NEW GEOCOIN: The Celtic Compass

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

He's Dublin over with laughter!!

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

He's Dublin over with laughter!!

[+Mad Dawgg]

Two English gentlemen frequented an Irish pub. Over the years one of the gentlemen noticed a couple of old drunks would be sitting across from them on the other side of the bar. The two English gentlemen would joke with the bartender Patrick and regale him with many "Irish" jokes. Patrick took it all in good stride always giving them excellent service. One Saturday night the two English gentlemen were in rare form telling all sorts of Irish jokes louder and louder till the other patrons (mostly Irish) were starting to notice.

 

Patrick the bartender not wanting any fights in his bar told the two English gentlemen to settle down and lay off the jokes. The two English gents being well into their cups immediately told another joke and the bar grew very quiet. Realizing they were about to get a good Irish thrashing, one of the two Englishmen decided to try an defuse the situation so he casually pointed to the two old drunks he had seen so many times sitting across from the bar from them and said to Patrick in a loud voice" See those two old drunks sitting over there? That's us in ten years (pointing to himself and the other English gent)

 

Patrick the bartender said with a big grin on his face and loud so the whole bar could hear. "That's a mirror Dumb A**!!!"

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?

Someone who tells a stupid Irish joke.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Hot Pepper Crew

[+GATOULIS]

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.

 

"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.

 

"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.

 

"Ah, praise The Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture!

[+N2Wild]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

 

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

 

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

 

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

 

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

 

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

[+GATOULIS]

Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

 

The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'. Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk.

 

After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

[+GATOULIS]

Dave and Peter, two English men, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window:

 

Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

 

Peter says to Dave, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'

 

They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'

 

Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'

 

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners...'

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden,

but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

 

Dear Father,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them BODIES!

Love, Mick

 

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local Gardai showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any

bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

 

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

 

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the Circumstances.

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

An irishman wants a job but the foreman wont hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here is your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says "Dats easy" and proceeds to draw three trees!

"What's this?" asks the boss.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough" says the boss, "Here's your second question, use the same rules but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now, so it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree, dats 99."

"All right, last question, same rules apply again but this time represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into speace some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go, one `undred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says "A little dog came along and crapped under each tree, so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd which makes a `undred. When do i start?"

[+jpbarr]

These are really making me laugh, keep it up we have time yet to enter the cointest. lets have a few more contestants

[+LadyBee4T]

My Two Brothers

 

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

 

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

 

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

 

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

 

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.

He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

 

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Ireland when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk and while resuming the journey the woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband." The woman was silent for a moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder she said: "Good trade."

[+GATOULIS]

Three Irishmen are adrift at sea. They are terribly thirsty. Suddenly a mermaid comes up and says "Ill shall grant you one wish." Without thinking one of the Irishman says " I want you to turn the sea to Guiness." The mermaid said. "Let it be done" And so the sea was turned to Guiness.

 

So... the Irish who made the wish said... "wasn't that great? we can drink now as much as we want!"

 

Then one of the other Irishman said "Yea...Brilliant..,and where we gonna piss now??"

[+TimFrom01876]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

 

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

 

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

 

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

 

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

 

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

 

LMAO This one gets my vote.....or would if voting were allowed ;o)

 

I reserved my coin today. Love the design! Great job!

[+LadyBee4T]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

 

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

 

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

[+GATOULIS]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied,

"When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves."

So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

 

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

 

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a**.

 

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as

Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

 

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.

 

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say

"He was stoned off his a**."

 

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

 

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this

and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."

 

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

 

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks

for the grub, yea God"

 

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's,

not a Patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

It was England v. Ireland at Wembley. It was at that very match when the two Clancy brothers approached the turnstile."How much is it?" asked Michael "Twenty pounds." said the ticket-seller. "Well, I've only got one eye and so I'm only paying ten!"And, wonder of wonders, the man let him in. "And I'm only paying ten pounds." said Owen."Hang on," said the ticket seller, 'you've got two eyes!" "Yes," said Owen, "but I've only come to see Ireland."

[+GATOULIS]

A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.

"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."

"You've Thinned?"

"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."

"Will that wash away me Thin?"

"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."

:laughing: :laughing:

[+N2Wild]

Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

 

"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"

 

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"

[+LadyBee4T]

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. Digging a hole joke

 

'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

 

'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

[+GATOULIS]

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.

He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."

The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."

The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

"Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father."

"No."

"Was it Rosie Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"

"No."

"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness."

"No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

[+LadyBee4T]

The Irish Funeral

 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

 

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.

 

"He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

 

"Can I borrow the dog?" he man replied, "Get in line."

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

Seamus O'Brien had been hailed as the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver'. It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He did, and won a place. On the evening of the competition, Seamus walks on stage, sits down and makes himself comfortable. The lights dim and a spotlight shines on his face. Magnus, the emcee, proceeds: "Seamus, what subject are you studying?" Seamus responds, "Irish history". "Very well," says Magnus, "your first question - in what year did the 'Easter Rising take place?" "Pass," says Seamus. "Okay," says Magnus, "Who was the leader of the Easter Rising?" Seamus responds,"Pass." "Well then," says Magnus, "how long did the Easter Rising last?" Again, Seamus responds, "Pass." Instantly, a voice from the audience shouts out: "Good man, Seamus - tell the English nothing..."

[+blackhorse221]

Enough of the Irish drinking jokes! Here's one that I heard in the Army years ago. I had to refresh my memory a little with the help of the almighty Google.

 

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

 

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

 

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied rather amused, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

 

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

 

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

 

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

 

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you..' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

 

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

 

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy, beside himself with laughter. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no dadgum way we can feed 200,000 prisoners!

 

Okay, so there was a little drinking in there.

 

Edit: I didn't write "dadgum," but apparently the board software did a little substitution.

Edited July 23, 2012 by blackhorse221

[+GATOULIS]

Three Irish guys go into a pub, have a few pints and are ready to leave and pay their tab. The bar back brings them a bill for exactly £30.00. Each guy gives him a tenner, and they leave.

 

When the bar back hands the £30.00 to the bartender, he is told a mistake was made. The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The bartender gives the bar back five £1.00 notes and tells him to take it back to the 3 Irish guys.

 

On their way out of the pub, the bar back has a thought... these guys did not give him a tip.

He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two pounds for himself and give them back three pounds.

 

OK! So far so good!

 

He taps one of the guys on the shoulder and explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three pounds, then departs with his two-pound tip in his pocket.

 

Now the fun begins!

 

Remember £30-£25=£5 Right? £5-£3=£2 Right?

So what's the problem?

All is well, right?

Not quite? Answer this:

Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each.

They each got back £1.00 in change.

That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three is £27.00.

The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip.

£27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00.

 

Where the heck is the other pound?????????? :laughing:

[+LadyBee4T]

John was born and raised as a Protestant, but grew up to do the worst thing he could do. That's right, he married a lovely Papist (Catholic) girl named Mary. Of course, to do so, he had to go to the vestry and take instruction and convert to Catholicism. John and Mary were happy newlyweds, but John did have some difficulty getting used to thinking of himself as a Catholic. He went to see Father Casey, the priest who married them, at the vestry, for some advice.

 

Father Casey hadn't seen this problem before, and was at a bit of a loss. He suggested that John simply repeat to himself, as often as possible, "You're a Catholic, not a Protestant." So John walked all the way home, muttering to himself, "You're a Catholic, not a Protestant; you're a Catholic, not a Protestant;you're a Catholic, not a Protestant; you're a Catholic, not a Protestant."

 

That Friday evening, Father Casey made his rounds to greet some of the Parish families. When he got to John and Mary's cottage, he thought he smelled something, and became curious, so he knocked on the door.

 

Mary greeted him fondly, invited him in, and returned to her chair and resumed her knitting. Before he took a seat, Father Casey asked, "Mary, where's John this fine evening?" Mary answered, "Oh, Father, he's in the kitchen, just over there. Go on through and say hello."

 

By this time, Father Casey was certain he was smelling a smell that no Catholic family's house should smell of on a Friday night (meat!). Sure enough, he went through to the kitchen and found John, standing over a steak on the pan on the stove. As he spooned the sauce over it, he was heard to repeat:

 

"You're a trout, not a steak; you're a trout, not a steak; you're a trout, not a steak."

[+GATOULIS]

Ok... here is one... it is a little big... but I hope you will like it...

 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

 

 

The owner c omes over and asks if he can help them.

 

 

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

 

 

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

 

 

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

 

 

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

 

 

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

 

 

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

 

 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

 

 

 

THERE'S MORE...

 

 

 

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

 

 

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

 

 

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

 

 

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

 

 

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

 

 

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

 

 

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

 

 

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

 

 

 

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

 

 

 

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

 

 

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

 

 

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

 

 

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

 

 

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

 

 

:laughing: :laughing:

[+LadyBee4T]

Has this one been posted yet?

 

A US police officer was on exchange in County Tipperary in Ireland with the Garda as part of a new law enforcement program between the two countries. One day the sergeant informed him they’d be stopping cars looking for suspicious characters.

 

The day was going along with nothing to report until an older man pulled up in a small Ford van. He seemed agitated and the American officer was immediately suspicious.

 

“Where are you travelling to today?” asked the officer. The older man angrily mumbled something the officer couldn’t understand and tightened his hands on the wheel. The alarm bells went off in the officer’s head and he reached for his baton, backing away from the car and saying,

 

“Sir, I can’t understand you – could you please step out of the vehicle.” At this the man became quite angry and turned to the officer, yelling at him,

 

“I SAID I’ve just come from KILLING A MAN and now I’m off to KILL A BOY!! Now feck off and let me on with me business!!”

 

The officer immediately arrested the older man on suspicion of murder and brought him in for questioning. Instead of the praise he expected, the Irish garda sergeant uncuffed the suspect as soon as he saw him and, after just a few words, let him go with an apology before sternly taking the American officer aside.

 

“That man is Paddy O’Loughlin,” said the sergeant, “he’s well known to ourselves, runs a local delivery business – he’s harmless.”

 

“But – what about his confession to murder?!” protested the yankee officer. The sergeant hefted a tired sigh.

 

“Paddy might not be a very polite man – and he shouldn’t have yelled at you – but you really need to learn the names of the local areas here.” The sergeant then pointed to a map on the wall where the American saw his mistake.

 

The American officer had stopped Paddy directly on his daily route between Kilnaman and Killaboy, County Tipperary.

[+LadyBee4T]

I'm off for a few days so this could be my last joke. I hope no one else has told this one either.

 

Even though O'Malley was a licensed scuba diver, he finally got an answer to a question that had annoyed him for decades.

 

Here it is.

 

Harold, an American tourist, asked his friend Murphy, 'Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?'

 

To which Murphy replies, 'If they fell forwards they'd still be in the flippin' boat.'

[+GATOULIS]

An Englishman and an Irishman were speaking sitting in a park bench when a horrible, ugly looking and nasty dog passed by.

 

The Irishman said: "I wonder what breed of dog that is".

 

Englishman: "It's a cross between a pig and an Irishman".

 

Irishman: "Well then, it's related to both of us".

[+GATOULIS]

Paddy and Murphy went to a bar and got drunk.

Paddy: Your glass is empty. Do you want another one?

Murphy: Why the hell would I want another empty glass???

[+scificollector]

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders a drink. He strikes up a conversation with the bartender and eventually asks, "You a betting man?" The bartender replies, "Depends on the bet." Grinning, the Irishman says, "I will bet you 50 pounds sterling I can lick my left eyeball." The bartender looks at the Irishman closely and the Irishman seems like normal bloke so he says, "Sure, I'll take the bet". The Irishman proceeds to take his glass eye out, lick it and stick it back in. Grumbling, the bartender pays up when the Irishman says, "If you like, I've got a another bet for you, double or nothing." "Let me hear it then and I will decide", said the bartender. The Irishman says, "I bet that I can bite my right eye with my teeth.". The Bartender pondered for a bit. He knew that the Irishman wasn't blind as he watched him walk in so he couldn't pull the same trick as before. Reluctantly he agrees to the bet. The Irishman pops out his dentures and gently uses them to bite his right eye. Furiously the Bartender knew he was had again and pays up and walks away from the Irishman. The Irishman knows when to try his luck elsewhere so he wanders over to another part of the bar and starts talking to some other patrons. About an hour later, the Bartender was approached by the Irishman again. The Irishman seemed very remorseful and tells the bartender, "Hey I'm sorry about taking advantage of you and I would like to make it up to you. How about another bet? I bet that I can pee into a mug 30 feet away without spilling a drop." Knowing there was no way physically a person could do that, the bartender rubbed his hands together and agreed to the terms. The Irishman starts to pee nearly everywhere including all over the bartender not even getting close to the mug at the opposite end of the bar. The bartender chortles and laughs and tells the Irishman, "I got you this time!! Pay up!". The Irishman gladly pays back all of the money that he won from the bartender and turns to go back to the patrons that he was talking to earlier. The bartender stops him and asks him, "Why did you choose that bet? It's impossible to do. You didn't have a chance.". The Irishman grins and says, "I bet those blokes over there 500 pounds that I could pee all over you and your bar and you would be happy about it."

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

Finally back from camping and have regular Internet again, so back to the jokes!

 

Three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in a bar.

"Watch this" says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I here that St. Patrick was a shift lifter."

"Really?" says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and here he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser" says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman. "Hey, did you know St. Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

An old man in Dublin calls his son in New York right before Christmas and says, "Son, I 'm sorry, but I have to tell you that after 45 years of misery, your mother and I are busting up. " "Da, what are you talking about?" the son yells in disbelief. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're leaving each other!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Dublin immediately and screams at her father, "You are not splitting up. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Well then," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!"

[+GATOULIS]

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'

 

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

 

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?' He tries.

 

The two continue to stare.

 

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

 

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

 

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

 

'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

An Irishman by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

 

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

 

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."

[+GATOULIS]

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

 

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

 

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

 

"He must have had something in his hand."

 

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

 

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

 

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

[+jpbarr]

We really are getting some great jokes but guy lets keep it clean please as this is a family show

[+jpbarr]

We really are getting some great jokes but guys lets keep it clean please as this is a family show

[+GATOULIS]

Oh sorry... was my joke too spicy? shall I remove it and place an other one? I can still do that! I do not know if this can be done later.. but if I have your ok...

[+GATOULIS]

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

 

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

 

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

 

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

 

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

 

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

 

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

[+GATOULIS]

A young Irish boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me Grandad."

"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now"

"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise."

"No, I don't want to."

"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise.

"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"

"Mom says when you croak we can have this house"

 

!!!!!! :laughing:

[+SgtMikal]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

 

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

 

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

 

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

 

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

 

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[+GATOULIS]

An Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears.

 

The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn you, whatever you wish for, the other man gets twice as much of."

The German goes first. He says "I'll have a glass of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like.

So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two glasses of the same beer. The German says "Now taste a real beer, not that Guinness sewage!"

 

The genie then turns to the Irishman and says "Now it's your turn, but remember the German will get twice what you wish for."

The Irishman says "Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

[+GATOULIS]

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they're always a little short.

[+Hot Pepper Crew]

An American had been fishing in Ireland for two weeks without getting a bite. On the last day of his vacation he caught a small salmon.

"Seemus," he said to his gillie as the fish was gaffed, "that salmon cost me five hundred dollars."

"Well now sir," comforted Seemus, "aren't you the lucky man you didn't catch two!"

[+GATOULIS]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/worldjokes/irelandjokes.html

[+LadyBee4T]

I haven't read all of these so I hope that I'm not repeating any...

 

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

 

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'

 

'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'

'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

 

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

 

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'