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You only need two things to get by in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

 

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas

 

And my personal favorite: A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. ;)

Edited by Gizmo & Brazin
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There are only three types of people in the world who you'll come across: those who can't count, and those who can.

Or:

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't. :)

Yes, there are 2 kinds of people in the world:

 

Those who pick their nose, and those who keep picking their nose even when you are looking right at them. :)

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Yes, there are 2 kinds of people in the world:

 

Those who pick their nose, and those who keep picking their nose even when you are looking right at them. :D

You forgot the third, really cunning types. Upon being caught in the act, they will deftly bring the hand and finger down to a position on the chin. This is to make it appear that they are in deep thought. :D

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Yes, there are 2 kinds of people in the world:

 

Those who pick their nose, and those who keep picking their nose even when you are looking right at them.    :D

You forgot the third, really cunning types. Upon being caught in the act, they will deftly bring the hand and finger down to a position on the chin. This is to make it appear that they are in deep thought. :D

either that or they're geocachers flashing the sign. :D

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You get three months of free electricity.

 

No matter what your dad says, you can't break a roof by throwing a baseball at it.

 

Red to red. Black to black.

 

If you want it bad enough buy it for your wife.

 

Never trust a "Do it yourself" surgical procedure.

 

The women that are at the bar at closing time are there because no one else would take them.

 

The guys at the bar at closing time are there because they no the women are drunker than they are.

 

Avoid giving beer to bears. It takes a lot of beer to get a bear to like you.

 

The potato goes in front.

 

A two dollar bottle of Febreeze is cheaper than a trip to the laundromat.

 

Febreeze is quicker than a shower.

 

Avoid women who smell like Febreeze.

 

Febreeze is NOT a mouthwash.

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Yes, there are 2 kinds of people in the world:

 

Those who pick their nose, and those who keep picking their nose even when you are looking right at them.    :tongue:

You forgot the third, really cunning types. Upon being caught in the act, they will deftly bring the hand and finger down to a position on the chin. This is to make it appear that they are in deep thought. :rolleyes:

So That's what our fearless leader is doing in his famous pose!

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The grass is always greener in the neighbors yard. :tongue:

I beg to differ!!! :rolleyes:

 

Seriously though folks, someone once gave me this advice: if you have a fire going in your fireplace, always keep a spray bottle of water close by. If you have a chimney fire, do not douse the fire, the fire is up in the chimney. First call 911 or have someone else call, get everyone out of the house, and spray water at the coals to form steam and the steam will suffocate the flames. If it seems uncontrollable, get the heck outta there and wait for the fire department.

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