Any funny jokes??????

[+Team Shuey]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

Just two, the puzzling question is how did they get in there?

 

Team Shuey

Riverview, Florida

Shuey's Web Site

Buy CamelBaks

CLICK HERE

[Broncoholics]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

 

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

 

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

 

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

 

"I thought so," he says.

"You have a broken finger."

 

Duane

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[+Dread Pirate Roberts']

Two clams, Sam and Joe, were not only best friends but brothers. They were also total opposites. Sam was notorious for partying all night and raising heck around town. Joe spent his spare time volunteering for charities and working in soup kitchens.

 

One day they were both caught in a fisherman's net and left this world forever

 

Joe went to heaven where he was greeted by St. Peter and presented with a golden harp. He was soon able to make the most beautiful music and became a favorite of all the angels.

 

Sam went to hell where he was anxiously greeted by the devil. Because he had been so bad in life, the devil gave him his very own nightclub so that he could continue to party the night away with the demons and sinners.

 

Despite their new friends, the two clams missed each other a great deal. Finally, St. Peter agreed to let Joe visit Sam in hell on a 12 hour pass. As Joe prepared for the journey, St. Peter noticed that Joe had packed his beloved harp.

 

"Joe, don't bring your harp! If you leave it, I won't be able to let you back in." Joe thought about it hard and long but decided he wanted his brother to hear his lovely music. He couldn't bear to leave it.

 

The visit went well and the clams were both impressed with each other's afterlife lifestyles. After a tearful farewell, Joe returned to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met him. St. Peter asked where his harp was. Joe rummaged through his baggage and then cried out, "I've left my harp in Sam clam's disco!"

 

*ducks*

[+seneca]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dread Pirate Roberts':

"I've left my harp in Sam clam's disco!"

---

 

Whew!... smells like rotten eggs in here....

 

I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me.

[Broncoholics]

Dear Ma & Pa:

 

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

 

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good

 

 

Duane

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[Steak N Eggs]

Q: What do you call a deer with no eye's?

A: No eye deer.

 

Q: What do you call a deer with no eye's or legs?

A: Still no eye deer.

 

"My gps say's it RIGHT HERE".

http://www.w6hy.org

KF6VFH

TOYOTA To Often Yuppies Overprice This Auto

[Broncoholics]

Q: Why did the muddy weasel cross the road twice?

 

A: He was a dirty double crosser.

 

 

Duane

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[Broncoholics]

Q: Where does virgin wool come from?

 

A: Ugly sheep.

 

Duane

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[Broncoholics]

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

 

A: Because they're always a little short

 

 

Duane

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[Broncoholics]

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine

this:

 

You're a Siamese Twin.

Your brother, attached, is gay.

 

You're not.

 

He has a date coming over tonight.

 

You only have one *ss.

 

Feel better?

 

 

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[lysa]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on

a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the

little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and

he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat ! ;half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

Si judicas... Cognosce

[+DeerChaser & Company]

What did the oriental couple name the birth defected baby?

 

Sum-Ting-Wong

 

I'm sorry

 

Rino 110

MeriGreen 128

[+TEAM 360]

Two blondes were out in the woods Geocaching, and came across some tracks..."Those are deer tracks"..."No, those are bear tracks"....they BOTH got run over by the train.

[dsandbro]

The news is all abuzz about how the U.S. Navy has trained dolphins to find mines. What the news is not telling us that the Navy has been working with other mammals too. There is one animal that after repeated trials and training stubbornly refuses to help the U.S. military -- french poodles.

 

========================================

Friends don't let Friends geocache drunk.

[Broncoholics]

Catch a drunk driver

 

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

 

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

 

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

 

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

 

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

 

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

 

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

 

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

 

 

Duane

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[lysa]

Rodney wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He

forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing

he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water

on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing

in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rodney looks

around the room and sees that it is in a perfect

order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:

 

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go

shopping. Love you."

 

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a

hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is

also at the table, eating.

 

Rodney asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

 

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk

and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the

hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you

stumbled into the door."

 

Confused, Rodney asks, "So, why is everything in order

and! so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting

for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh that!

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried

to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone,

I'm married' "

 

Si judicas... Cognosce

[+mrmom]

: Judgment day

 

 A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

  

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity

got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

  

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

  

  

  

  "Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're Geocachers from upstate

 New York. They're still way to cold and wet to burn."

 

Geonavigating since 1991

[Radman Forever]

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had

been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman,

lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

 

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.

"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota.

They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove

of the agreement. What do you think?"

 

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could

stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

 

 

"If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure."

- Dan Quayle

[wavydave]

I can't believe no-one's posted:

 

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

 

Take him out for a drag!

[+briansnat]

Did you hear about the new battle tank developed by the French? It has 4 speeds in reverse, and one forward speed, just in case they are attacked from the rear.

 

"You can only protect your liberties in this world, by protecting the other man's freedom. "You can only be free if I am" -Clarence Darrow

[+Verboten]

An old man is sitting on his porch one morning and sees a young lad walking down the road with a roll of tape in his hands.

 

"Whatcha got there, young fella?" he asks. "Duct tape" replies the lad. "Whatcha doin' with it?" asks the old man. "I'm going to catch some ducks." The old man laughs and says "you can't catch ducks with duct tape, boy." The boy gives him a big smile and continues on his way.

 

Later that evening, the old man gapes in awe as he sees the boy strolling home with a row of ducks in tow at the end of his roll of tape.

 

The next day he sees the boy coming down the road again, this time dragging a length of wire fence.

 

"What have you got today?" asks the old man. "Chicken wire" says the youngster. "And what're you goin' to do with that?" The boy replies "I'm going to catch some chickens." The old man laughs and says "boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Again, the boy just smiles and continues down the road.

 

Later that evening, the old man almost falls out of chair when he sees the boy strolling home with a row of chickens in tow tangled up in the chicken wire.

 

The next day he sees the boy approaching, dragging a branch behind him. "So, tell me what you have today." The boy replies, "this is a pussy willow."

 

The old man says "hang on a minute, lemme get my hat."

 

-Vb

 

[This message was edited by Verboten on April 07, 2003 at 09:15 PM.]

[Radman Forever]

I got a few hilarious jokes that'll knock your sox off!

 

Joke 1:

Why Did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the next side of the road!

 

HA! HA! HA!

 

Joke 2:

Why was six afraid of seven?

Cause Seven ate nine! Get it!?!

 

HA! HA! HA!

 

Joke 3:

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated "Arghh!"

 

HA! HA! HA! ............... ok, I'll shut up now.

 

 

"If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure."

- Dan Quayle

[Broncoholics]

Get What You Pay For?

 

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical birds and says: "The parrot to your left costs $500." The man asks,"Why does the parrot costs so much?" The owner says,"Well, it knows how to use a computer. He can diagnose system bugs." The customer asks about the next parrot and is told,"That one costs $1000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to configure and use UNIX." Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, "That one costs $2000." Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can IT do?" The owner shrugs and replies, "To be honest I've never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him Boss!"

 

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[+briansnat]

Did you hear about the new French battle tank?

It has 4 speeds in reverse and 1 forward (just in case they get attacked from the rear).

 

What does a Polish girl get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

 

Her new last name.

 

"You can only protect your liberties in this world, by protecting the other man's freedom. "You can only be free if I am" -Clarence Darrow

[TallDredger]

What do you call a single file line of rabbits who are walking backwards?

 

 

.......A receding hare line

[Northern-Lights]

~ One Marine ~

 

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.

 

"One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqi!"

 

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

 

The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi!"

 

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

 

The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi!"

 

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought.

 

Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune

and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men,

it's a trap. There's two of them!"

 

Earth First!!! We'll cache the other planets later!!

[Northern-Lights]

A cowboy....and indian......and an arab were sitting around the campfire..... The Indian, in a sad voice says "once we were many.....now we are few".... The Arab smiles and says.."once we were few.....now we are many"..... The cowboy laughs and says..."well partner....that's because we ain't played cowboyw and arabs yet!!" No offense ment.....

 

Earth First!!! We'll cache the other planets later!!

[+briansnat]

Tariq Aziz calls together all of Saddam Hussein's body doubles and announces to them, "I have good news and bad news". "The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have a job". "That's great" one of them said, "but what's the bad news?"

 

"He lost a leg"

 

"You can only protect your liberties in this world, by protecting the other man's freedom. "You can only be free if I am" -Clarence Darrow

[Northern-Lights]

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor, and made the web department take it

down immediately. For once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too....

--------------------------------------------

 

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not

required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

 

>> 1.

>> [_] Mr.

>> [_] Mrs.

>> [_] Ms.

>> [_] Miss

>> [_] Lt.

>> [_] Gen.

>> [_] Comrade

>> [_] Classified

>> [_] Other

>>

>> First Name: ................................

>> Initial: ........

>> Last Name: .................................

>> Password: ............................. (max. 8 char)

>> Code Name:..................................

>> Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...

>>

>> 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

>>

>> [_] F-14 Tomcat

>> [_] F-15 Eagle

>> [_] F-16 Falcon

>> [_] F-117A Stealth

>> [_] Classified

>>

>> 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....../......./......

>>

>> 4. Serial Number:.........................

>>

>> 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

>>

>> [_] Received as gift / aid package

>> [_] Catalogue / showroom

>> [_] Independent arms broker

>> [_] Mail order

>> [_] Discount store

>> [_] Government surplus

>> [_] Classified

>>

>> 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

>>

>> [_] Heard loud noise, looked up

>> [_] Store display

>> [_] Espionage

>> [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

>> [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

>> [_] Was attacked by one

>>

>> 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

>>

>> [_] Style / appearance

>> [_] Speed / maneuverability

>> [_] Price / value

>> [_] Comfort / convenience

>> [_] Kickback / bribe

>> [_] Recommended by salesperson

>> [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

>> [_] Advanced Weapons Systems

>> [_] Backroom politics

>> [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

>>

>> 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

>>

>> [_] North America

>> [_] Iraq

>> [_] Iran

>> [_] Aircraft carrier

>> [_] Iraq

>> [_] Europe

>> [_] Iraq

>> [_] Middle East (not Iraq)

>> [_] Iraq

>> [_] Africa

>> [_] Iraq

>> [_] Asia / Far East

>> [_] Iraq

>> [_] Misc. Third World countries

>> [_] Iraq

>> [_] Classified

>> [_] France

>>

>> 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to

purchase in the near future:

>>

>> [_] Color TV

>> [_] VCR

>> [_] ICBM

>> [_] Killer Satellite

>> [_] CD Player

>> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles

>> [_] Space Shuttle

>> [_] Home Computer

>> [_] Nuclear Weapon

>>

>> 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply)

>>

>> [_] Communist / Socialist

>> [_] Terrorist

>> [_] Crazed

>> [_] Neutral

>> [_] Democratic

>> [_] Dictatorship

>> [_] Corrupt

>> [_] Primitive / Tribal

>>

>> 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

>>

>> [_] Deficit spending

>> [_] Cash

>> [_] Suitcases of cocaine

>> [_] Oil revenues

>> [_] Personal check

>> [_] Credit card

>> [_] Ransom money

>> [_] Traveler's checks

>>

>> 12. Your occupation:

>>

>> [_] Homemaker

>> [_] Sales / marketing

>> [_] Revolutionary

>> [_] Clerical

>> [_] Mercenary

>> [_] Tyrant

>> [_] Middle management

>> [_] Eccentric billionaire

>> [_] Defense Minister / General

>> [_] Retired

>> [_] Student

>>

>> 13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy

participating on a regular basis:

>>

>> [_] Golf

>> [_] Boating / sailing

>> [_] Sabotage

>> [_] Running / jogging

>> [_] Propaganda / misinformation

>> [_] Destabilization / overthrow

>> [_] Default on loans

>> [_] Gardening

>> [_] Crafts

>> [_] Black market / smuggling

>> [_] Collectibles / collections

>> [_] Watching sports on TV

>> [_] Wines

>> [_] Interrogation / torture

>> [_] Household pets

>> [_] Crushing rebellions

>> [_] Espionage / reconnaissance

>> [_] Fashion clothing

>> [_] Border disputes

>> [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

>>

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

 

>> Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

>> McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION

>> Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division

>>

>> IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem,

no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this mail, although he company

president says the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time...

 

Earth First!!! We'll cache the other planets later!!

[+1911]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You can call him anything you want,he still won't come to you!

[Northern-Lights]

bump,,,just couldn't think of a joke right now...

 

Earth First!!! We'll cache the other planets later!!

[Broncoholics]

Scared sleeping

 

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

 

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

 

"How much do you charge?"

 

"A hundred dollars per visit."

 

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

 

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

 

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

 

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

 

"Is that so! How?"

 

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[Broncoholics]

quote:

---

Jokes of this type are better suited to a private thread

CO Admin

---

 

This thread has been around before you CO Admin,

so I don't understand why you would delete my joke.

 

Duane

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[+CO Admin]

Simple, one of your fellow cachers pushed the yellow triangle on your joke and complained that it was too adult for this forum.

 

I work for the QOFE that works for the Frog

The Frog is my friend

[Jomarac5]

One person didn't like it?

 

Sounds like censorship to me.

 

*****

[Broncoholics]

Warning: Some jokes may be harmful to froggies.... *

 

A little girl walks up to her grandfather and says:

"Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

 

Grandpa says:

 

"Honey, why do you want me to do that?"

 

And the little girls says:

 

"Well, Daddy said that when you croak, we all get to go to Disney World!"

 

Duane

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[Broncoholics]

Dog Applicant

 

Wednesday, October 1, 2003

 

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

 

Help wanted.

Must type 70 words a minute.

Must be computer literate.

Must be bilingual.

An equal opportunity employer.

 

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager'srs office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

 

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

 

The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

 

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

 

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

 

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

 

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

 

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[+putt]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

 

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

 

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

 

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

 

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipilini ."

 

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

 

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

 

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just isn't in the book."

 

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

 

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

 

He hands it back to her and says....

 

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[+Cooter13]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him," Excuse me, can you

help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

 

" The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31°, 14.97’ north latitude and 100°, 49.09’ west longitude.

 

" She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

 

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

 

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's MY fault."

 

See the happy moron

He doesn't give a da**

I wish I were a moron

My God, perhaps I am

Author Unknown

[+ScottJ]

A woman walks into a pharmacy. She asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

 

The pharmacist asks her what she wants it for, and she replies that she's going to use it to poison her husband.

 

The pharmacist says, "Sorry, maam, there's just no way I can dispense arsenic to you if I know you're going to use it to kill someone!"

 

At that, the woman hands over the counter a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife!

 

The pharmacist says, "Well, now! Why didn't you tell me you had a PRESCRIPTION!"

 

--

Scott Johnson (ScottJ)

[martmann]

What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?

 

Kids don’t eat broccoli.

 

 

Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet?

 

He was looking for Pooh.

 

 

Why are only 5% of blond secretaries touch typists?

 

The other 95% are hunt-and-peck ers.

 

___________________________________________________________

If trees could scream, would we still cut them down?

Well, maybe if they screamed all the time, for no reason.

Click here for my Geocaching pictures and Here (newest)

[+GeoGryffindor]

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

 

"Nice find! I must go tell Harry, Ron and Hermione."

 

[This message was edited by GeoGryffindor on October 24, 2003 at 06:03 AM.]

[+GeoGryffindor]

Being a blonde, I can do this one:

 

Two blondes were walking in the forest one day, when they found some tracks on the ground. The first blonde said, "I know what kind of tracks those are. Those are deer tracks."

 

The second blonde shook her head and said, "No, those are elk tracks." The first blonde said, "No, my daddy showed me those kind of tracks before, and those are deer tracks."

 

Then the second blonde said, "Well, MY daddy showed my these same exact kind of tracks, and I'm sure these are elk tracks." The two of them argued back and forth for about 15 minutes, and then a train ran them over.

 

"Nice find! I must go tell Harry, Ron and Hermione."

[+GeoGryffindor]

DR. SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

 

"Nice find! I must go tell Harry, Ron and Hermione."

[+GeoGryffindor]

REAL CLASSIFIED ADS FROM ACTUAL NEWSPAPERS

 

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

 

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

 

"Nice find! I must go tell Harry, Ron and Hermione."

[+GeoGryffindor]

Five pigs went into a bar. The first pig asked for one glass of beer. He drank it and asked where the bathroom was. The bartender said, "Down the hall and to the right."

 

The second pig ordered 2 glasses of beer. He drank them and asked where the bathroom was. The bartender said, "Down the hall and to the right."

 

The third pig ordered 3 glasses of beer. He drank them down, then asked where the bathroom was. The bartender said, "Down the hall and to the right."

 

The fourth pig ordered 4 glasses of beer. He drank them down then asked where the bathroom was. The bartender said, "Down the hall and to the right."

 

The fifth pig ordered 5 glasses of beer. He drank them down, paid his tab, then began to leave. The bartender stopped him and said, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replied, "No. I'm the one

that goes wee-wee all the way home!"

 

"Nice find! I must go tell Harry, Ron and Hermione."

[Broncoholics]

Bill Gates dies, and he decides if he should go to hell or heaven. First, he goes to heaven. The harp music is pretty boring, there's nothing to do, so he takes a peek into hell. In hell, he sees a bar with sexy devil waitresses, live rock music and beer. After much thought, he decides to go to hell. Once he gets to hell, a devil shoves him into a pot and closes the lid. Bill starts pounding on the walls and yelling, "Where's the bar?! Those waiterees?! That rock music?! That beer?!" The devil says, "Bill, that was just the demo!"

 

 

Upinyachit

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[+wimseyguy]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on No baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked Alex what he had done?

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said.

"What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the S#!T."

 

These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes;

Nothing remains quite the same.

Through all of the islands and all of the highlands,

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

[Broncoholics]

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?

 

A guy with very high blood pressure...

 

Our feet go where the caches are!

[+skigirl]

An elderly man walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I'm 95 years old and have been married 70 years to a loving wife and I have wonderful family. But yesterday, I met 3 beautiful college girls in the park and they took me back to their dorm and we had wild sex all afternoon"

 

The priest says "You've been a good Catholic all your life, so God will forgive you".

 

The old man says "But I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish"

 

"Well then why are you here telling me this?" asked the priest.

 

"Heck, I'm telling everyone!"