San Diego Banter

[+TrailGators]

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are walking in the street when they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

 

"I am entering," said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how was it?"

 

" First Place ", said Snow White.

 

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

 

"I'm entering," says Superman and after half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How was it?"

 

" First Place ," answers Superman.

 

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked,

"Who IS this Obama guy anyway?" asked Pinocchio.

 

 

[+SKILLET]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

 

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

 

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

 

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

 

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.

 

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A

SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Edited November 1, 2008 by SKILLET

[+SD Rowdies]

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

Tell me about it ...

 

 

Look what happened to our master bathroom this past week,

Edited November 2, 2008 by SD Rowdies

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

Tell me about it ...

 

 

Look what happened to our master bathroom this past week,

Wow! It looks like it has everything one could want...

• Vanity Seats
  
• Electric toothbrush (next to the near vanity seat)
  
• Electric exfoliator (next to the far vanity seat)
  
• Hi-suction bidet on wheels
  
• Bucket in the corner for basic needs
  

Maybe when you are done there, you can come fix up our bathroom. (I'm sure Ms. LLOT would be thrilled...)

[+TrailGators]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

 

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

 

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

[+SKILLET]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

 

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

 

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

 

 

Are you referring to Blonds run amuck Barb or lori

[+Toby's Gang]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

 

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

 

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

 

 

Good one. I love sharing blonde jokes with my wife

[+SKILLET]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

 

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

 

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

 

'What in bag?' asked the old woman .

 

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

 

'Good trade.....

[+TrailGators]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

 

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

 

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

 

'What in bag?' asked the old woman .

 

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

 

'Good trade.....

[+CaverScott]

I will be in Carlsbad Monday and Tuesday, December 1st and 2nd. I am bringing about 10 trackables. If you have any trackables that need a quick jump to Birmingham, Alabama. Perhaps we can meet (Marriott) or you can drop them in GC1EF29 by Monday. Feel free to email me via GC. CaverScott

[+ThePolarBear]

I know, I'm pushing my luck here, but these are good...

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[+lulu499]

I know, I'm pushing my luck here, but these are good...

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

Ooohh my, Patrick!!!

[+SKILLET]

I know, I'm pushing my luck here, but these are good...

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

Yes dear

[+TrailGators]

I know, I'm pushing my luck here, but these are good...

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

Yes dear

 

If I laugh my wife will not be happy with me.

But then again, no matter what I do my wife will not be happy with me.

Maybe she'll trade me in for a bottle of wine.

 

P.S. The wedding cake one was my favorite...

Edited November 26, 2008 by TrailGators

[+TrailGators]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my

way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

 

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer t he call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

 

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!' I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[+ThePolarBear]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns:

 

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

 

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 

Sincerely, Sheila

 

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

 

I hope this helps.

 

-Walter

[+TrailGators]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns:

 

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

 

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 

Sincerely, Sheila

 

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

 

I hope this helps.

 

-Walter

I've also seen a bad fuel filter cause this problem. Edited December 5, 2008 by TrailGators

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns:

 

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

 

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 

Sincerely, Sheila

 

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

 

I hope this helps.

 

-Walter

Yes, and...

 

I don't get it. Perhaps the punch line was cut off...?

 

( )

[+SKILLET]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns:

 

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

 

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 

Sincerely, Sheila

 

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

 

I hope this helps.

 

-Walter

Yes, and...

 

I don't get it. Perhaps the punch line was cut off...?

 

( )

 

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns:

[+SKILLET]

OPPS double post

Edited December 5, 2008 by SKILLET

[+Snake & Rooster]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

 

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

 

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

Some lions mate over 50 time s a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

 

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.....)

 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

 

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

 

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

 

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)

 

Starfish have no brains

 

(I know some people like that too.)

 

Polar bears are left-handed.

 

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

 

(What about that pig??)

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

OK, so when the male praying mantis's head gets ripped off, how far does the blood squirt? (OK, technically, insects have hemolymph instead of blood but...)

 

And, how long does the orgasm last?

 

[+TrailGators]

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

OK, so when the male praying mantis's head gets ripped off, how far does the blood squirt? (OK, technically, insects have hemolymph instead of blood but...)

 

And, how long does the orgasm last?

 

We need some new pills called Pigagra. Imagine what all those commercials would be like.

[+SKILLET]

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

OK, so when the male praying mantis's head gets ripped off, how far does the blood squirt? (OK, technically, insects have hemolymph instead of blood but...)

 

And, how long does the orgasm last?

 

We need some new pills called Pigagra. Imagine what all those commercials would be like.

 

[+ThePolarBear]

 

Polar bears are left-handed.

 

 

Not true... makes me wonder who paid for this research...

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

Polar bears are left-handed.

Not true... makes me wonder who paid for this research...

That was a mis-translation. What the research actually said was that "Polar Bears are sinister."

[+SKILLET]

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew

beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual

usage, and no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued.

Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for

leaks or problems:

the water meter, outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground

pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker, etc., all to no avail.

 

One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept

hearing water running downstairs. He finally got out of his sick bed to

investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of the bills. Apparently this was

happening all day long when they were not at home.

 

Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of

the 'problem' for posterity:

 

The Problem: check here

 

[+TrailGators]

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew

beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual

usage, and no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued.

Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for

leaks or problems:

the water meter, outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground

pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker, etc., all to no avail.

 

One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept

hearing water running downstairs. He finally got out of his sick bed to

investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of the bills. Apparently this was

happening all day long when they were not at home.

 

Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of

the 'problem' for posterity:

 

The Problem: check here

 

[+FlagMan]

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew

beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual

usage, and no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued.

Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for

leaks or problems:

the water meter, outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground

pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker, etc., all to no avail.

 

One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept

hearing water running downstairs. He finally got out of his sick bed to

investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of the bills. Apparently this was

happening all day long when they were not at home.

 

Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of

the 'problem' for posterity:

 

The Problem: check here

 

Believe it or not, that's my brother's cat, Gizmo!! For real!!

[+SKILLET]

Christmas Story - for anyone having a bad day....

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

 

,,,,,,,, And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[+TrailGators]

Christmas Story - for anyone having a bad day....

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

 

,,,,,,,, And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

 

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

I know, I'm pushing my luck here, but these are good...

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Beware of the Doghouse!

 

You have been warned!

 

[+TrailGators]

Beware of the Doghouse!

 

You have been warned!

 

Too late. I've already been there and I know many of those guys down there... Edited December 10, 2008 by TrailGators

[+Toby's Gang]

I know, I'm pushing my luck here, but these are good...

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Beware of the Doghouse!

 

You have been warned!

 

Darn! And I had such a good idea for a gift too. Now I'll have to start all over.

[+SKILLET]

[+SD Rowdies]

Another citizen for the "Some-sex Marriage" proposition?

Edited December 17, 2008 by SD Rowdies

[+TrailGators]

Another citizen for the "Some-sex Marriage" proposition?

[+SKILLET]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

 

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

 

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

 

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!' (True Story)

 

I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people.

 

[+TrailGators]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

 

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

 

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

 

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!' (True Story)

 

I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people.

 

 

Ha ha ha! Good one!

[+SKILLET]

Good for a laugh - don't miss the last line!

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

 

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooti ng at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Alice

[+SKILLET]

OOPS double post

Edited January 9, 2009 by SKILLET

[+TrailGators]

Good for a laugh - don't miss the last line!

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

 

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooti ng at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Alice

[halftrack guy]

Good for a laugh - don't miss the last line!

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

 

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooti ng at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Alice

 

Now THAT'S funny!

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

FTF up for grabs...?

 

[+SKILLET]

FTF up for grabs...?

 

 

You have to watch it with those FTF'rs They stop for nothing.

 

There's a FTF to find .

[+Let's Look Over Thayer]

Those of you who have been caching in Noble Canyon will appreciate this...

 

[+FlagMan]

Those of you who have been caching in Noble Canyon will appreciate this...

 

Wow!!! That was amazing!! Didn't see the poor little dead deer that lulu and I found on that trail recently...

[halftrack guy]

 

Here is a joke my instructor told my class today, hope you enjoy it:

 

One sunday at a local church, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to praise God for. Janice stood up ad thanked God that her husband, James, was now back from the hospital and recovering well. She hadn't told many people about it, so she decided to tell the congregation now.

 

"We had been moving into our new house one day, and Jimmy needed help moving our old piano. Well, he and our neighbor were carrying it down the stairs when Jimmy slipped, and the piano landed on him. When we got to the emergency room, the doctors said his scrotum was terribly damaged, and they weren't sure if they could save it. Well, after a very long surgery, they told me they had been able to piece it back together, and that it would be back to new in a few weeks. At first, Jimmy was in terrible pain, he couldn't talk or even open his eyes. It was awful. But, with some medication and therapy, he was back to himself again and just as happy as ever. Thank God that he is better, now."

 

With that, Janice sat down and her husband stood up. He tried to speak, but the auditorium thundered into applause at his apparent recovery. He blushed and looked at his feet. Finally, when it grew quiet again, the pastor asked him what he wanted to say. Jimmy looked up, clenched his jaw, and muttered these words through his teeth: "Thank you very much. But, I must correct my wife ... the word is sternum."

[+SD Rowdies]

H-E-L-L-L-P!

 

I'm being held captive by an ex-nun.

[+Ramona Retired Snipe]

H-E-L-L-L-P!

 

I'm being held captive by an ex-nun.

 

Why does the movie misery immediately come to mind ??????

 

Captive... what are the co-ordinates?