, spray 4 gallons of round up......and that's just the stuff I remember.......

 

I'm gonna show you grouch....what's the biggest hill I can find? I don't care if it's pouring...there's gonna be a cache with your name on it SOON.......( that is if the carpenter fixes the leaky front door and gets the drywall in the garage fixed so mice can't come into the garage from the cellar and the landscaper doesn't want to meet to discuss a flagpole light so we're not in violation of flying a flag in the dark and and and)

 

I still remember my vow of "Harmon's Home Trails #1, #2, etc.....

 

You miss me don't ya? ...... I'm still your old gal pal......I'll be back soon....

Jodi dear,

 

Yes, of course I miss you. Naturally that's why I pester you now

and then on these Forum threads.

 

Tell me something, did you actually see John's deployment orders

yourself or did he just tell you he had them? You are some kinda

woman. Reminds me of an old country saying ... having a strong

woman is as good as having a strong mule but they are both the

same amount of trouble.

 

As for me I'm trying to be a front-runner on rejected Geocache

hides. Got another one turned down by that danged Commie

Pinko Reviewer guy ... "Too close to the final location of a

puzzle cache." Grrr, puzzle caches should be outlawed. Worst

thing about this rejection is that it has happened twice for the

same hide and it's Sandy's Geocache. Imagine how I look to

my sweet bride, Mr. Hotshot Geocacher SD Rowdies Man

rejected twice in a row.

 

Hmm, does my little rant hold a candle to the story you were

able to tell about your last few days? Good gosh girl, you must

be caught up in some kind of whirlwind.

 

The part of your troubles that really caught my eye was the part

about "... clean 50 pounds of bird seed out of river rock through

a sifter." Maybe it's just me but that sort of thing doesn't strike

me as entirely ordinary. Any way you could fill me in on the

need for that activity? Here's a tip, next time y' buy fifty pounds

of bird seed ask 'em to put it in a bag.

 

The other things that caught my eye was your sentence that

included the words "... duct tape ... chicken wire ... whiskey

barrels." Right there y' see why I'm attracted to ol' gals like you

and Splashette. Good time t' ask y' ... where th' hale are you from

girl? Lordy, you've got country-gal stickin' out all over you and

that's a good thang.

 

By the way, my photo of that slippery hill you tricked me onto in

Sycamore Canyon now appears on the Google Earth Panoramio

overlay; you know, as one of them tiny blue squares if y' have

the Panoramio check-box checked on Google Earth. After the

photo was posted I received a very complimentary email from

China praising the photo. Go figure.

 

Your elder pal,

Harmon

Edited by SD Rowdies
Link to comment

WE ALL NEED A GOOD LAUGH ONCE A DAY....HERE IS YOURS FOR TODAY.......

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the the Corvette.

He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.

If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard-- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said:

"Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper 0002006E.gif

Edited by SKILLET
Link to comment

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for

her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one

to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the

counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark

shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me

anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if

you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything

from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him

but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite

rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It's a

good all around combination; and it's on sale this week

for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that

just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll

take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops

on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and

accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed,

but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell

it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know

that she was the only person around?

 

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be

$34.50 please.'

 

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale

for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

 

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but

the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is

$3.50

 

0002027E.gifHappy Saint Paddy's day everyone 00020393.gif

Link to comment

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser .

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

 

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Sounds like something some one from Texas (Harmon) would say. 0002031F.gif

Link to comment
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser .

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

 

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Sounds like something some one from Texas (Harmon) would say. 0002031F.gif

:)
Link to comment
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser .

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

 

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Sounds like something some one from Texas (Harmon) would say. 0002031F.gif

:)

Shoot, if that happend in Texas th' poor woman wouldn't understand

what th' redneck was talkin' about.

 

He'd have t' say "Ma'am, y'all mus' be ol' Cooter's widder woman."

Her reply? "Shi-ut, I ain't no widder."

 

Not likely to be Budweiser either.

Edited by SD Rowdies
Link to comment

That's Punny

 

  1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.
  2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
  3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
  4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
  15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Link to comment
That's Punny

 

  1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.
  2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
  3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
  4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
  15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

 

000203A0.gif

Link to comment

That's Punny, Part 2...

 

17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

 

18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

 

19. A backwards poet writes inverse.

 

20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

 

22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

 

24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

 

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.

 

30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

 

31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

 

32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.

 

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Link to comment

*** Volunteers Needed ****

 

I was contacted via SD Geocachers by a Boy Scout leader named John asking for some volunteers.

 

John is looking for someone to do some training on geocaching at two different Boy Scout events. One event is on Saturday, May 8th at a training meeting from 10 a.m to noon. The second event is at a leader's meeting on Thursday, May 27th at 7 p.m. in the east county.

 

If you're interested, contact me and I'll put you in touch with John.

Link to comment

Be Careful What You Wish For

 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

 

"What's yours?"

 

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.

 

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

 

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

 

"Same," says the ostrich.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

 

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

 

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

 

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

397a1d7b-8d84-4e34-8014-4556eadcab2e.jpg

Link to comment

Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet

 

- Home is where you hang your @

 

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

 

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

 

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

 

- Great groups from little icons grow.

 

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

 

- C: is the root of all directories.

 

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

 

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

 

- The modem is the message.

 

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

 

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

 

- A chat has nine lives.

 

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

 

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

 

- What boots up must come down.

 

- Windows will never cease.

 

- In Gates we trust.

 

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

 

- Modulation in all things.

 

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

 

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

 

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

 

- Know what to expect before you connect.

 

- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

 

- Speed thrills.

Link to comment
Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet

 

- Home is where you hang your @

 

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

 

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

 

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

 

- Great groups from little icons grow.

 

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

 

- C: is the root of all directories.

 

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

 

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

 

- The modem is the message.

 

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

 

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

 

- A chat has nine lives.

 

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

 

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

 

- What boots up must come down.

 

- Windows will never cease.

 

- In Gates we trust.

 

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

 

- Modulation in all things.

 

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

 

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

 

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

 

- Know what to expect before you connect.

 

- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

 

- Speed thrills.

 

ththpcstuk.gifcomputer-22.gif

Edited by SKILLET
Link to comment

Nerd Overpopulation

 

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

 

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

 

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

 

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

 

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

 

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

 

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

 

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

 

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

 

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

Link to comment
Nerd Overpopulation

 

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

 

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

 

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

 

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

 

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

 

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

 

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

 

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

 

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

 

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

:rolleyes: Edited by TrailGators
Link to comment
Nerd Overpopulation

 

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

 

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

 

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

 

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

 

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

 

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

 

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

 

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

 

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

 

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

:unsure:

 

60029.gif-_-:o

Link to comment
Nerd Overpopulation

 

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

 

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

 

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

 

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

 

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

 

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

 

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

 

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

 

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

 

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

:unsure:

 

60029.gif-_-:o

The 4 was not made like this, but remember doing this on the TI-30?: 0.1134 and 710.77345?
Link to comment

The Logic of the Great Whites

 

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark, and they swam to the ship.

"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside."

Link to comment
The Logic of the Great Whites

 

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark, and they swam to the ship.

"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside."

crap-1.gif ......Sad.gif

Link to comment

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding....

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

 

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

 

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

Moral of the Story: Don't Mess With Mature Ladies!

Link to comment

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding....

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

 

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

 

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

Moral of the Story: Don't Mess With Mature Ladies!

 

Do you think this would work for Harmon ? 0002031F.gif

Link to comment

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

 

Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

 

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl." The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.

 

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

 

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

 

"Denise," the doctor answers.

 

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name; maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name 'Denise.'"

 

What's the boy's name?"

 

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Link to comment

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

 

Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

 

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl." The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.

 

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

 

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

 

"Denise," the doctor answers.

 

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name; maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name 'Denise.'"

 

What's the boy's name?"

 

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

 

:laughing:

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
×
  • Create New...