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Any funny jokes??????


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(Based on a true story) A hitchhiker was waiting a loong time for a car to come that take take him to the nearest town, where he could find a hotel. Finally, a slow-moving car comes by, and without waiting for an answer, he jumps nto the passenger's seat. A few minutes into his ride, it comes to is horor that there is NOONE in the driver's seat. There is an upcoming turn, & he is fearing that the driverless car will fall over the cliff. He tries the door, but it is jammed. He thought about trying to open the driver's door & get out when, suddenly, a mysterious hand comes & guides the car safely through the turn. This happens a few times, & the passenger can't decide if he is interested or scared. When they finally reach the nearest village, he climbed over to the driver's seat & climbed safely out of this slowly movng car. In the bar, he was relating his story to the people, who weren't buying it. Then two guys came in. One said to the other, "Hey, Pablo, that's the idiot that got into our car while we were pushing it."

 

ha..ha..

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Ok, a male, blonde cacher goes caching. His wife, not a cache fan, kinda sits off to the side, with the blonde's backpack of supplies. After looking hard for a full hour, the dummy can't find it. "Honey, I'm thinking about giving up & coming back another time. I mean, unless YOU know were it could be." "Of course I do, the cache that you're gonna hide is sitting right here in the backpack."

 

that's enough for a day.

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Ok, a male, blonde cacher goes caching. His wife, not a cache fan, kinda sits off to the side, with the blonde's backpack of supplies. After looking hard for a full hour, the dummy can't find it. "Honey, I'm thinking about giving up & coming back another time. I mean, unless YOU know were it could be." "Of course I do, the cache that you're gonna hide is sitting right here in the backpack."

 

that's enough for a day.

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Six Legged Turkey

 

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

 

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

 

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

 

 

How to cook a turkey

 

1) Go buy a turkey.

 

2) Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) or Jack Daniels.

 

3) Put turkey in the oven.

 

4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.

 

5) Set the degree at 375 ovens

 

6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.

 

7) Turn oven the on.

 

8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.

 

9) Turk the bastey.

 

10) Whiskey another bottle of get.

 

11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer

 

12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.

 

13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.

 

14) Take the oven out of the turkey.

 

15) Take the oven out of the turkey.

 

16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.

 

17) Turk the carvey.

 

18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.

 

19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

 

20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

 

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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1.Constipated people don't give a crap.

2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

7. If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little

better.

8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

9. Thank you for pot smoking.

10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek

counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

14. Horn broken...watch for finger.

15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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The Weather out here in Rochester, N.Y. is cold and snowy. It is taking away from my caching and I am only getting a few hours a day in at work. So I will tell another joke just out of boredom.

 

A pirate at the local bar discusses his past......

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

 

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

 

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

 

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

 

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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The Weather out here in Rochester, N.Y. is cold and snowy. It is taking away from my caching and I am only getting a few hours a day in at work. So I will tell another joke just out of boredom.

 

A pirate at the local bar discusses his past......

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

 

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

 

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

 

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

 

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

 

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

 

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

 

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

 

5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds.

(ignore ruckus from inside toilet, the cat is enjoying this.)

 

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides "power rinse" which is quite effective.

 

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

 

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outdoors, where he will air dry.

 

9. Mop up the floor.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Dog

 

Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing

four elements: religion, royalty, sex, and mystery.

 

The only "A+" in the class read:

 

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

 

Cache you later,

Planet

 

Afraid of heights? Not me, I'm afraid of widths!

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Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,

and I left carrots

for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

 

Love,

Susan

 

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the chits and carrots make the deer

fart in my face.

You want to be a kiss-*ss? Leave me a glass of

Chivas Regal and

some Toblerone.

 

Santa

 

Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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Money...

 

It can buy you a House

But not a Home

 

It can buy you a Bed

But not Sleep

 

It can buy you a Clock

But not Time

 

It can buy you a Book

But not Knowledge

 

It can buy you a Position

But not Respect

 

It can buy you Medicine

But not Health

 

It can buy you Blood

But not Life

 

It can buy you Sex

But not Love

 

So you see, money isn't everything.

The best things in life can't be bought,

and often we destroy ourselves trying!

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,

and as your Friend I want to take away your

needless pain and suffering...

 

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend than me you will never find.

 

CASH ONLY, PLEASE.

 

Duane

Upinyachit

icon_smile.gif

 

Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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Money...

 

It can buy you a House

But not a Home

 

It can buy you a Bed

But not Sleep

 

It can buy you a Clock

But not Time

 

It can buy you a Book

But not Knowledge

 

It can buy you a Position

But not Respect

 

It can buy you Medicine

But not Health

 

It can buy you Blood

But not Life

 

It can buy you Sex

But not Love

 

So you see, money isn't everything.

The best things in life can't be bought,

and often we destroy ourselves trying!

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,

and as your Friend I want to take away your

needless pain and suffering...

 

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend than me you will never find.

 

CASH ONLY, PLEASE.

 

Duane

Upinyachit

icon_smile.gif

 

Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room

in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had

to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock,

gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a

sweater."

 

"I can't find the longitude for the North Pole"

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An elderly man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he

called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a

simple, informal test the

husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the

problem.

 

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a

normal conversational tone

and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30

feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

 

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the

living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see

what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.

 

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for

supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".

No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

 

"I can't find the longitude for the North Pole"

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Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wyoming is planning to do its own, entitled, Survivor - Wyoming Style.

 

The contestants will start in Cheyenne, travel to Lusk, Newcastle, Moorcroft, over to Gillette and down to Bar Nun and on to Hell's Half Acre.They will then proceed up to Worland, on to Meeteetse, then on to Shoshoni, Lander and Casper. From there, they'll proceed to Medicine Bow, Laramie and finally back to Cheyenne.

 

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, Protect The Wolves, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

 

The first one to make it back to Cheyenne alive wins.

 

"I can't find the longitude for the North Pole"

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A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

 

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

 

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart now... if you want to you can follow me over to Target."

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.

 

One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

 

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

 

"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"

 

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up.

 

Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

 

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

 

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

 

"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.

 

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

 

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up.

 

Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

 

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

 

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

 

"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.

 

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

 

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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I just recently heard that the Surgeon General is warning all of us who have seen the first two "Lord Of The Rings" movies to NOT watch the third one when it comes out.

 

He said the movies are "hobbit-forming"....

 

 

icon_biggrin.gif

 

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

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There is a blone, a brunette, and a redhead and they are running from the police. They run into an alley. The brunett jumps into a box, the redhead jumps behind a trash can and the blonde jumps into an old potato sack. The cops come down the alley. The kick the box and the brunett goes "ARF ARF!!" "oh, it's just an old dog." the policeman says. then they kick the trash can and the redhead goes "MEOW!!" "oh, it's just an old cat" the policman says.then they kick the potatoe sack and the blonde yells "POTATOE POTATOE POTATOE!!!!!"

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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Two alcoholics were working late at Baltimore/ Washington Airport. It was between pays and they were broke. Needing a drink pretty bad Jack said to John, "Ya know, I heard on the TV that if you drink jet fuel you'll get drunk and you'll never get a hangover".

John replied, "Right about now, I'll try anything".

 

So off to the flight line they went. They drank and drank and drank. After an hour, they had the best drunk ever, so they decided that they had better go home.

 

The next day John called Jack. "That was the best drunk ever!!! I didn't even get a hangover."

 

"Yeah, I know what you mean", Jack said, "do you want to get together and do it again tonight?"

 

"Well there's one problem, I can't make it. Say, have you farted yet?" John asked.

 

"No, Why?" Jack replied.

 

"I'm in San Diego!"

 

"Seek and ye shall find"

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Because laughter is the best medicine!!!!!!!!

 

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

 

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

 

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.

 

When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

 

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

 

The Irishman finally said ----"Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax!"

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

 

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog

is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

 

You talk?" he asks.

 

Yep," the mutt replies.

 

So, what's your story?"

 

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered

this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

 

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

 

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

 

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth

are you selling him, so cheap?"

 

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do

any of that chit"

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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Due to the severe budget crisis in California, Gov. Gray Davis is proposing to combine the Highway Patrol and the Dept. of Fish and Game into a single agency.

 

He's going to call it the Dept. of Fish and CHiPs.

 

========================================

Friends don't let Friends geocache drunk.

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Quote: "Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you?'"

To add to the clown humor...

What did the clown say when the fire marshal asked him about the cicus fire?

-It was in tents (intense)

Okay, a joke that is somewhat related to geocaching:

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a 1.39, deer nuts are under a buck.

 

elifish

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There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong.

 

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

 

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, "Are these yours?"

 

"No, they're not mine," the boy shook his head.

 

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

 

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

 

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

 

 

Duane

Upinyachit

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Our feet go where the caches are! feet.gif

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A pitiful ragged man enters a saloon in the old west. Walks accross the scarred wood floor to the long bar with the brass foot rail and the traditional spittoon at the end.

 

He pulls himself up between two cowboys and says to the bartender: "man, I really need a drink, I anint got no money but I will do ANYTHING you say iffn you will just give me a drink."

 

Thinking he might provide some entertainment for the paying customers the bartender says:

"Well ok but you gotta do what I say, Then you get the drink.........You see the spittoon at the end of the bar?"

 

"Uhhhhh you mean the one that is full to the top, that hasnt been emptied in a week? The drunk mumbled.

 

"Yep......Thats the one. You Take ONE drink from that spittoon and I'll give you your drink."

 

The drunk thinks a minute, then the craving for the whiskey overcame him, He picked up the container with its quivering contents and........starts drinking, He continues without pause lifting the spittoon up and draining it completely.He throws the brass container accross the room and gasping for breath turns to the bar.

 

He grabs a bottle from the bartender and takes a long pull.

 

"dadgum MAN !" ,,,,,,,,,said the bartender."I only said to take ONE swallow from the spittoon. WHY did you drink it all ?"

 

The drunk explained " I couldn't hep it......IT WAS ALL IN ONE LONG STRING !"

icon_biggrin.gificon_mad.gificon_frown.gif

copchase.gif

 

quote:
The older I get the more I ask "WHY DID I DO THAT ?"

 

OLDFRED

[

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but

it was very hard work.

 

His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.

 

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

 

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my

potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden

plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig

the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Dad,

For heavens sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the

BODIES.

Love,

Bubba

 

At 4 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up

the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man

and left.

 

That same day the old man recieved another letter from his sonl

 

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the

circumstances.

Love,

Bubba

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but

it was very hard work.

 

His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.

 

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

 

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my

potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden

plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig

the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Dad,

For heavens sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the

BODIES.

Love,

Bubba

 

At 4 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up

the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man

and left.

 

That same day the old man recieved another letter from his sonl

 

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the

circumstances.

Love,

Bubba

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