Geocaching - Grounds For Divorce?

November 21, 2003

My wife loves me geocaching it get me out of her hair for a couple hours and I take the kids with me as well. All she has to do is buy me batteries lol.

November 21, 2003

My wife enjoys geocaching providing it is close to a shop or a car park and does not involve any walking. She cannot understand the logic of searching for a plastic lunch box in all weathers. I usually get "and who is she this time" should I suggest I go out caching. Isn't life a ball?

Join the club.

2.2k · November 21, 2003

It sounds like you have two choices - Geocaching or Wife.

Dump Her.

9.4k · November 21, 2003

My wife loves me geocaching it get me out of her hair for a couple hours and I take the kids with me as well. All she has to do is buy me batteries lol.

Do you have to buy batteries for her toys if she buys them for yours?

November 21, 2003

she is terrified that one of her friends will see me out in a strange place and then will think it is weird and it will come back on her.

This statement hadthe biggest impact on me. If your wife is affraid that something simple, like you being out in public, can come back on her, then my friend you have some serious issues in your marriage.

Granted, I am no expert. I have only been married for a little over a year and a half myself, but we dated for 9 years and were engaged for 5 before we got married (we wanted to finish college before we got married). One thing that I truely love about our marriage is that we have activities that we do together and apart. We give each other our quality time together and our time with our friends. The thing is that I really do not care what my wife does with her friends (within reason of course). If she goes out to a bar and gets completely trashed and gets kicked for being too drunk, I go pick her up and laugh about for the rest of our lives (and yes, this has happened, but only once!). See, I do not care if she embarresses herself or me. I love her for who she is. And getting wild with her friends every now and again is who she is. And I love her.

I have strange hobbies (WheresGeorge, Geocaching, Sigma Phi Epsilon fraterntiy, shooting computers with large caliber guns, etc.) and she has strange hobbies (scrap booking, buying pampered chef items, Sigma Kappa sorority, etc.) and as long as those hobbies are safe, then I see no problem with them.

So if your wife is worried about YOUR actions have a negative impact on HER social standing, then my friend there are problems that need to be resolved NOW!!

I wish youall the luck in the luck in the world and if I had any advice, I would offer it, but like I said, I am no expert. Good luck.

November 21, 2003

Wow. I too am the female companion of an obsessive cacher. I really really don't like going. I find it kinda boring, but I see the thrill on my friend's face and I would never deny him his pleasure. I tag along and just sit or stand and watch. Sometimes if it is a really easy find I can get into it, but mostly I would really rather be shopping. And, my friend returns the favor by tagging along as I shop, when i really know he would rather do something else. To me, the point is being together, regardless of the activity.

This issue has nothing to do with caching. I would guess your wife has an insecurity issue which turns into a control issue. Time for a therapist!

And why the heck does it say "tadpole" under my picture?

Edited November 21, 2003 by geniustara

November 21, 2003

It sounds like you have two choices - Geocaching or Wife.

Dump Her.

OK! do you want the co-ords?

Edited November 21, 2003 by Bucks Bodgers

4.8k · November 21, 2003

Wow. I too am the female companion of an obsessive cacher. I really really don't like going. I find it kinda boring, but I see the thrill on my friend's face and I would never deny him his pleasure. I tag along and just sit or stand and watch. Sometimes if it is a really easy find I can get into it, but mostly I would really rather be shopping. And, my friend returns the favor by tagging along as I shop, when i really know he would rather do something else. To me, the point is being together, regardless of the activity.

This is an example of a healthy relationship.

And why the heck does it say "tadpole" under my picture?

Because you don't have many posts and are not a paying member.

1.2k · November 21, 2003

when someone gets unreasonably upset about something minor, it's never about the surface thing. It's almost always about something deeper, and that other small thing just puts them over the top.

I just happen to be female and extremely blessed with a friend-crowd of guys I can talk with about anything. They look to me for a female perspective (which is hilarious because I am pretty much a grown-up tomboy type in attitude and personal style!)

Anyway, yeah. I agree with the others... this is MUCH deeper than just geocaching. The real deal is that when something very deep and painful is too scary to face, there's a certain subconcious process of picking something "safer" to blame the pain upon, which is not the real issue.

If a person is not in the habit of being introspective and honestly questioning the processes of one's own feelings and thoughts, that "decoy issue" honestly feels inside like the real issue. So trying to talk them out of it or to use "reason" is NOT going to work, deciding they are just "crazy" is not going to work (quite the opposite, it's very destructive).

When there is some sort of unresolved emotional wound, this common "decoy issue" dynamic will make a person look "nuts" because their reaction is out-of-proportion to the stated issue.

Take the compassionate point of view that the issue really is not geocaching, that's only the decoy "can't face the real pain" issue. Respect that there is an emotional wound there which is too painful for her to face, but don't say that... demonstrate by pure action. The difficult task at hand is to try to create an emotional atmosphere where you sit down more than once to concentrate on just listening and respecting emotional content of what she is saying behind the surface issue (easy for most women, very hard for most guys).

Do NOT accept attacks on yourself, lay down serious boundaries there, but keep gently emphasizing that you are there to provide emotional safety for her. Keep reflecting on the emotions only, rather than the facts of the situation ("you seem scared, etc." If she softens at that point (probably will, I am often still amazed to hear it even from my own supportive guy friends and it makes a difference) then it's time to gently ask the key question: "When was the first time you felt this? What was it like? I am here to hear you..." Keep gently reflecting until she gets to where it honestly hurts and way past the decoy issue.

Then do nothing but reflect and empathize with the REAL pain, keep providing emotional safety. A woman who experiences this to the point of being able to trust THAT deep an emotional vulnerablity to her guy is a woman who will probably say "Go out and geocache!" just out of pure, unexpected "Never expected THAT!" thanks. (And never give advice on anything until asked, or else you will have NASTY consequences. Trust me on this.)

On a complete tangent - assuming it's a "she was an abused child" thing... apologies for any presumptions here...

Thems who carry the deep pain have got to know that just because they WERE wounded in some deep way, they are not relieved of the responsibility to be ethical and responsible in their communications with others, especially spouses. "I went thru the horrible this-thing, so if you don't allow me to treat you like a jerk, YOU are just a cold, nasty person!" That's the cop-out of an abused person now continuing the cycle by now becoming the abuser.

There are two basic ways for thems who are wounded early to deal with issues: destructively and tear-down of others, and laying out of the problem: "This is what I feel, this is how it affects me, and it's painful in this way!" If they won't take that responsibility, there is nothing that you can do. There's a point where an abused person has to realize that part of being abused is being force-fed lessons on how to be an abuser. One must hard to not become either that or a permanent victim type. It's tough and painful to realize the healing is one's own responsibilty at that point, not really a fair thing, but it's the reality. Nasty fact that "how to relate to others in tough situations" is one of the things that has to be utterly re-learned in the abused-to-survivor healing process.

Hope you get a counselor with a clue for you and her... there are SO many bad ones out there... take care.

And quit doing geocaching behind her back until this is all properly dealt with! SHEESH! That is just corrosive and does not exactly grow the kind of trust it would take to help heal this whole thing.

Good luck...

Edited November 21, 2003 by Sparrowhawk

November 21, 2003

It could simply be that she is very young and insecure, and that anything that takes his attention away from her is seen as a threat. Also, if she is younger, her friends opinions would still be of utmost importance to her as it effects acceptance into her peer group...in her mind. Maturity will solve some of the problems, BUT the control issue is a problem that should be resolved. Marriage is NOT 50/50...sometimes you have to give more then you get, sometimes you are in need of more, but absolute control over anothers actions is never a solution...just the start of more problems.

Hope you can find a resolution !

3.9k · November 21, 2003

Sparrowhawk. Nice job. Are you a proffessional? cause if not you should be.

1.2k · November 22, 2003

Sparrowhawk. Nice job. Are you a proffessional?

No... just one who has been ker-whack-whack-WHAPPED waaaay too darn much by life circumstance from the start and had to study this kind of thing as a defense.

cause if not you should be

Thanks for the compliment, but I'd rather just stick with troubleshooting graphics and PDFs and studying for my Adobe Photoshop Expert certificate. Then go find another Abobe product to completely learn... AfterEffects 6 is looking good. :-)

Edited November 22, 2003 by Sparrowhawk

November 22, 2003

Right. Here's a thought. Maybe it's not the actual caching that she is worked up about but instead the time you are spending right now here on the forums. Take your wife for a walk in the woods without the gps.

November 22, 2003

My wife suggests that, too. However, she has no desire to learn how to operate the GPS lest she start caching by herself. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones

NO DESIRE. I'm lucky if I can pry the thing out of his hand. Sometimes I think that he wants to be buried with the darn GPS.

November 22, 2003

Hey - I need some feedback from any of you that think you can help. My wife HATES geocaching and everything it stands for. She even went so far as to log on here as me and posted to the forums that we are all losers, etc. I've tried to reason with her (great exercise - good family activity - not illegal - it's fun) but to no avail. She is convinced I am out climbing trees (not yet) and digging through people's trash and stuff that doesn't belong to me - she is terrified that one of her friends will see me out in a strange place and then will think it is weird and it will come back on her. Now she is demanding that I never take my son ( he's only a year and a half old) out geocaching. That means I'll never go - which is her ultimate goal. I even had to buy a GPS behind her back, because she is so unwilling to let me out for some fun once in a while. By the way - she works at night and I work during the day - i've already promised that this would never impinge on our personal time together during the weekends and that I would only go during the week, but she still will not have any of it. Seriously, anyone out there have any advice for me - something that might just change her mind?

Sparrowhawk was well spoken in her reply. We have friends that act similarly to your problem. The XX is the depressed/insecure one and the XY is the one who has learned to give in. He gives in because he loves her and realizes it isn't her but her depression. The counseling for everybody is highly recommended.

To grow a marriage you will have to do some activities that include her and are her activities. You have a high maintenance one, I'm willing to stick my foot out on the line and make the assumption that you knew this before you married her.

If the marriage is repairable, you will need to woo her all over again. Us XY's tend to forget the 'woo' is supposed to be for the life of the relationship, myself included. Keep the 'woo' on.

A little 'woo' goes a long way. And be sure to put some thought into it.

I might suggest watching 'Keeping up Appearances' (PBS) to see if Mr. and Mrs. Bucket seem to be close to home. If so, this might be a good vehicle to bring up those issues to speak about them.

1.4k · November 22, 2003

My wife is a hider/stats junky. I enjoy the hunt. We are in it for two different reasons but together we have fun.

Oh, The Ugly Puppy likes the hunt like her dad.

1.4k · November 22, 2003

My wife suggests that, too. However, she has no desire to learn how to operate the GPS lest she start caching by herself. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones

NO DESIRE. I'm lucky if I can pry the thing out of his hand. Sometimes I think that he wants to be buried with the darn GPS.

At leaast it isn't beer and hookers he is chasing.

9.4k · November 22, 2003

My wife suggests that, too. However, she has no desire to learn how to operate the GPS lest she start caching by herself. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones

NO DESIRE. I'm lucky if I can pry the thing out of his hand. Sometimes I think that he wants to be buried with the darn GPS.

At leaast it isn't beer and hookers he is chasing.

I'll be sure she reads this thread again

1.4k · November 22, 2003

My wife suggests that, too. However, she has no desire to learn how to operate the GPS lest she start caching by herself. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones

NO DESIRE. I'm lucky if I can pry the thing out of his hand. Sometimes I think that he wants to be buried with the darn GPS.

At leaast it isn't beer and hookers he is chasing.

I'll be sure she reads this thread again

Of course he could be doing that while out caching LOL JK.

November 22, 2003

Tell her geocaching was just a cover story, you were really out having an affair!

When the divorce is final...resume caching.

November 22, 2003

I'm with everyone else here.........there's deeper insecurity issues your wife may be suffering from. Or she may be jealous of the time you dedicate to Geocaching and not to her. I used to be the same way about my husbands fishing. Then he started asking me to go fishing with him. Well, I'm not the biggest fishing fan. I like going out to eat, but he hates that. LOL...............Our compromise? He takes me out for breakfast every time we go fishing. We both win. While your wife may have some deeper issues, you may also want to take a look at how much time you've given to Geocaching and how much to her. A compromise may be in order. It also sounds to me like she's never gone Geocaching with you and doesnt understand what its all about. Perhaps a trip to the woods with a surprise picnic dinner or a dinner out?

1.4k · November 22, 2003

Tell her geocaching was just a cover story, you were really out having an affair!

When the divorce is final...resume caching.

Nice idea, however I bet she gets the GPS in the settelment.

November 22, 2003

Nice idea, however I bet she gets the GPS in the settlement.

No, I bet she gives up the GPS.

OT now.

In all seriousness, seek professional legal advice. Your son and yourself are in need of it. You can go to the courthouse and look at divorce files, they are of public record, and find out who is representing the father and how well they have done, in terms of protecting the rights of fathers. Like I mentioned earlier, I have custody of my son and receive child support for it. Stick to your guns (no flaming on this post) and get a good attorney. The money spent there might bring satisfaction to you and needed parental influence to your son.

My ex-wife has had 4 different addresses and two different "dads" in the last 5 years. Stability is the most important part for the little one.

3k · November 22, 2003

I feel so lucky. I am in a relationship where I can take off for days at a time, leaving behind only a note saying "went caching" and he won't worry about me. Even if I come home a day later that planned he doesn't worry. He knows if anything happens he'll get a phone call. I'm also lucky that he will join me for the long hikes, and the mountain climbing/camping/hiking/camping event caches. He just doesn't like the many short caches in day, park and grab type caches. Your wife needs to open her eyes and see the light. This is the healthiest hobby you could have picked! One that keeps you out of trouble, and keeps you healthy and if you CITO, it's one that will beautify her world. I have done more things with the mann since I started geocaching, than we did before. We did lots of outdoor activites before, but now we do more and more often. When you took your vows, was there a part when you vowed to stick together in good times and in bad? Well, tell her geocaching is one of the good times, lady! Hmmmm, does she live in high heels? She may not be the outdoorsy type. If so I can't help you. I wish you all the luck in the world. Perhaps she should read this thread?

November 22, 2003

I'd liken Geocaching to other sports or fun activities and put the question to her like that (or ask it to yourself):

What if it was hiking or rock climbing or weight lifting or motorcycle riding or shooting down at the range (or in sporting competitions) or [insert your own activity here] - would you allow her to say "No, you can never do that, and you can never take our son"?

Before I found GeoCaching, I hiked with my son all the time:

I've an agreement with my Wife that my Son won't ride passenger on my motorcycle for another year and not until I buy him his own set of riding gear. Originally I was pretty peeved that she wouldn't even agree to let me ride down the block with him to the store, but she's right, an accident could happen at 35MPH an he really needs riding gear to make it through a fall safely.

Ok, the point of my post is that any <i>reasonable</i> person shouldn't have a problem with any <i>reasonable</i> sport. I cache all the time at night as it is when I have the most time, but I nearly never do it solo unless I already know the area and know it's "safe" (safe is really relative these days). Usually it's with my Brother, and I feel rather safe no matter where we cache with the two of us. Perhaps you should find another male caching buddy to go caching with, especially another with kid(s)? Then she really should have no objection as you're going out to have your own personal time and involving your son.

Just my two cents. Marriage is about compromises at times.

4.8k · November 23, 2003

I've an agreement with my Wife that my Son won't ride passenger on my motorcycle for another year and not until I buy him his own set of riding gear. Originally I was pretty peeved that she wouldn't even agree to let me ride down the block with him to the store, but she's right, an accident could happen at 35MPH an he really needs riding gear to make it through a fall safely.

I posted something earlier that I thought a post showed a sign of a healthy relationship. Here is another. If I was this person's wife, I would feel the same, but would listen to his thoughts. I would expect him to listen to mine. As you can see, he listened to her and while originally was "peeved," he agreed. That is what a relationship is about. People consider each other's thoughts and reach an agreement. Here, he disagreed at first but then agreed. Maybe next time it will be different or opposite. The point is that they communicated and reached an agreement. Plus, maybe it was subconscience (Sp?... I need to get that spell checker) or doesn't mean anything at all, but I liked the capitalization of "Wife" and "Son."

I think you should discuss things seriously with your wife. If it is just about caching, maybe you can see each other's views and reach a reasonable compromise. If it is about more than caching, I hope you can figure out what it is and fix it. If you can't fix it, I hope counseling can work. But forgive me for seeming cold, but sometimes cutting the losses and getting out of the relationship is necessary too. Only you know the answers there. All I know is that I have a relationship where I can pursue my hobbies with my Boyfriend expressing concerns, but never dictating to me what to do. I listen to him and consider things or discount them (I'll admit that I often discount, but he understands that and seems OK with it. I'm OK when he discounts things I say too). For example, I recently took up pilates and figure skating. He was worried that I was taking on too much (I also dance a lot) and would hurt myself (which I actually slightly did in several ways). I discussed his thoughts with him, but also discounted them. He is OK with that, but I bet when I tell him that I sprained my ankle (only slightly forunatley) skating this morning, that he will tease me about it and say "I told you so." And I know I will deserve it. Yet, I will keep it up, he knows that, and in reality we will both be happy because we can express disagreement with each other, pick on each other, point out each other's faults and where we were each right and/or wrong, and also respect each other's choices. If you and your spouse can't do that, either out of fear or lack of respect or something else, then you have problems and need to work on them or give up.

Edited November 23, 2003 by carleenp

November 23, 2003

Hi, I know you mentioned that you don't need advise anymore so I will try not to preach. Being the feminine half of this husband and wife team I have to say that your post and your latest follow-up response has not sat well with me. I saw when you orginally posted and first wanted to just whack you up side the head...and her. That is why I didn't post right away. I have thought about this one for a little bit. As stated already you have said that you are non-confrontational and that she is controlling and most everyone has given you some great advice a lot of which I hope you take to heart. But what I am most concerned about is your kid.

I hope that he will be free to play, have fun and get dirty. One of the pleasures of being a kid is learning how to explore and nurturing this desire. If that is not nurtured that could be detramental. Think of the example that is being laid out before him: dad has to go behind mom's back to buy something for himself that is a part of a fun outdoor activity and mom has dad on a leash. Now, I know...no relationship is perfect and I should not judge. You two can live your lives as you see fit, but your son has no choice. His parents are the two of you. All I can suggest is COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER. Teach your kid (as he grows up) to talk about his needs and activites, otherwise he will learn at an early age hide things from you both. (and I am not talking caches ).

Good Luck. I hope all can find a good compromise.

3.9k · November 23, 2003

I say just slip her some prozak. Lots of it.

November 23, 2003

I'm not sure that it is geocaching by itself that is the problem here. It seems like your wife may have some serious issues with trust and control. Clearly nothing you say to her will change her mind, and nothing we can say will either. I doubt even a face-to-face intervention will make her understand. The only advice I can give is seek counseling immediately.

My wife doesn't like to go geocaching either, but she doesn't stand in my way. In fact, there was a point where I was so frustrated that I was considering taking a break from caching. When I decided to forge ahead and continue caching, she said - rather emphatically - "Good!"

November 23, 2003

Hey, my wife also is not interested in geocaching, as she is not big on outdoor activities (though we walk, swim and do bike riding together). My son and I are the geocachers of the family, and my wife jokes and calls us here two "pirates" (treasure hunters -- she does not know that this term has a different meaning here on the forum). Periodically, she lets me know if I am talking too much about geocaching (well, not periodically, but pretty often). Anyway, what was my point?? Oh yes, it is OK for you wife to dislike geocaching, golf, or any of the other sports you participate in. I really do not like some of her activities, but we have many more that we do as a family. Don't understand why, under the circumstances you describe, this would be a big deal.

November 24, 2003

I even had to buy a GPS behind her back,

I feel for you. But as for buying a GPS behind her back, that is a bad idea. Take it from a man who bought a Palm Pilot behind my wife's back back in 98 and I am in the middle of a divorce right now. She is still bringing that issue up. You will never live it down.

I am lucky that my girlfriend and her kids have gotten into geocaching with me.

Mike

Edited November 24, 2003 by mlnapoli

3.8k · November 24, 2003

I feel for you. But as for buying a GPS behind her back, that is a bad idea. Take it from a man who bought a Palm Pilot behind my wife's back back in 98 and I am in the middle of a divorce right now. She is still bringing that issue up. You will never live it down.

Good thing I went with a PocketPC!

November 24, 2003

I think Carleenp hit the nail on the head. Can you say "Control Freak"?

Bender

November 24, 2003

Just when you think it's safe to go back into the water... I know I said I didn't need any more advice - I was wrong - I wasn't expecting any more, but I still got a lot of it and it's all good. I'm now convinced that this really has nothing at all to do with geocaching and could just as easily been over me eating Fruit Loops for breakfast instead of eggs. (I'm supposed to be doing the Atkins diet) After sleeping on the couch for two nights, I finally gave in to my wife and told her I wouldn't "cheat on her with geocaching" (her words) until after the holidays. The only reason I gave in was that she wanted me to move out of the house and was asking for a divorce, yet I am not ready to give up my entire life over a hobby - not just yet anyway. It blows me away that she wouldn't even compromise in the slightest and is totally willing to throw away our relationship, because I like geocaching. It's just the most illogical thing I have ever heard of. She refuses to even acknowledge that we need counseling for coming so close to divorce over something so small. So we will see. I will mark this one as a "Not Found" and come back to it after Christmas and then we'll see what happens. I hate to say it, but if this is the way things are going to continue, then I will probably call it quits with her. I'm not a psychotherapist and I have not got a clue how to go about fixing someone so broken.

November 24, 2003

Man --thats bad , My girl likes Geocaching, just for the fact she is outside enjoying the day..She just wont go with me because I like to find the bush wacking caches!

HMMMMMMMMMM now that I think about it when I go alone I seem to walk right up to the cache????

November 24, 2003

Being a new mother (you said a year and a half?) can be very demanding. I'm not sure I would be so quick to assume she has a control problem. I wonder if she's just angry with you for having a fun hobby, while she's stressing endlessly over your toddler. I think you should JUST ASK HER.

November 24, 2003

Before my wife and I married over 6 years ago; one of the "conditions" was that the "d" word would never, ever, under any circumstances be threatened in our house. As we were marrying under less than perfect circumstances; this "condition" was not too far out there. Since then we have been in counseling with a professional several times so that we can both learn to comminucate with each other. This should be your number one priority at this point - namely counseling. If your wife will not go with you, go by yourself. Eventually one of two (obvious) scenarios will develop. Either a realtively happy and good relationship will evolve through much work on both your parts. (as my wife and I have seen and continue to develop) OR You will split up. I hope and pray that the both of you will be able to work out your differences... If not, though, fight like the dickens to keep your child with you, for his sake!

5.7k · November 24, 2003

No advice here, just hoping that you have some fun finding some caches in the future.

--Marky

November 25, 2003

Wow...and I thought MY ex-wife hated caching.

I started caching in April 2001...and I got divorced in June 2002.

While it sounds like there are a lot bigger problems than caching at issue here, I can tell you that as soon as my wife left, I had a lot less interest in caching than I had previously.

Ask yourself if you are caching to GET AWAY from your wife, or because you really really enjoy it that much....my guess is it's somewhere in between. If the marriage is really that bad...then something else needs to give, but caching is nowhere near worth throwing away a marriage over.

Good luck to you.

Geocaching - Grounds For Divorce?

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