shrekTBA Posted November 13, 2002 Share Posted November 13, 2002 I had to follow up on the what the guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves (russell) Do you know what the same guy 2 weeks later is? Pete. It's not a sport unless there is something dead in the back of the truck when you get home. Link to comment
Broncoholics Posted November 14, 2002 Author Share Posted November 14, 2002 Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street. Mamma tomato, Papa tomato and Baby tomato. Papa tomato looks back and notices Baby tomato way behind. Papa tomato turns around and stomps on Baby tomato and says... Catch up! *credit* "Pulp Fiction" Our feet go where the caches are! Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 No eye deer! (No idea) Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 Still no eye deer! Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Pharisee Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 A girl comes skipping home from school and shouts "Mummy, Mummy, today we did counting and all the other kids only got up to 5, but I got up to 10....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. That's good isn't it, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is." "Is that because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is." The next day the girl comes skipping home and screams, "Mummy, Mummy, today we did the alphabet and all the other kids only got to D but I got up to G..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G. That's good isn't it, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is." "Is that because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is." The following day the girl comes skipping home and says "Mummy, Mummy, today we did gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I have these!" At this point the girl pulls up her top revealing a pair of amazing 36C breasts. "That's good isn't it, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is," replied a slightly embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No, dear, it's because you're 25!" To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Link to comment
targetdrone Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 quote:Originally posted by The Pharisee: To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. And the Geocachers says, "Who drank half of my water?!" Don't blame me, I voted for Jeremy. Link to comment
Tahosa and Sons Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 The Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened,apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frightem him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm very sorry. It's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years. Tahosa - Dweller of the Mountain Tops. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 Maybe you've seen it. hope none of us are this stupid. click here for a laugh Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor, and made the web department take it down immediately. For once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too.... ----------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. >> 1. >> [_] Mr. >> [_] Mrs. >> [_] Ms. >> [_] Miss >> [_] Lt. >> [_] Gen. >> [_] Comrade >> [_] Classified >> [_] Other >> >> First Name: ................................ >> Initial: ........ >> Last Name: .................................. >> Password: ............................. (max. 8 char) >> Code Name:.................................. >> Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ... >> >> 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? >> >> [_] F-14 Tomcat >> [_] F-15 Eagle >> [_] F-16 Falcon >> [_] F-117A Stealth >> [_] Classified >> >> 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....../......./...... >> >> 4. Serial Number:......................................... >> >> 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: >> >> [_] Received as gift / aid package >> [_] Catalogue / showroom >> [_] Independent arms broker >> [_] Mail order >> [_] Discount store >> [_] Government surplus >> [_] Classified >> >> 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product >> you have just purchased: >> >> [_] Heard loud noise, looked up >> [_] Store display >> [_] Espionage >> [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally >> [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer >> [_] Was attacked by one >> >> 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: >> >> [_] Style / appearance >> [_] Speed / maneuverability >> [_] Price / value >> [_] Comfort / convenience >> [_] Kickback / bribe >> [_] Recommended by salesperson >> [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation >> [_] Advanced Weapons Systems >> [_] Backroom politics >> [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat >> >> 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: >> >> [_] North America >> [_] Iraq >> [_] Iran >> [_] Aircraft carrier >> [_] Iraq >> [_] Europe >> [_] Iraq >> [_] Middle East (not Iraq) >> [_] Iraq >> [_] Africa >> [_] Iraq >> [_] Asia / Far East >> [_] Iraq >> [_] Misc. Third World countries >> [_] Iraq >> [_] Classified >> [_] Iraq >> >> 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: >> >> [_] Color TV >> [_] VCR >> [_] ICBM >> [_] Killer Satellite >> [_] CD Player >> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles >> [_] Space Shuttle >> [_] Home Computer >> [_] Nuclear Weapon >> >> 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply) >> >> [_] Communist / Socialist >> [_] Terrorist >> [_] Crazed >> [_] Neutral >> [_] Democratic >> [_] Dictatorship >> [_] Corrupt >> [_] Primitive / Tribal >> >> 11. 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To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: >> >> [_] Golf >> [_] Boating / sailing >> [_] Sabotage >> [_] Running / jogging >> [_] Propaganda / misinformation >> [_] Destabilization / overthrow >> [_] Default on loans >> [_] Gardening >> [_] Crafts >> [_] Black market / smuggling >> [_] Collectibles / collections >> [_] Watching sports on TV >> [_] Wines >> [_] Interrogation / torture >> [_] Household pets >> [_] Crushing rebellions >> [_] Espionage / reconnaissance >> [_] Fashion clothing >> [_] Border disputes >> [_] Mutually Assured Destruction >> Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! >> Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: >> McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION >> Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division >> >> IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this mail, although he company president says the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time... Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 > Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent > over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill > herself and join him in death. > > Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his > old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it > was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ > and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's > office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. > > On a woman, the doctor said, your heart would be just below your left breast. > Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound > to her knee. Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+leatherman Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, "Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!" Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, "YOU'RE ON!" So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. "WOW," screamed the 2nd guy, "That was incredible. Do it again!" So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. "That is remarkable. Do it one more time!" "Ok," said the first guy, "But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it." The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. "Your turn," he said. So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. "This is easy. He did it, so can I!" The much-pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly, the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer. The bartender remarked, "You're a mean drunk Superman!" If you do not extend your expectations unto others, you will not be disappointed by the stupid things they do. Mokita! Link to comment
+leatherman Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 She was so blonde.... 1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. 2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. 3. Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit in the typewriter. 4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months and the box said "two to four years." 5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. 6. Couldn't call 911 because she couldn't find an "11" on any phone button. 7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C." 8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries. 9. Baked a turkey for five days because the instructions said one hour per pound and she weighed 125. 10. Couldn't make Kool-Aid because eight cups of water won't fit into those little packets. 11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel. 12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree. 13. Changed the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds." If you do not extend your expectations unto others, you will not be disappointed by the stupid things they do. Mokita! Link to comment
+leatherman Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener." If you do not extend your expectations unto others, you will not be disappointed by the stupid things they do. Mokita! Link to comment
+Zephyrus Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 quote:Originally posted by upinyachit:Here's one............. The World's Funniest Joke - Official In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings. More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries, and two million critiques later, this is it: "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?" Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 This was an actual letter sent from the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. The guy's response is entertaining. SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RESPONSE Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. Price Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the Stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - of course they obviously will not pay any attention to any dam letter as they are unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.) So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our dam woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Sincerely, Stephen L.******* Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 NOAH NEEDS A PERMIT! And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. "When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. "Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a map. "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. "I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational watercraft. "Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy theearth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
tahoeberne Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 A man gets a call that his friend is in the hospital with a gunshot wound in his butt. While visiting his wounded friend in the hospital, the man asks, “How the hect did you get shot in the butt?” The wounded friend replies, “Don’t tell anyone, but I was getting it on with a married woman in her bedroom, and wouldn’t you know it, her husband shows up and surprises us by busting into the bedroom—-catching us getting down and dirty. Then he pulls a gun on us and fires off a shot, and since I was on top of her, the bullet him me first right in the butt." The man says,”Jesus, that’s horrible. You are one unlucky guy.” The wounded man replies, “Actually, I am very lucky. You see if that woman’s husband would have busted into the room ten seconds earlier, I would have been shot in the head.” David Berne Who DID put Ram in Rama-lama-ding-dong? Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 Why stick people are extinct: http://www.teamhouse.tni.net/stickpeople1.html Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet." This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door. 4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't findprinter". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." 9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a "P". Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "P" on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that." Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 14, 2002 Share Posted November 14, 2002 A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free candle." The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free box of matzoh balls." The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while, they send us a little prick like you." Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
Broncoholics Posted November 15, 2002 Author Share Posted November 15, 2002 Knock knock... Who's there? Duane... Duane who? Duane the baftub, I'm dwowning! LOLOLOLOLOLOL My hubby has heard this one ALL his life! Hee hee! Wait til he sees this one! Ha ha ha ha! Our feet go where the caches are! Link to comment
+Pharisee Posted November 15, 2002 Share Posted November 15, 2002 Three mice having a drink at the bar: The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bollocks. I gotta get home and shag the cat." ************************************************* To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Link to comment
trinigen Posted November 15, 2002 Share Posted November 15, 2002 Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk." -Thank you folks, you've been great. I'll be here all week! b Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 15, 2002 Share Posted November 15, 2002 The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed and the towns-people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until unfortunately the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor. "$h1t," said the hypnotist. It took us three weeks to clean up the town hall! Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
MACpa Posted November 15, 2002 Share Posted November 15, 2002 Mr. Adel al-Jubeir, foreign policy advisor to Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, met with President Bush at his Crawford Texas Ranch last week to discuss U.S. policy in the Middle East. Before departing, Adel asked the president, "You know, I have just one last question." President Bush responded, "Please ask it -- anything I can do to help, I will do." Adel whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Americans, Russians, Czechs, Scots, French -- even Blacks and Asians and people from all over the universe -- but there are never any Arabs. My son doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs heartily and whispers back to Adel, "It's because it takes place in the future...!" Link to comment
+The Cheeseheads Posted November 15, 2002 Share Posted November 15, 2002 After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter,a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day, at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate,and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife, whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen: Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in.Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband. P.S. Things are not as we thought.You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here. - - - - - Wisconsin Geocaching Association Link to comment
+mrmom Posted November 15, 2002 Share Posted November 15, 2002 On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years. "The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. Life has now been explained. Geonavigating since 1991 Link to comment
ThatRoyGuy Posted November 15, 2002 Share Posted November 15, 2002 quote:Originally posted by BrianSnat:"Heck, I'm telling everyone!" Best one yet! How about... Two guys are driving along, and the guy that's driving notices he's getting low on gas. He's about to pull into a gas station when his friend says, "No, don't stop here, there's another gas station about a mile up where you get free sex with a fill-up." Sure enough, when they come up to the next gas station, there's a big sign outside saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." They pull in, the attendant comes over, and the driver says, "Fill 'er up." After the attendant starts pumping the gas, he comes back and the driver asks, "What's this about the free sex?" "Well, it's a little gimick we have. I think of a number between 1 and 10, and if you guess it, you get free sex." So the driver says, "OK, I'll guess '5'" "Nope, sorry the number was '2'" Then his friend says, "My turn, my turn...'7'" "Nope, sorry the number was '9'" So they get their gas, pull away, and the driver says, "Why did you send me here? That is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!" And his friend says, "No, no, it's legit. My wife gets gas here all the time and she won three times last week!" (Thanks to the one and only Soupy Sales). ---------- "No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up." - Lily Tomlin Link to comment
The Artful Dodger Posted November 15, 2002 Share Posted November 15, 2002 Hey, its Friday, anything for a smile ... http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf Link to comment
Broncoholics Posted November 16, 2002 Author Share Posted November 16, 2002 They were two of the biggest balls I had ever seen! They hung so heavy and low. I tried lifting them gently, but that wasn't enough. They had to be pulled, and I pulled on them very very hard. They finally came. I moved them to a higher spot on the Christmas tree. Candie Upinyachit Our feet go where the caches are! Link to comment
+rbrtwntr Posted November 16, 2002 Share Posted November 16, 2002 Here about the guy that didn't know the difference between incest and arson???? Set fire to his sister. Link to comment
+Rebel Posted November 16, 2002 Share Posted November 16, 2002 http://opentopic.Groundspeak.com/0/OpenTopic?a=tpc&s=1750973553&f=3000917383&m=9390932935&r=9390932935#9390932935 Link to comment
Broncoholics Posted November 17, 2002 Author Share Posted November 17, 2002 "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." Duane Upinyachit Our feet go where the caches are! Link to comment
+briansnat Posted November 17, 2002 Share Posted November 17, 2002 Two mobsters are sitting in a bar having dinner, when one clutches his chest and collapses. The other mobster immediately calls 911 and says "I think my friend is dead". The operator says "Relax, I can help you. First, could you go and make sure he's dead". The operator hears several seconds of silence, then a gunshot. The operator then hears the guy pick up the phone and say "OK, now what?" "You can't make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs, but by standing a flock of sheep in that position, you can make a crowd of men" -Max Beerbohm [This message was edited by BrianSnat on November 17, 2002 at 01:20 PM.] Link to comment
Lyra Posted November 17, 2002 Share Posted November 17, 2002 Three ropes were walking down the street one stifling hot day. One of them suggests that they go get a beer. The other two, thinking it was a great idea, replied, "Hey! That's a great idea!" They go into a pub and sit down. "Bartender, three beers please." The bartender eyes them warily and asks, "Are you guys ropes?" "Yes," they answer. "I'm sorry," says the bartender, "We don't serve ropes here. You're going to have to go somewhere else." Befuddled by their treatment, the ropes go into a different bar and order three beers. The bartender looks at them closely and asks, "You guys are ropes, aren't you?" "Yes," they reply. "You're going to have to go elsewhere." says the bartender, "We don't serve your kind here." Dismayed, they leave. As they're walking out, one of the ropes says, "Guys, I've got an idea. It may sound strange, but if we tie ourselves into a big knot and fray all of our ends, maybe we can get a beer." The others agree and they tie themselves into a big knot, then fray all their loose ends. They go into yet another bar and order three beers. The bartender looks at them curiously for a minute, then asks, "Are you guys ropes?" They reply, "No. We're a frayed knot!" Always wear proper caching safety equipment! Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 17, 2002 Share Posted November 17, 2002 "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Just how big were those two beers?" "In God we trust, all others are suspects." Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
Broncoholics Posted November 18, 2002 Author Share Posted November 18, 2002 One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon: Demon: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequilai Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it's okay... you're already dead anyway! Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead anyway! Guy: No ****! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table. Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before... Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead anyway! Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place! Demon: You gay? Guy: Uh, no. Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays... Our feet go where the caches are! Link to comment
+The Cheeseheads Posted November 18, 2002 Share Posted November 18, 2002 A man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, he meets Satan who explains that he can choose how he wants to spend all eternity. He led the man to a door. Peeking inside, he saw hell as he'd always imagined it. Flames everywhere, people withering in the heat, etc. The man said that that didn't look so good, so Satan led him to a second door. Opening that, he saw a frigid Arctic scene. The wind was blowing, ice was falling and people were shivering from the cold. The man didn't like that one either. Satan led him to the third and final door. Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement, but sipping coffee and munching on donuts. Well, he thought, at least the temperature is normal, and maybe with the coffee and donuts, he could get used to the smell. "Okay," he said, "I'll take this one." He then waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door. A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "OK everyone, break's over, back on your heads!" - - - - - Wisconsin Geocaching Association Link to comment
Broncoholics Posted November 21, 2002 Author Share Posted November 21, 2002 It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" Duane Upinyachit Our feet go where the caches are! Link to comment
Broncoholics Posted November 21, 2002 Author Share Posted November 21, 2002 I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... - she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." - she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. - she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. - she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. Our feet go where the caches are! Link to comment
umc Posted November 21, 2002 Share Posted November 21, 2002 A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were: 1) A Woman 2) A Donkey 3) A Shovel 4) A Fish 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads 'Holy mackerel dig the *** on that woman' ". I guess it's "all in the eyes of the beholder". ______________________________________________________________________________________ Not so sure, Somewhat new Owner Of a Garmin GPS V Received on 10-03-02 Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 21, 2002 Share Posted November 21, 2002 One night a state trooper parks his vehicle outside the local bar where the parking lot is full. Shortly before 2 AM a man staggers out into the parking lot. He pulls out his keys, and drops them. Picking them up he proceeds to try his keys in 5 different cars before he finds the right one. He gets in and tries the lights, the wipers the horn, the blinkers, turns the car on pulls forward a bit, turns the car off. He waits a while. The trooper is really ready to get this guy if he takes off in this condition. A few patrons leave the bar and the trooper waits, watching for the drunk to make his move. The guy starts the car up again and backs up a bit then turns the car off. Now and again a few more patrons leave the bar until this drunk is the last one in the parking lot. At this point he starts the car and pulls away from the bar. The trooper pulls out also and gets behind the guy and turns on his lights and siren. The guy pulls over and the trooper makes him walk the line, touch his nose, the whole nine yards of the "drunk test" and he seems perfectly sober. The trooper gives him a breathalyzer test and it comes out zero. The trooper gets irritated and says buddy you're coming with me down to the station, this testing equipment is broken. The guy says "No it's not. I'm the designated drunk." Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 22, 2002 Share Posted November 22, 2002 HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman (We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Mopar Posted November 22, 2002 Share Posted November 22, 2002 An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way." Tae-Kwon-Leap is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon. Link to comment
Lyra Posted November 22, 2002 Share Posted November 22, 2002 The senior monk, as a display of peity to the younger monks in his monestary, announces that he's going to sequester himself in his study and translate a great portion of the Bible from its original Aramaic. He shuts the door and no one sees him for three or four weeks. One day, one of the younger monks passes by his study and hears the elder monk weeping through the door. The younger monk knocks on the door, but only hears more weeping in response. He knocks again, with the same result. Finally, he opens the door and sees the senior monk crying over the original text of the bible. The younger monk asks, "What's the matter, Father?" The older monk looks up, and through his tears says, "It was CELEBRATE!" Always wear proper caching safety equipment! Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 22, 2002 Share Posted November 22, 2002 English Test A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family. But, other than that, you WILL take the test!" A smart-*** jock in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class explodes in laughter. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write with your other hand." Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 22, 2002 Share Posted November 22, 2002 English Test A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family. But, other than that, you WILL take the test!" A smart-*** jock in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class explodes in laughter. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write with your other hand." Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 22, 2002 Share Posted November 22, 2002 A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstral cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved into his temple. Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Planet Posted November 22, 2002 Share Posted November 22, 2002 http://koti.mbnet.fi/~soldier/towboat.htm Cache you later, Planet Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Link to comment
+Big Tom Posted November 22, 2002 Share Posted November 22, 2002 Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Cause they have big fingers! Sorry Big Tom Link to comment
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