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Purple Fever

Actual Hiker Comments - Humor

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Maybe some of you have seen some of these before, but I thought if anyone, this crowd would get a kick out of it... feel free to add some of your own! :

 

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Actual Hiker Comments

 

These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service

registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing

wilderness camping trips:

 

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is

there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

 

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

 

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service

needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number

of visitors to wilderness."

 

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

 

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking

sticks are more likely to chase animals."

 

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

 

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

 

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails

that go uphill."

 

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please

spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

 

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the

winter."

 

"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to

wonderful views without having to hike to them."

 

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.

Please eradicate these annoying animals."

 

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people

can hike at night with flashlights."

 

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

 

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."

 

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

 

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

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Thanks Purple Fever, this reminds me of my years in Banff. People would ask questions such as:

 

"How much does that mountain weigh?" (Reponse: "With or without the trees?")

 

"Is that snow on the top?" (Response: "No, we paint that on for the effect.")

 

"How do we see bears?" (Response: "Just go out into the woods with a bucket of KFC.")

 

"Are those real mountain goats?" (Response: "Actually, they're sheep but we just glue the horns on.")

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lol its funny how daft people can be. give them the stupid stamp on the forehead and quarentine them to the city. B)

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Some more Banff ones - reputably true questions asked by visitors to Parks Canada Information:

 

1 How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

2 At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3 Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: "Elk" Tourist: "Oh"

4 Are the bears with collars tame?

5 Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6 Is it okay to keep an open packet of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

7 Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8 I saw an animal on the way to Banff today . Could you tell me what it was?

9 Are there birds in Canada?

10 Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11 Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12 Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13 Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

14 If I go to British Columbia, do I have to go through Ontario?

15 Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

16 How far is Banff from Canada?

17 What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

18 Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19 When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

20 Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?

21 Are there phones in Banff?

22 So it's eight kilometres away...is that in miles?

23 We're on the decibel system you know.

24 Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25 Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?

26 Where do you put the animals at night?

27 Don't you Canadians know anything?

28 Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom". Tourist: "Oh!"

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My personal favourite, "Does the Canada flag come in any other colours?"

Oops, that should say 'colors', their American after all.

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Just shows you how diluted (or empty) the gene pool is in America!!

 

LOL

 

:)

 

"Bassmedic"

 

(speling eror)

Edited by Bassmedic

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no word of a lie when Admiral Byrd and i went to california with the A&SHofC (Argylls) i had a woman convinced that we all drive ski-doos to work and the people on welfare (i had to resort to calling it "social assistance" for her) still used dog teams. she honestly believed me until i started laughing (should of just walked away). but my most memorable experience of that trip was a marine saying, after we (argyll pipe and drum band), drank 2 taps of promo american "scottish" beer dry. "MAN!, Y'ALL CANADIANS CAN DRINK!!!!"

lol yanks are funny

 

nothingface

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Quite some time ago, when music was still on vinyl, a friend and I were in Florida during the winter months at home. While at a bar, a new song started playing, my friend asked who it was, a girl responded that it was a new release for a certain band. We replied that we would have to watch for it in the spring, she of course wondered why we would have to wait. We reminded her of the weather conditions at home and explained that records could not be shipped during cold weather because the vinyl gets brittle and breaks, so in Canada we always get new music in the spring, she actually felt bad for us. Set the hook!!

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We Lived in Jasper about 15 years ago, while pushing the baby buggy downtown we had a couple pull up beside us and ask 'Where the animals in town were kept at night?' :D

I was told about this one,

A park ranger went down to the toe of the Athabasca galacier, part of the Columbia Ice Field. He noticed a tourist chipping away at the ice with an axe.

He asked what the tourist was doing, Answer, taking some ice back home with me.

The Ranger pointed out that 1) the tourist was defacing the park and 2) the ice would melt before it arrived home.

The explination, the tourist was just up in the interprative centre and was told that the Ice Field has been here thousands of years, the ice would last the 7 days it was going to take to get home. :o

 

Spelling edit

Edited by bcrockcrawler

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I would like to make a confession here...I LIE TO VISITORS TO CANADA FROM OTHER COUNTRIES!!!...OK, here's how it started. I told a British Servicemember in July that we were going to have an early winter...This was proven by a "wooly bear" caterpillar inching by. Never having seen such an insect before, I informed him it was an earthworm, and it had already gotten it's winter coat in. His reply contained expletives describing my homeland I am not comfortable putting into writing.

 

I also may have told visiting Americans to beware of the moose in Alberta. Unlike anywhere else in the world, moose were the top of the food chain here. I went on to explain that when moose are particularly hungry, they will seek out grizzly bears in their winter dens, drag them out and eat them. To which the young American female replied "That's true!!! I saw that on the Discovery Channel!!!"

 

I may have mentioned to a member of the German military to be on the lookout during the winter months for our northern reptiles. You see when the extreme cold weather drives all the mammals into their annual migration south, it causes our northern reptiles to follow the food source. As such you should always be watching for the infamous Canadian Snow Snakes, and the Northern Alberta Alligator.

:rolleyes: Both can be easily identified by their white scaly skin, but the snow snakes in particular can be located by the holes they make in the snow. As they must keep their body heat above freezing, they generate a warm yellowish liquid slime which is exuded from their skin. So snow snake holes are evident by the yellowish tinge of the snow around where the holes they make. (It should be noted that I may make some "snow snake holes" all on my own before telling this story. This is accomplished about one hour after I have consumed 2 large double double Tim Horton's Coffees).

Edited by Tattooed Superstar

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Speaking of Timmie's and on the topic of stupid questions, years and years ago (when they used to do this) my husband was asked why there was a poster of a hockey player in all the Tim Horton's stores.

 

Well, duh.....

 

Maisoui

:0)

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I also may have told visiting Americans to beware of the moose in Alberta. Unlike anywhere else in the world, moose were the top of the food chain here. I went on to explain that when moose are particularly hungry, they will seek out grizzly bears in their winter dens, drag them out and eat them. To which the young American female replied "That's true!!! I saw that on the Discovery Channel!!!"

 

You, sir, are an evil, evil man. :(

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When I was younger, I used to own two ferrets and I often took them everywhere with me, as they loved to travel in my shoulder bag. They were friendly and fearless, and Jhereg, the older male, would even stand beside me on his leash, at the dotted safety line when the Metro went whizzing by and wasn't even spooked!

 

I was in downtown Montreal, on Ste. Catherine Street near Peel, one of the busiest intersections in downtown. I had just picked up a strawberry shake from McDonald's, since it was rather hot, and was sharing some with my ferrets, by dipping the straw in and then lifting it out and letting a little dribble out at a time for them -- they loved it as a very special treat!

 

Anyways, here I am sitting on a giant concrete border/flowerpot, in front of the Royal Bank, watching the crowds go by and of course, many would stop to admire my ferrets, most having never seen one in person.

 

However, one of your stereotypical American tourists, complete with loud tourist shirt, bermuda shorts, sandals with knee-high socks and, get this, a cowboy hat, comes up and is absolutely fascinated and finally asks, in a Southern drawl: "Is that a beaver? I didn't know y'all kept your pet beavers on leashes like that!" :lol:

 

Well, I came soooooooo close to saying yes, but all the other Canadians around me would have corrected me, especially since I had just mentioned that it was a ferret to them. But oh, it was so delightfully tempting! I finally had to take out a nickel and show him a what a beaver looked like, because he was still positive and didn't want to be convinced otherwise...

 

Another story deals with some members of the Canadian Armed Forces up in Iqualuit, I believe it was... anyways, it was one of the most far-northerly posts at the time, and they occasionally received American and other foreign military visitors who would fly in.

 

It was a point of honour for any Canadians who were on duty to receive visitors to go out to the tarmac in their short sleeved shirts and no jacket, even in double digit sub-zero weather and to calmly mention to the astonished visitors freezing in their parkas, after greeting them: "I hope you brought some warm clothes, it's supposed to get *real* cold tomorrow!" It always left the visitors with an impression of how absolutely tough us Canadians are!

 

Now, that is evil! :)

 

Jade Dragon

http://www.dragoncache.com

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Much as I love Tim's coffee, they really should put an apostrophe between the N and S. I think they're sending the wrong grammatical message to our youth. ;-)

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A few years ago I parked at a convenience store in Southern California, and went in for various sundries. This particular store, while old, was immaculately clean, and had a large plate glass window overlooking the parking lot. I brought my purchases to the cash register, where the cashier, a gentleman in his late 60's or early 70's, looked out at the licence plate on my car, and said "Where's British Columbia? Oregon?" I answered that it was a Canadian Province, situated between Washington State and Alaska on the Pacific coast. He looked disgusted, and said, "Y'all don't have ta be a smart aleck. Ever' body knows thar ain't nuthin' 'tween Warshington and 'Laska."

 

And like that, we were instantly homeless.

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Hi,

 

Enjoyed reading the comments - we're on vacation in Canada for the 1st time next month, flying into Vancouver, taking the Rockie Mountaineer to Jasper, then coach to Banff before flying back to London.

 

Linda & I would like to do some caching on the days we are'nt on organized trips.

 

I have a Lat/Long for the Hotel in Vancouver but wonder if someone can help with the Lat/Long for the following so I can set up some pocket searches.

 

In Jasper we're staying at the Marmot Lodge

In Banff we're staying at the Caribou Lodge.

 

Also if you have any OziExplorer calibrated maps for either Vancouver, Jasper and Bannf would you be willing to let me have a copy.

 

Thanks if you can help.

 

Steve

 

Shrewsbury,

England.

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Hey Steve - hope you have a great vacation! You picked a beautiful area to explore...

 

You may want to put your request for help in a new thread - you are probably more likely to get the help that you need that way.

 

Kevin - Purple Fever.

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Also if you have any OziExplorer calibrated maps for either Vancouver, Jasper and Bannf would you be willing to let me have a copy.

 

Steve

 

There are free low resolution topomaps available from the "Crown" (should I say our Crown?) and a freeware program (DRGMapCal) which will calibrate them for use in Ozi. I have the links on My Webpage

 

Jasper coordinates N 52.88648 W 118.07917

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I may have mentioned to a member of the German military to be on the lookout during the winter months for our northern reptiles. You see when the extreme cold weather drives all the mammals into their annual migration south, it causes our northern reptiles to follow the food source. As such you should always be watching for the infamous Canadian Snow Snakes,

I was at a convention in Wisconsin, and enthralled a group of 20-something year old americans with the tale of snow snakes from the great white north, and the migrations of their primary food source - the 25 lb arctic squirrel. Just as the story was wearing thin, another military friend of mine walked in the room, caught the tail end of the story and carried it on, thoroughly convincing these people that furred reptiles roam in the hills left by the snow plough, picking off unsuspecting cats, small children, and dog-sized carnivorous squirrels.

 

I live in Ottawa. I was once asked by a customer at work if he could take in the West Edmonton Mall in a morning trip the next day or if it would take all day to drive there, see it and drive back.

 

I used to sell Dickie Dee ice cream as a teen ager, and I lived in St. Catharines. One fine July day when the temperature was about 40 C, a car pulled up with New York tags, with skis on the roof. The driver rolled down the window and asked how far until he got to see igloos. This rocket scientist had driven 20 whopping kilometers in ludicrous July heat to ask an ice cream vendor where he could find igloos. So I sent him to Ontario Place in Toronto, there's a big Cinesphere ball thingy there. I hope he was happy.

 

Ever try to explain the crossing of Canada to someone from Switzerland? I had that conversation on a business trip. This guy wanted to fly to Halifax and drive across Canada to Vancouver. I said sure, plan on about 10ish days of driving 8 hours a day, assuming you don't do much other than eat, sleep and drive. The concept of driving in the same general direction for 10 days is lost on the Swiss. It has absolutely no meaning for them.

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Yeesh... and I thought it was fun telling Canadians (now that I live here) about Drop Bears and Hoop Snakes back in Australia... those carnivorous moose are nifty!

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B)Some more questions from hikers to the Banff info kiosks - ALL ELK related:

1 How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk

Crossing" signs?

2 At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3 Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff:

"Elk" Tourist: "Oh"

 

B)And here is a joke that might not be as popular with the guys:How to cross a river... One day three men were hiking along and came upon a

raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how

to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength

to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able

to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed

to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about

three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he

also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability and

intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. He

looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

 

:(And a more camping joke for the Lone Ranger fans:

THE LONE RANGER.... The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert,

set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his

faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto

replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" ask The Lone

Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute."Astronomically speaking, it tells me that;

there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically

,it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately

a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are

small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day

tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a

moment, then speaks. " Tonto, you Dumb a**, someone has stolen our tent."

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My friend when he lived near the Alaska border used to have fun with tourists by telling them about the Canadian aluminum (sp?) termites. He would always mention to get a can of laundry soap or something to sprinkle in a ring around their RV whenever they camped at a campground in Canada.

 

Must have been some dumbfounded campground operators for a while.

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My wife and I were camped by a river in Fundy National Park when a young couple stopped by our site. They were doing a day hike.

 

They were a newly married couple from Italy on their honeymoon. The young lady could only speak Italian but the man could get by with a little English and a lot of French, so we spoke French.

 

He had always dreamed of visiting Canada and he was really excited to be here. They had flown into JFK in New York, had rented a car and drove up Interstate 95 and crossed the border into New brunswick. Their drive brought them to Fundy where they got out of their car and started walking a hiking trail.

 

So here he was in the middle of the woods in Canada, living his dream. He pulled out a small brochure about Canada from his pocket and started asking us about Canada. It soon became clear that he had no idea about his dream country, and had no idea where he was.

 

He turned to a hand drawn map of Canada in his brochure, pointed to Hudson Bay and asked me how long it would take him to drive there.

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If you have one goose and several geese, then the plural of moose must be meese, mooses just sounds so wrong. B)

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If you have one goose and several geese, then the plural of moose must be meese, mooses just sounds so wrong. :P

I saw some meese on Sunday, but I was too slow getting my camera out.

 

Around here we get Japanese tourists who rented a car in Vancouver that morning, have been driving for five hours, and want to know if they are close to Toronto yet. :lol:

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Having been a visitor to a small area of your wonderful country, Cold Lake Alberta, these stories bring back some good memories, and you have same "fondness" for the seppos as us Aussies.......

 

Can someone send me a carepackage of Tim Horton's Coffee and Timbits please? That place was the best!!!!! loved the Chillie in the breadroll meal.

 

And for those of you going to visit Australia at any stage, watch out for Dropbears.... the feral cousin of the cuddley Koala, This beast has a mean habit of dropping out of the gumtrees onto unsuspecting overseas tourists, strangley enough Yank and Japanese ones.

 

The driver stories are similar to Aussie ones, I married a UK girl and when her Uncle came out to Australia to visit, he wanted to visit us in QLD right up north at Townsville, he was in Sydney, he was guessing that it was only a daytrip, I just laughed and told him to get on a airplane and fly up, and that still took 4hrs, to drive nup you need three to four days.

 

If any of you decide to spend your loonies and toonies on airfare to the Great Southern Land let's us know, I promise not to call you "Yanks" :lol:

 

Swampgecko

 

MapleFlag2001

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My personal favourite, "Does the Canada flag come in any other colours?"

Oops, that should say 'colors', their American after all.

If you're going to bust on us at least use correct grammar! :D it's "they're" not "their" :lol::o

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(quoted from swampgecko):

Having been a visitor to a small area of your wonderful country, Cold Lake Alberta, these stories bring back some good memories, and you have same "fondness" for the seppos as us Aussies.......

(close quote)

 

As I read your post I was wondering 'why would a perfectly decent Aussie want to go to Cold Lake?'

 

As I read on I came to understand that 'they' made you go. (I read the Maple Flag refference).

 

A friend of mine worked out of there for a while.

 

When the family first arrived his wife decided to wash all the bed sheets that had been stored for awhile. She was from southern Canada and was used to hanging out the wash rather than using an electric dryer. It was winter so the laundry froze on the line. 'Oh well' she thought after awhile, 'it seems dry, so I'll just fold it and bring it inside to thaw out.' Needless to say she ended up with several 2 foot squares of cotton! cloth!

 

You're welcome back anytime.

 

Dave

 

edit: Oh yes... hickers are generally visitors to a region and suffer from the same affliction my friends wife did (come from away).

Edited by davwil

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