Jump to content

San Diego Banter


TrailGators
Followers 22

Recommended Posts

The only cow in a small town in Tennessee stopped giving milk.

 

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Michigan , for $200.00.

 

They bought the cow from Michigan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

 

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and

produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again..

 

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their

beloved cow.

 

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

 

They told the Vet what was happening.

 

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the

other side."

 

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did

you buy this cow in Michigan ?"

 

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did

you know we got the cow in Michigan ?"

 

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife

is from Michigan ."

 

0002031F.gif

 

Link to comment
The only cow in a small town in Tennessee stopped giving milk.

 

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Michigan , for $200.00.

 

They bought the cow from Michigan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

 

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and

produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again..

 

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their

beloved cow.

 

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

 

They told the Vet what was happening.

 

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the

other side."

 

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did

you buy this cow in Michigan ?"

 

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did

you know we got the cow in Michigan ?"

 

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife

is from Michigan ."

 

0002031F.gif

 

:D
Link to comment

Husband banned from Target

 

After Harold retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday Harold's wife received the following letter from their local Target.

 

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10. September 2: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

 

And last, but not least:

 

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Link to comment

WATCH OUT FOR THIS SCAM

 

A 'heads up' for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

 

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking

20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your car, They both start wiping your windshield with a

rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to

McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.

 

On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,

17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, July 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, 16th,

23rd, 26th, 30th, August 6th, 11th, 14th, three times last Saturday

and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

 

So tell your friends to be careful.

 

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each 00020414.gif

 

Link to comment
WATCH OUT FOR THIS SCAM

 

A 'heads up' for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

 

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking

20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your car, They both start wiping your windshield with a

rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to

McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.

 

On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,

17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, July 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, 16th,

23rd, 26th, 30th, August 6th, 11th, 14th, three times last Saturday

and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

 

So tell your friends to be careful.

 

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each 00020414.gif

 

:D<_<:o:anibad:
Link to comment

WATCH OUT FOR THIS SCAM

 

A 'heads up' for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

 

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking

20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your car, They both start wiping your windshield with a

rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to

McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.

 

On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,

17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, July 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, 16th,

23rd, 26th, 30th, August 6th, 11th, 14th, three times last Saturday

and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

 

So tell your friends to be careful.

 

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each 00020414.gif

 

I suggest you set your alarm clocks for November 1 (or thereabouts) when the movie Splinterheads is due to be released. You will see a variation of this particular scam in action with a happy ending (assuming you don't walk out of the movie before the ending -- it is a verrrrrry bad movie with only two redeeming virtues -- Rachael Taylor as "Galaxy" and the prominent and rather accurate subplot of Geocaching....)

Link to comment

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipped cream I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

0002031F.gif

Link to comment

Hiring Guidelines

 

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

 

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

 

Leave them alone, come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

 

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them on strategic planning.

 

And last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management

Link to comment

Harmon, an almost 75 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Harmon walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Harmon and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Harmon replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

0002020B.gif

 

Link to comment

Harmon, an almost 75 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Harmon walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Harmon and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Harmon replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

0002020B.gif

 

Why I oughta ... but actually, as far as hot mommas go

y' just can't beat an ex-nun. O yeah, thanks a lot fella,

here I go again into the Valley of the Fallen Appliances.

Edited by SD Rowdies
Link to comment

Wine and Water

 

 

To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine..and those who don't.

 

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

 

In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

 

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

 

However, we do NOT run that risk when Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 

Remember:

Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

 

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of s***.

 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

Link to comment

Wine and Water

 

 

To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine..and those who don't.

 

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

 

In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

 

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

 

However, we do NOT run that risk when Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 

Remember:

Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

 

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of s***.

 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

 

I can help you prove this theory...

Link to comment

A sweet Old man telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. He timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

 

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Sir. What's the name and

room number of the patient?"

 

The Old man in his weak, tremulous voice said, "S.D Rowdies", Room 302."

 

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

 

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. His nurse just told me that S.D. Rowdies is doing well. His blood pressure is fine; his blood work just came back normal and his physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled him to be discharged tomorrow."

 

The Old man said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

 

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is S.D.Rowdies your son?"

 

The Old man said, "No, I'm S.D.Rowdies in Room 302.

No one tells me sh!?." (crap )(I mean he is married to an x- nun)

 

 

000202BD.gif

Link to comment

A sweet Old man telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. He timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

 

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Sir. What's the name and

room number of the patient?"

 

The Old man in his weak, tremulous voice said, "S.D Rowdies", Room 302."

 

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

 

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. His nurse just told me that S.D. Rowdies is doing well. His blood pressure is fine; his blood work just came back normal and his physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled him to be discharged tomorrow."

 

The Old man said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

 

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is S.D.Rowdies your son?"

 

The Old man said, "No, I'm S.D.Rowdies in Room 302.

No one tells me sh!?." (crap )(I mean he is married to an x- nun)

 

 

000202BD.gif

Say, that's th' story of my life. How did you know?

 

Funny you should mention St. Joseph ... Sandy and I have experienced two

surprising events in the last year that involved St. Joseph.

Link to comment

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, . SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

 

 

MY NAME IS ALICE AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

 

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED KAU HIGH SCHOOL .'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A TROJAN,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

 

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1979. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

 

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, LARD-BOTTOM, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT OLD MAN ASKED..........

 

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

 

00020414.gif Sounds like something Harmon would say

..

Edited by SKILLET
Link to comment
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, . SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

 

 

MY NAME IS ALICE AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

 

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED KAU HIGH SCHOOL .'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A TROJAN,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

 

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1979. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

 

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, LARD-BOTTOM, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT OLD MAN ASKED..........

 

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

 

00020414.gif Sounds like something Harmon would say

..

That was a good one! :D
Link to comment

Halloween Ghost Story!! This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

 

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

 

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

 

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the

other....

 

'Look Paddy....there' s that bloomin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!! 000202BD.gif

Link to comment

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

 

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

 

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

 

The conversation went like this...

 

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

 

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

 

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

 

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

 

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

Link to comment

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed...

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

Link to comment
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed...

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

OK, I think I got the concept, but I am now wondering what kind of friend would pour beer into the sand...?

 

:(

 

(Where I come from, that would be called "alcohol abuse"...)

Edited by Let's Look Over Thayer
Link to comment
OK, I think I got the concept, but I am now wondering what kind of friend would pour beer into the sand...? :blink: (Where I come from, that would be called "alcohol abuse"...)
:blink: But if it was skunky beer then that would be a true friend because he would have saved you from drinking it! :blink:

OK, point taken. The same would be true if it were Budmillcoorlobweiser...(though technically, that might not qualify as "beer")

Link to comment
OK, I think I got the concept, but I am now wondering what kind of friend would pour beer into the sand...? :blink: (Where I come from, that would be called "alcohol abuse"...)
:blink: But if it was skunky beer then that would be a true friend because he would have saved you from drinking it! :blink:

OK, point taken. The same would be true if it were Budmillcoorlobweiser...(though technically, that might not qualify as "beer")

 

00020405.gif

Link to comment
OK, I think I got the concept, but I am now wondering what kind of friend would pour beer into the sand...? :blink: (Where I come from, that would be called "alcohol abuse"...)
:blink: But if it was skunky beer then that would be a true friend because he would have saved you from drinking it! :blink:

OK, point taken. The same would be true if it were Budmillcoorlobweiser...(though technically, that might not qualify as "beer")

That sounds like a blended (and awful) beer. I prefer single malt for beer and scotch. Anyhow, I think we've completely forgotten the point. I need to go find some golf balls and a jar. :angry:
Link to comment

Woman has Man in it;

 

Mrs. has Mr. in it;

 

Female has Male in it;

 

She has He in it;

 

Madam has Adam in it;

 

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

 

I never looked at it this way before:

 

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

 

MENtal illness

 

MENstrual cramps

 

MENtal breakdown

 

MENopause

 

GUY necologist

 

AND ...

 

When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

 

Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old,

You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing

0002031F.gif

Link to comment
Woman has Man in it;

 

Mrs. has Mr. in it;

 

Female has Male in it;

 

She has He in it;

 

Madam has Adam in it;

 

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

 

I never looked at it this way before:

 

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

 

MENtal illness

 

MENstrual cramps

 

MENtal breakdown

 

MENopause

 

GUY necologist

 

AND ...

 

When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

 

Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old,

You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing

0002031F.gif

We both must be pretty young Skillet because we laugh all the time! :rolleyes: Edited by TrailGators
Link to comment

>> FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE

>> IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

>>

>> 1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

>>

>> 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

>>

>> 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

>>

>> 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS

>> AND APES?

>>

>> 5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL

> THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

>>

>> 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-

> HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

>>

>> 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

>>

>> 8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS

>> WITH SOAP?

>>

>> 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS

>> IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

>>

>> 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

>>

>> 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

>>

>> 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN

>> ENDANGERED PLANT?

>>

>> 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

>>

>> 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

>>

>> 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE

> WILL CLEAN THEM?

>>

>> 16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

>>

>> 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

>>

>> 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO

>> REMAIN SILENT?

>>

>> 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

>>

>> 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD

> SIGNS?

>>

>> 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

>>

>> 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

>>

>> 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

>>

>> 24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

>>

>> 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

>>

>> 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

>>

>> 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

>>

>> 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

>>

>> 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

>>

>> 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

>>

>> 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

>>

>> 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

>>

>> 33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

>>

Link to comment

TRUE STORY FROM...

"THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER"

IN HOUSTON , TEXAS

MARCH 5th, 2009

~

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested,

Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back

As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. ~

The Following Monday Morning,

The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In,

And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop

For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work.

I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol,

That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.

All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.

As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man

Running Away From Me With My Purse.

I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly

Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud,

"No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."

~ I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol

At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse,

And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

~

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge,

"Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

~

The Woman Replied Under Oath,

"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

~

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control....

0002031F.gif

Link to comment

TRUE STORY FROM...

"THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER"

IN HOUSTON , TEXAS

MARCH 5th, 2009

~

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested,

Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back

As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. ~

The Following Monday Morning,

The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In,

And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop

For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work.

I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol,

That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.

All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.

As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man

Running Away From Me With My Purse.

I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly

Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud,

"No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."

~ I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol

At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse,

And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

~

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge,

"Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

~

The Woman Replied Under Oath,

"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

~

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control....

0002031F.gif

:D
Link to comment

TWENTY DOLLARS

 

On their wedding night, the young bride

Approached her new husband and asked

For $20.00 for their first lovemaking

Encounter.. In his highly aroused state,

Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made

Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a

Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that

She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was

Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that

His employer was going through a process of corporate

Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find

Another position that paid anywhere near what

He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which

Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling

Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued

By the bank which were worth over $2 million,

And informed him that they

Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than

Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,

These holdings had multiplied and these were the

Results of her savings and investments.

 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments

Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could

Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,

I would have given you all my business!' OOPS

 

That's when she shot him.

 

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when

To keep their mouths shut

Link to comment

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

 

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

 

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

0002031F.gif

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

 

' Yes,' the class said.

 

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

 

A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

000201DD.gif

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Followers 22
×
×
  • Create New...