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Gotta Love This Country


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Subject: Ya gotta love this country!

 

You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000, and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

 

You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature,"

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

 

You Live in Maine when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

 

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3. After five years you still hear, "You ain 't from 'round here, are Ya?"

4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

 

You live in Colorado when....

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

 

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

 

You live in Florida when....

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

 

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You know your caching on Long Island when you can't find 4 caches in a row without one of them being an RPA cache. (That's not a bad thing, he sets up some really nice cache).

 

Also The most of the NYC observations apply too:

 

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

CHECK

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

CHECK

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

NO AND CHECK

4. You think Central Park is "nature,"

NOPE

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

DEFINITELY CHECK

6. You've worn out a car horn.

NOPE

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

ONLY SOMETIMES

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You know you are caching in Oklahoma...

 

...when you started out at 60 degrees and by the evening it ends up with 4 foot snow drifts and blizzard conditions, all without crossing a county line.

 

...when you are caching by a lake or pond and a fisherman asks you what type of fancy fish finder is that!

 

...when you stop at the local gas station/hardware store/tack shop/Bill's custom beef jerkey place and there is a vending machine for live bait. (swear to god that we have those, put in a dollar and get your choice of night crawlers, leeches, grubs and minnows)

 

Darkmoon

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Application to Live in California

 

Name________________________________________

 

Name of your stockbroker________________________

 

Name of your personal trainer_____________________

 

Name of your plastic surgeon______________________

 

Name of your divorce attorney_____________________

 

Number of children named Muffy, Bambi, or Sierra________

 

Name of their private school____________________________

 

Number of pro-environment bumper stickers on your SUV_________

 

What is your favorite white wine?_______________________________

 

What temperature do you keep your hot tub?________________________

 

How many shares of tech stocks do you own?______________________

 

How many pierced body parts do you have?

Above waist____________ Below waist___________

 

What is the immigration status of your maid and/or nanny? (check one)

legal (_) illegal (_)

 

How much is the second mortgage on your ski condo?____________________

 

Favorite pastimes

 

(_)Buying art (_) Appraising antiques

 

(_)Attending political fundraisers (_)Wine and cheese tastings

 

(_) Laying in a tanning booth (_)Complaining of urban sprawl

 

(_)Attending movie openings (_)Sipping fruit juice at private gym

 

(_)Attending environmental rallies (_)Catered outdoor parties

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Application to Live in California

 

(check one)

legal (_) illegal (_)

 

If you are here illegally please accept a hardy invitation to stay, you need not complete the above application. We will give you everything that we can to help screw our citizens and give you under paying jobs so that you may take our hard earned American dollars back to Mexico...Welcome to California!!!

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Subject: Ya gotta love this country!

 

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

 

For some reason this is the image I have of geocachers, except that they also have beards. Or, they look a lot like many of the men I saw at a Bill Monroe concert at The Old Town School of Folk Music a few years ago: clad in corduroy jackets with leather elbow patches. Btw, I don't need a map of Wisconsin, I can smell its 'dairy air' fine thank you. :unsure:

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Application to Live in California

 

<snip>

No, no, no! This is the application to live in SOUTHERN California! Ok, maybe parts of NorCal. Let's face it, California is home to two types: those who want to save the world, and those who want to pave it over. There is no middle ground. If anyone claims to be in the middle(or at least not far off to any given side) the black choppers are sent in on an air strike. Sorry, I've said too much.... :unsure:

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You know you're caching in eastern Virginia when...

 

1) It takes you two hours to drive 15 miles to a cache, and less than an hour to hike into the woods, find the cache, and get back to your car.

 

2) An acceptable excuse for logging a DNF is "got stuck in the tunnel and ran out of gas."

 

3) If they ever increase the distance a cache has to be from a military installation to be approved, there would never be another cache here again.

 

4) Hurricane Isabel wiped out half your caches. :lol:

 

5) Someone posts a new cache in Isle of Wight or Surry Counties, and you mumble because geocaching.com thinks the cache is 7 miles away, but the drive there will be more like 50.

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