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San Diego Banter


TrailGators
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Got this off the Socal web site000201DD.gif

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier. 0002011B.gif 0002020F.gif

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Got this off the Socal web site000201DD.gif

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier. 0002011B.gif 0002020F.gif

 

Does it apply to married men too??? :D:D:D

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Got this off the Socal web site000201DD.gif

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier. 0002011B.gif 0002020F.gif

 

 

:D:D:D
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You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
“We know from the Bible that the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem and gave the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Now, gold is always a nice gift, but frankincense and myrrh—at least according to my dictionary —are gum resins. Who gives gum resins to a baby?

 

The answer is: men. The Wise Men, being men, didn’t even start shopping for gifts until the last minute, when most of the stores in the greater Bethlehem area were closed for Christmas Eve. The only place still open was Big Stu’s House of Myrrh."

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You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
“We know from the Bible that the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem and gave the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Now, gold is always a nice gift, but frankincense and myrrh—at least according to my dictionary —are gum resins. Who gives gum resins to a baby?

 

The answer is: men. The Wise Men, being men, didn’t even start shopping for gifts until the last minute, when most of the stores in the greater Bethlehem area were closed for Christmas Eve. The only place still open was Big Stu’s House of Myrrh."

 

Funny. And I guess the Wise Man who gave the gold was the one who just said, "Ah heck, here is a $20 spot."

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California Telephone Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

 

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa." 0002020A.gif

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California Telephone Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

 

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa." 0002020A.gif

 

 

 

Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

 

I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

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California Telephone Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

 

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa." 0002020A.gif

 

 

 

Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

 

I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

Carne Asada!

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IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

STAY ALERT

They walk and drive among us.... 0002016C.gif

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IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

STAY ALERT

They walk and drive among us.... 0002016C.gif

Tony Hughes: I see stupid people.

 

Bruce Willis: In your dreams?

 

[Tony shakes his head 'no']

 

Bruce Willis: While you're awake?

 

[Tony shakes his head 'yes']

 

Bruce Willis: Stupid people like, really dumb? Idiots?

 

Tony Hughes: Walking around like regular people. They don't see sense. They only see what they want to see. They don't know they're stupid.

 

Bruce Willis: How often do you see them?

 

Tony Hughes: All the time. They're everywhere.

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California Telephone Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

 

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa." 0002020A.gif

 

 

That was really funny! :rolleyes:
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You HAVE to check this out right NOW!! It's crazy!

 

Check your Driver's License I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please Remove'. This will remove it from public viewing,but not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can protect > themselves, too. Believe me they will thank you for it!

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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in,” says the man.“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven; then you can choose where to spend eternity.” “Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator. “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven; now choose your eternity.” The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.” So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage and a horrible fire consuming everything. Everyone is crying out in pain; the suffering is horrible. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. All the time there is hideous screaming and cursing.

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and fire and torture… and my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning… today you voted.”

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You HAVE to check this out right NOW!! It's crazy!

 

Check your Driver's License I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please Remove'. This will remove it from public viewing,but not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can protect > themselves, too. Believe me they will thank you for it!

Hmm, wonder what they are doing with the data they collect? ... name, State, and City.

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You HAVE to check this out right NOW!! It's crazy!

 

Check your Driver's License I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please Remove'. This will remove it from public viewing,but not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can protect > themselves, too. Believe me they will thank you for it!

Hmm, wonder what they are doing with the data they collect? ... name, State, and City.

They could just open any phone book and get more info than that from hundreds of thousands of people. :lol:

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You HAVE to check this out right NOW!! It's crazy!

 

Check your Driver's License I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please Remove'. This will remove it from public viewing,but not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can protect > themselves, too. Believe me they will thank you for it!

Hmm, wonder what they are doing with the data they collect? ... name, State, and City.

They could just open any phone book and get more info than that from hundreds of thousands of people. :lol:

Yep. So did you remove yourself from the list? :wub: Edited by TrailGators
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You HAVE to check this out right NOW!! It's crazy!

 

Check your Driver's License I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please Remove'. This will remove it from public viewing,but not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can protect > themselves, too. Believe me they will thank you for it!

Hmm, wonder what they are doing with the data they collect? ... name, State, and City.

They could just open any phone book and get more info than that from hundreds of thousands of people. :wub:

Yep. So did you remove your self from the list? :lol:

 

Sadly, they got my sex right. :wub:

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You HAVE to check this out right NOW!! It's crazy!

 

Check your Driver's License I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please Remove'. This will remove it from public viewing,but not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can protect > themselves, too. Believe me they will thank you for it!

 

000201E4.gif The picture looks different though.

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You HAVE to check this out right NOW!! It's crazy!

 

Check your Driver's License I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please Remove'. This will remove it from public viewing,but not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can protect > themselves, too. Believe me they will thank you for it!

 

000201E4.gif The picture looks different though.

 

:) THE PICTURE DIDN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE ME. :lol:

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New Element Discovered

 

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

 

The new element has beeen named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 199 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more common morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

 

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred as to Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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New Element Discovered

 

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

 

The new element has beeen named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 199 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more common morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

 

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred as to Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

 

Did they find this new ELEMENT in the ABDSP by any chance.?? 00020205.gif

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New Element Discovered

 

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

 

The new element has beeen named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 199 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more common morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

 

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred as to Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Did they find this new ELEMENT in the ABDSP by any chance.?? 00020205.gif

 

:laughing::laughing:
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:drama: ;);):):D:D:blink::lol::huh::):D:drama:;):P:D:D:D

Last week, I bought a brand new Chevy Silverado (you know. . . . ..

the truck Howie Long always advertises). Well, I returned it to the

dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

 

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated: 'Nelson'

the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

 

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, ' Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind'

replaced Willie Nelson.

 

I drove away happy as a clam at high tide. Every time I say,

'Beethoven,' I get beautiful classical music, and if I say, 'Beatles,'

I get one of their awesome songs.

 

Today, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved

in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'a** Holes!' Immediately the French

National Anthem began to play on the radio, sung by Jane Fonda and

Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks,

with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica ,

Nancy Pelosi on tambourine , Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax

and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

dadgum...... I LOVE this truck!

________________________________

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;):P:D:DB)B)B)B)B)B)B)B)B)B)B)

Last week, I bought a brand new Chevy Silverado (you know. . . . ..

the truck Howie Long always advertises). Well, I returned it to the

dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

 

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated: 'Nelson'

the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

 

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, ' Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind'

replaced Willie Nelson.

 

I drove away happy as a clam at high tide. Every time I say,

'Beethoven,' I get beautiful classical music, and if I say, 'Beatles,'

I get one of their awesome songs.

 

Today, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved

in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'a** Holes!' Immediately the French

National Anthem began to play on the radio, sung by Jane Fonda and

Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks,

with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica ,

Nancy Pelosi on tambourine , Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax

and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

dadgum...... I LOVE this truck!

________________________________ [/b]

 

:unsure::lol::lol:;)
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[/size] :lol::P:D:D:lol:;)B)B)B)B)B)B)B)B)B)

Last week, I bought a brand new Chevy Silverado (you know. . . . ..

the truck Howie Long always advertises). Well, I returned it to the

dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

 

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated: 'Nelson'

the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

 

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, ' Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind'

replaced Willie Nelson.

 

I drove away happy as a clam at high tide. Every time I say,

'Beethoven,' I get beautiful classical music, and if I say, 'Beatles,'

I get one of their awesome songs.

 

Today, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved

in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'a** Holes!' Immediately the French

National Anthem began to play on the radio, sung by Jane Fonda and

Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks,

with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica ,

Nancy Pelosi on tambourine , Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax

and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

dadgum...... I LOVE this truck!

________________________________ [/b]

 

B)B):unsure:;)

 

00020148.gif

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A gal at my work sent this one to me: :)

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

 

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

 

Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

 

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh s***.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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A gal at my work sent this one to me: :)

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

 

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

 

Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

 

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh s***.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

00020148.gif

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Ponder this

 

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

5. There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

 

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

000201DD.gif 000201E4.gif

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Ponder this

 

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

5. There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

 

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

000201DD.gif 000201E4.gif

 

LOL! Number 3 was my favorite! <_< Edited by TrailGators
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his

first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known

you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big

disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you

manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think

you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never

will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I

 

know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed

across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense

attorney?"

 

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he

was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking

problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law

practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he

cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your

wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very

quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows

me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Link to comment
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his

first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known

you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big

disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you

manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think

you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never

will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I

 

know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed

across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense

attorney?"

 

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he

was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking

problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law

practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he

cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your

wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very

quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows

me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

:anibad:
Link to comment
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his

first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known

you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big

disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you

manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think

you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never

will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I

 

know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed

across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense

attorney?"

 

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he

was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking

problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law

practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he

cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your

wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very

quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows

me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

000201EA.gif 00020148.gif

Link to comment

ESTATE PLANNING

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men. 0002014D.gif 00020190.gif

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ESTATE PLANNING

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men. 0002014D.gif 00020190.gif

Ouch! :)
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Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

 

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

 

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

 

So, that's what they decided to do.

 

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

 

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

 

But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

 

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

 

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

 

'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'

 

'Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got'

 

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 bac k when I got

only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

 

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

 

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

 

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

 

And that is how our tax system works.

Link to comment
Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

 

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

 

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

 

So, that's what they decided to do.

 

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

 

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

 

But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

 

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

 

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

 

'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'

 

'Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got'

 

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 bac k when I got

only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

 

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

 

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

 

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

 

And that is how our tax system works.

 

That was great! <_<:)
Link to comment

We are in trouble...

 

 

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

 

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

 

 

There are 85 million in school.

 

 

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

 

 

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

 

 

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

 

 

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama

Bin-Laden.

 

 

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

 

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

 

 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

 

 

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

 

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

 

 

And there you are,

 

Sitting on your a**,

 

At your computer, reading jokes.

00020148.gif

 

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We are in trouble...

 

 

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

 

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

 

 

There are 85 million in school.

 

 

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

 

 

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

 

 

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

 

 

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama

Bin-Laden.

 

 

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

 

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

 

 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

 

 

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

 

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

 

 

And there you are,

 

Sitting on your a**,

 

At your computer, reading jokes.

00020148.gif

 

;)<_<
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Please don't be offened, it's just a joke. (and don't check coords)

 

The Republican Fisherman:

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him; an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 32 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 116 degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude."

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

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Please don't be offened, it's just a joke. (and don't check coords)

 

The Republican Fisherman:

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him; an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 32 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 116 degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude."

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

ROFLMAO! :laughing::o:D:D
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Please don't be offended, it's just a joke. (and don't check coords)

 

The Republican Fisherman:

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him; an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 32 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 116 degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude."

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

 

 

How can some one be offended by the truth. 0002005F.gif

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Please don't be offened, it's just a joke. (and don't check coords)

 

The Republican Fisherman:

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him; an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 32 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 116 degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude."

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Question: Why is there a Republican sitting in a boat just outside of a baseball diamond off of Harbison Canyon Road?

 

Answer: It seemed like a good idea at the time but now that he's there, he can't leave the boat because doing so would give aid and comfort to the terrorists.

 

:o:laughing::D

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Please don't be offened, it's just a joke. (and don't check coords)

 

The Republican Fisherman:

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him; an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 32 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 116 degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude."

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Question: Why is there a Republican sitting in a boat just outside of a baseball diamond off of Harbison Canyon Road?

 

Answer: It seemed like a good idea at the time but now that he's there, he can't leave the boat because doing so would give aid and comfort to the terrorists.

 

:o:D:D

 

:laughing:

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