Funniest thing that's ever happened to you geocaching

[+Sol seaker]

I used to read these forums because they made me laugh so hard.

 

I think we've all been getting way too serious here.

 

A friend told me the story of her chickens that sounds like us sometimes.

 

Sometimes someone writes in about something, often cheating in geocaching, or something similar, and the result is the same.

 

She says sometimes one of her chickens decides it's going to sit in the same nest as another and sits on top of the first.

The first chicken clucks at it, complaining. Then it clucks some more.

Then soon every chicken in the whole chicken house is clucking and making noises of complaints.

 

Soon they start to settle down. Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck. Until finally the last one looks around and makes a noise like,

 

"So what was that all about?"

 

What is it all about indeed.

This is about what funny has happened to you while geocaching, or something funny you have read on the forums.

[knowschad]

I know... I know... That's why I miss Auntie Weasel so much.

[+bittsen]

The funniest thing that happened to me happened Sunday night.

 

I never told "the Rest of the Story" about the climb up the dormant volcano.

 

After we had signed the cache log and realized that the road was a mere 30 or so feet above us, we decided to take the road back to the geovan. Started walking down the road and then looked at the GPS and surmsed that it would take us a LOT longer to walk the road all the way back to the ride than to just go back down the side of the hill that we came up. After all, we would have gravity on our side, right?

 

The way down was a bit more slippery than the way up. Wearing running shoes while brush climbing isn't the best idea in the world but it was the hand I was playing.

Going like a chimpanzee holding onto saplings and limbs to keep from falling down on the muddy "path" I got to a point where there just wasn't anything to hold onto, and yes, I tried it anyhow and , yes, I went right down on my backside and slid 15 feet or so till my foot caught a bump. I was able to regain my footing but my pride was a little, um, bruised.

I opted to finish the descent, abandoning the muddy "trail" and headed back into the foliage for a little better footing. Worked like a charm. I was able to get to about 20 feet of the road when, yup, I slipped again, slid 10 feet and was stopped by blackberry bushes with the thorns. Luckily I stopped where I did or I would have landed right in the runoff channel. That would have hurt.

 

Now, that wasn't the funny part. I told you all that so I could tell you this.

 

My caching buddy is pretty steadfast about getting dirt in his van. Hey, it's a nice van so I understand.

So here I am with mud all over my backside and we have to come up with a plan to protect his ride. In the back of his van are some simple supplies including, baby wipes.

So, here we are in the dark in a park and me with baby wipes trying to get all this brown stuff off my butt. The motion of the cleaning of my backside struck my friend funny and we both started laughing almost hysterically.

 

If only a cop would have shown up, it would have been even funnier having to explain this to the cop.

[+Sol seaker]

I know... I know... That's why I miss Auntie Weasel so much.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your antie Weasel with us. I am new here and didn't know her. My loss.

 

Someone quoting her...

 

"A thing I learned growing up in the mountains: a woman taking a whizz facing uphill on a steep incline will neatly fill the seat of her own jeans therewith, every time. It's inevitable. It's just plain physics.

 

The amazing thing is, I didn't learn it the first time."

 

Her first post here- " Testing, testing...is this thing on?"

[knowschad]

The funniest thing that happened to me happened Sunday night.

>snip!<

Now, that wasn't the funny part.

Yes, it was.

[+BlueDeuce]

I like monkeys

[+Snoogans]

The funniest thing that ever happened to me is I almost killed myself cachin' unprepared in the desert south of Laughlin, Nevada.

 

The funniest thing I ever read in the forums was posted by JoeFrog aka Joke Frog over 5 years ago and nothing has surpassed it for me:

 

Ah, and of course...

 

I like monkeys.

 

The pet store was selling them for 5¢ each. I thought that was odd since they were normally a couple thousand dollars each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

 

I bought 200.

 

I like monkeys.

 

I took my 200 monkeys home.

 

I have a big car.

 

I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund.

 

He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals.

 

I laughed.

 

Then they punched my genitals.

 

I stopped laughing.

 

I herded them into my apartment.

 

They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.

 

They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.

 

Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

 

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died.

 

No apparent reason.

 

They all just sort of dropped dead.

 

Kinda odd like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

 

dadgum cheap monkeys.

 

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my apartment. On the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.

 

It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

 

I tried to flush one down the toilet.

 

It didn't work. It got stuck.

 

Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

 

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.

 

That worked for a while.

 

That is until they began to decompose.

 

Then it started to smell real bad.

 

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber.

 

I was embarrassed.

 

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.

 

Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds.

 

I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

 

I tried burning them.

 

Little did I know my bed was flammable.

 

I had to extinguish the fire.

 

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

 

The odor wasn't improving.

 

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys or use the bathroom.

 

I severely beat one of my monkeys.

 

I felt better.

 

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates.

 

I told him that I had a wet one.

 

He couldn't take that one either.

 

I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

 

I finally arrived at a solution.

 

I gave them out as Christmas gifts.

 

My friends didn't know quite what to say.

 

They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying.

 

Ingrates.

 

So I punched them in the genitals.

 

I like monkeys.

 

I guess I'll have to put them in a cache.

[+BlueDeuce]

The funniest thing I ever read in the forums was posted by JoeFrog aka Joke Frog over 5 years ago and nothing has surpassed it for me:

 

Ah, but I found the original Oct 10 2003, 01:29 AM version.

[+wimseyguy]

As soon as I saw the thread title I also thought of the same thing as BD and Snoogans. In fact I thought that post was sooo funny that five years ago I made a TB in honor of it. It finally reached joefrog last week, after I brought it to New Orleans two years ago.

 

Second funniest is "Why does my post say Ringbone?"

[+sseegars]

My log for a local cache, way back when in another cache life.

 

March 7, 2006 by Clan X-Man (290 found)

[it's getting dark and I have a sprained ankle. Please look for me on your way out. In the event I have expired, there is a 60CS in it for you.

 

X

 

That's my log. I think this should be upgraded 5/5 so that I will feel better about being fat lazy and out of shape. I swear to God I thought I was gonna die alone on that hill. BUT! All things considered this was a great cache. Thanks for hiding it A. Also crossed the creek without taking my shoes off or getting my feet wet, R. Awesome puzzle, awesome hide.

 

PS

You could have killed Jon and Miki, but I bet they are in better shape than three other cachers I know.]

 

X

 

It would seem that I have not been totally honest. This afternoon began with an itch, a yearning if you will. I, like all of you, felt the call of the ammo box. Sitting there in the woods, taunting me with it's od green paint like the cheap eyeshadow on a lady of the evening in Amsterdam.

 

I asked my boss if I could leave early. He had no problem with it but wanted to know why. I had to explain geocaching, again. Someone should make a shirt. What? Oh they did.

 

I got to the cache site and thought, ".20 that's not that far." As the crow flies.

 

Took off like we all do all set to find that cache. Bat out of hell. Fat on a hill was more like it. I've known that road was there since I was a kid, there at the bottom of the hill. Now I know what it feels like as well. That's one.

 

Got to the bottom of the hollow and decided that I could jump flat footed between two rocks close to each other on different sides of said creek. This was both an optical illusion and a halucination. (A;ready getting that burning in the leg muscles.)

 

It turns out I can start off flat footed AND I can land on my belly. (Can you say face plant?)

 

Now the fun starts. Up this big a** long hill. Why in Gods name would anyone want to put a box of junk up there? I mean really. Cause idiots like me will work a full day and come out to find it in bad light unprepared and out of shape.

 

Luckily there were lots of trees on the hill. I managed to pull myself up tree by tree when my legs started to give. I won't lie. I fell. You did too! Except I fell full face down out thinking I wasn't gonna make it. And I didn't care, that's how tired I was. Then I saw what I THOUGHT was a red tailed hawk. Nope, buzzard. Circling. I decided to get back on my feet.

 

After clover leafing for awhile my GPS settled down and I found the cache. Actually this new GPS has proved pretty acurate in the last few days. I think after i settled down and stopped shaking like a druggie going through withdrawals from a heroin addiction the GPS lead me right to it.

 

Nice hide. I took the two geocoins Richard left the other day to prove I was there. I'll log them later. They are in my jacket, in the truck, in the garage, and that's just to dadgum far right now.

 

This is what caching is all about. I was out here with no road noise. Just me and the wind and the trees. The sun casting long shadows as it got ready to set. I actually wasn't worried about the time. I have a really good rechargable maglite and it will light up the night like day. I was just enjoying the fact that someone can still hide a cache and leave me somewhere to sit and think about what I want to write. There was even a nice log to sit on. This is really what caching is about.

 

So anyway, rehid the cache, covered it really well. Grabbed my bag and GPS and started to make my way back down the hill. Here was my second mistake of the day. I say second cause I should have stayed at work.

 

I tripped over a vine and started to stumble. Luckily there were lots of TREES on the hill. I swear I hit at least ten. Rolled for a good fifty feet. Got up, cussed a little, started to make my way and tripped on log. Again with the tumbling. I swear two trees high fived each other, or whatever it is they do.

 

Well anyway, Made it back to the creek. Didn't try to jump again but found a nice little waterfall looking step over. There was moss. You know how that goes. Face meet ROCK. So a little scraped from that.

 

Made my way back up the hill. I swear it was a lot easier when I was a kid.

 

Made it back to the truck and sat there awhile reflecting on just how stupid we can be as cachers. I probably should have brought someone with me today and would suggest it if you are fat, lazy and out of shape like me. But you all know why we do this. Hope you enjoyed my little tail, I mean tale. Yes I think my tail bone may be broken. I am going to here it in about ten minutes when the wife gets home. BUT IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

 

X-MAN

[+Konnarock Kid & Marge]

I happened to be alone when checking out a site for an EarthCache. It's called the Blue Hole and is quite beautiful. Marge and I had been there earlier and placed a traditional cache nearby. After being bitten by the EarthCaching bug, we thought it would be a wonderful place for an EC. So after several months, I went back alone 'cause I believe Marge had some of her grand mothering duties to fulfill.

Maybe it was a good thing Marge wasn't around because after descending many of the rock steps to the waterfall, I looked down and saw a couple, shall we say, going at it! I am no prude but I have to admit, it was quite a surprise.

Why was it a surprise you may ask? After all, the young people were doing what comes naturally. The surprise was where they were doing what comes naturally. The waterfall is a very popular tourist hiking and swimming spot and there they were out in the open on a big, flat rock! Not too comfortable, but that's another story. This area is a National Forest and there are literally hundreds of acres of deep woods complete with a heavy pine needle blanket!

Being the true dyed-in-the-wool geocacher, I was determined to scout out the place and take coordinates for the new EarthCache so what did I do? I certainly didn't want to embarrass them nor let them know what I observed. So, quietly, very quietly, I went back up the rock steps and slowly made my way back down only making much more noise this time! By the time I arrived at the base of the falls and the flat rock, all was well as the couple were (happily?) viewing the local flora and fauna.

P.S. Yep, I did get the coordinates and the required photos. Get it out of your mind, the only thing I photographed were the geological aspects of the area!

P.S. No. 2 Look up our Blue Hole caches and as you read, you can imagine, "the rest of the story!"

[+9Key]

The funniest thing that ever happened to me is I almost killed myself cachin' unprepared in the desert south of Laughlin, Nevada.

 

The funniest thing I ever read in the forums was posted by JoeFrog aka Joke Frog over 5 years ago and nothing has surpassed it for me:

 

Ah, and of course...

 

I like monkeys.

 

>snip<

Now that's funny!

[+DragonsWest]

Probably funniest thing, now I look back upon it, was after hiking the South Kaibab trail into the Grand Canyon, was dropping my pack, setting up my tent and then quite knackered, looked at my GPS for the physical cache down in the canyon. Said it was only about .57 miles away, not so bad, right? Must have hiked all the way down the South Kaibab with my eyes shut and thinking it was all a straight line. Turned into a 4 mile, round trip, hike. Not a stroll, but an actual hike. Up and around, in and out, as the path wound along the Colorado River. Well, I logged it anyway.

 

Other funny, more funny 'ha ha', was a container I found hanging on a tree with a clamp on one end and a sparkplug boot on the other. Reconciling the cache container and the name of the cache I couldn't help busting out laughing. I think I laughed for an hour, ever time I thought about it. Selective humor, maybe, not too many other logs indicating they found it as riotously funny as I did.

[+skraeling]

I like monkeys

 

Now that was funny. I had tears running down my face.

[+brslk]

The funniest thing that ever happened to me is I almost killed myself cachin' unprepared in the desert south of Laughlin, Nevada.

 

The funniest thing I ever read in the forums was posted by JoeFrog aka Joke Frog over 5 years ago and nothing has surpassed it for me:

 

Ah, and of course...

 

I like monkeys.

 

The pet store was selling them for 5¢ each. I thought that was odd since they were normally a couple thousand dollars each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

 

I bought 200.

 

I like monkeys.

 

I took my 200 monkeys home.

 

I have a big car.

 

I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund.

 

He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals.

 

I laughed.

 

Then they punched my genitals.

 

I stopped laughing.

 

I herded them into my apartment.

 

They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.

 

They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.

 

Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

 

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died.

 

No apparent reason.

 

They all just sort of dropped dead.

 

Kinda odd like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

 

dadgum cheap monkeys.

 

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my apartment. On the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.

 

It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

 

I tried to flush one down the toilet.

 

It didn't work. It got stuck.

 

Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

 

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.

 

That worked for a while.

 

That is until they began to decompose.

 

Then it started to smell real bad.

 

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber.

 

I was embarrassed.

 

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.

 

Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds.

 

I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

 

I tried burning them.

 

Little did I know my bed was flammable.

 

I had to extinguish the fire.

 

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

 

The odor wasn't improving.

 

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys or use the bathroom.

 

I severely beat one of my monkeys.

 

I felt better.

 

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates.

 

I told him that I had a wet one.

 

He couldn't take that one either.

 

I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

 

I finally arrived at a solution.

 

I gave them out as Christmas gifts.

 

My friends didn't know quite what to say.

 

They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying.

 

Ingrates.

 

So I punched them in the genitals.

 

I like monkeys.

 

I guess I'll have to put them in a cache.

 

That is one of the most funny things I have ever read on the internet.. And I've read a few....

[John E Cache]

While searching for the local Caddyshack cache in a wetland, I "stepped on a duck".

[+gelfling6]

Okay, this should teach me to me aware of more things in the woods besides me...

 

More than 1/2 a year ago, someone posted a cache out in a section of woods known as Nepaug. (located between Torrington, New Hartford, & Canton, Connecticut.)

 

it hadn't been touched in close to a week. so, I took a chance.. I hiked several side bike trails tot he site of the cache.

 

On the way out, I was walking one of the logging roads, (the section of woods was being cleared to promote new growth.).. normally dead silence around me.....

 

just as I was taking a stride with the metal hiking pole I had, I heard what I initially thought was a growling sound behind me.. the area had been reported to have bears, and a few coyotes..

 

My next reaction, was letting out a loud "YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!", swung the hiking pole up in front of me, and whipped it back around to my right...

 

I stopped 4 inches from giving a mountain bike rider a mouth-full of aluminum. The sound, was him clearing his throat.

 

After apologizing, he asked "Is this the way out to the main road?", I told him according to my GPS, Route 202 was about 2/3 of a mile ahead.. still profusely apologizing for my reaction.

 

I never heard him come up behind me.. no sound what so ever. I couldn't help but laugh after he continued around the bend along the road.

 

The cache never got found for close to 2 more weeks, before the next 4 finds.. I joked in a note, "must be the reports of the psychotic Geocacher in the woods scaring people off."..

[+gelfling6]

Oh, and I did get the FTF...

[4wheelin_fool]

The funniest thing that ever happened to me is I almost killed myself cachin' unprepared in the desert south of Laughlin, Nevada.

 

The funniest thing I ever read in the forums was posted by JoeFrog aka Joke Frog over 5 years ago and nothing has surpassed it for me:

 

Ah, and of course...

 

I like monkeys.

 

>snip<

Now that's funny!

 

I thought it was funny, sort of.

 

I never noticed it when it was posted. However, at the time I was living in Ft. Lauderdale, Fl. and noticed a weird news story at the time about green vervet monkeys which were nearby in Dania Beach. They had been abandoned in the 1950s by a circus guy, and several generations had evolved since then.

 

You know you are not in New York or Chicago when the airport rent-a-car place has signs reminding customers not to feed the monkeys, which have been spied tossing mango pits at people and using trash-can tops as cymbals. In fact, Hertz is just the latest location in Dania Beach to be beset by a plague of vervets, aka green monkeys, which have been making the small city their own private urban jungle for decades... They have been known to climb into newly washed cars in the neighborhood and make a mess of their interior. They love to jump on the roofs, trampoline style

 

They would also line the street and hoot and holler in displeasure if one of them got hit by a car.

Fish and Wildlife officers say the monkeys seem to recognize their uniforms and will scamper away if they see a law officer nearby.

link

 

After it appeared in the national "weird news", someone went and captured the 100 or so monkeys and they built condos in the area.

 

Many of the older links are broken. But someone DID collect them around that time, and most likely sold them cheaply...

 

The post IS funny, but some parts of it most likely originated from an actual source...

Edited January 8, 2010 by 4wheelin_fool

[+Snoogans]

The post IS funny, but some parts of it most likely originated from an actual source...

 

Hyaaaa....ummmm I think you're reading too much into it.

 

I'm guessing Joel aka joefrog was just trying to be funny and heck there's nothing funnier than a monkey.... Well, except maybe a lemur.

 

Now this originated from/was inspired by that dead monkey post:

 

 

The Thorazine haze lifts, only briefly, and I see I'm being wheeled somewhere.

 

The monkeys were after me again for my supply of bug powder. They said they needed to inject it into their genitals for inspiration on a new version of Hamlet they were working on.

 

I told the monkeys that I was all out of bug powder, but they didn't believe me. They defecated into their hands and threw it at me. Then they began punching themselves in their genitals until they passed out.

 

The monkeys weren't the worst. It was the lemurs that really got to me......They.....

 

The haze lifts again and I feel motion. I'm in a vehicle of some sort. A helicopter, I think.....

 

 

Prosimian eyes just freak me out! The lemurs were always questioning.... questioning..... questioning.

 

They wanted the recipe for the Colonel's fried chicken and they wouldn't take no for an answer. The black one with the blue eyes kept picking at its rear, smelling its fingers and hooting for no apparent reason. The red-eyed one looked mean and I was a bit frightened by it.

 

Then the questioning resumed. NOW, they wanted an answer to the unified field theory in five minutes, or they were going to rip my lips off and eat them with honey mustard. I tried to explain that the best scientists in the world couldn't find a solution to gravity and electromagnetism at the quantum level. The blue eyed one stopped smelling its fingers and punched me in the genitals......

 

Turbulence, hushed voices, yellow lights.... I stir to reality again and see that I'm still in the helicopter. Flying. There's a large mandrill baboon strapped onto the gurney to my right......... It looks pis$ed off.

 

There's a tube running between us. My GOD! Are its fluids running into me or mine into it?!!!!! Blessed Thorazine interrupts this revelation.....

 

"Don't bogart that ant farm," said the Aye-Aye as it snatched the child's toy from me and used a modified digit to pluck out a plump worker ant.

 

 

I only had a moment to realize that I was back in my prosimian nightmare when I notice the taste of blood and the open jar of honey mustard.

 

My lower lip was a shredded mass of chewed flesh. Surprisingly it didn't hurt. After all, I WAS dreaming......

 

My red-eyed tormentor returned. This time he wanted to know the last number of Pi. I tried to say 4, but he was too smart for me. He knew that there was more.... I smart talked him and said somewhere between zero and nine. He bit my upper lip off in a flash and turned to get the jar of mustard......

 

Voices from outside my haze....

 

"We're losing him!"

 

"CLEAR!"

 

.................

 

 

The people in white coats are hovering over the mandrill I see.... and then I smile... remembering getting laid to that song by Peter Gabriel...... the beat of the song went over and over in my head..... dunta, dunt-dunt, dunta.... I shook my head trying to clear it.....dunta, dunt-dunt, dunta.....dunta, dunt-dunt, dunta.... I half-sang, half-whispered: "don't you monkey with the monkey" and smiled some more..... remembering.... what she did next.......

 

Voices again......

 

"He's coming around! Turn up the drip..."

 

"But Doctor, he's had too much already!"

 

Blackness..............................

 

I stir to the sound of..... of what? Gunfire? It's close, but my eyes are covered. I'm so doped up that all the voices just sound like buzzing.......

 

 

Fulvus. That's what the old lemur called himself. He was the one who replaced the other tormentors. Fulvus demanded that I explain String Theory to him in laymen's terms and every time I used a word that had more than 3 syllables, he'd urinate on me and hoot loudly into my ears as punishment.

 

The red-eyed lemur and the black one with the blue eyes returned and old Fulvus bid a hasty retreat.

 

Both of them urinated on me, presumably to cover Fulvus' scent, but I got the distinct impression that they didn't like me, so the act might have been twofold.

 

The black one was picking it's rear again and hooting and the red-eyed one looked really P-o'd. He began pacing about the room while the other one alternately smelled then licked its fingers and hooted.

 

The red-eyed one snatched the ant farm from the Aye-Aye who protested, "Bogart! Bogart!" He smashed it and walked back over to me. The Aye-Aye went to work cleaning up the ants while muttering curses toward my red-eyed tormentor.

 

 

Then the questioning resumed........

 

They wanted to know if I could get them both a date with Mariah Carey. Strangely, they began smearing honey mustard on my ears.

 

My tongue felt dry. Probably because I was minus a pair if lips in my prosimian nightmare world. I knew if I told them that I didn't even know her and had really lost respect for her after the release of Glitter that they were gonna munch my ears off.

 

Just then, an infinite number of howler monkeys, all carrying typewriters, burst into the room. Their wooting was deafening.

 

The head monkey, who called himself Henry the 8th, wanted me to read the script they had been working on.....

 

I feel the bandages ripped from my eyes and I awaken to blinding white light. At this point, I was certain that I was dead. I was just looking for that fabled tunnel when shapes began to solidify in my field of view......

 

Movement...... feelssss..... different? Not flying.... and back to.....

 

I seem to be aware of this (feeling of motion) while standing among an infinite number of dead howler monkeys. What is it with monkeys all dropping dead so suddenly? I remember some.... something that's sticking in my mind about dead monkeys.

 

The Aye-Aye is checking each dead monkey and then kicking them, exclaiming, "BOGART!"

 

I'm starting to wonder if the Aye-Aye is a bit off in the head.

 

My prosimian tormentors return.

 

What is it with Lemurs and their incessant questioning? I'm vaguely aware that I have no ears.

 

 

The black lemur with the startling blue eyes seems anxious. He explains to me that it's very important that he mate with Paris Hilton to advance his species' evolution. I told him that shouldn't be a problem and to get in line. He thanked me and left.

 

The red-eyed lemur produced a DVD copy of "Glitter" and ordered me to say two nice things about it. I said, "Well, it cost $4.99 and it's not actually IN a DVD player at the moment." My tormentor began to cry.......

 

The pothole rocked the ambulance with such force that my stretcher overturned. I feel pain; it seems farrrrr off in my Thorazine haze.......

 

Huh? Through my haze I hear music. It sounds like white guys trying to rap, but singing like the Beach Boys.....

 

..... Then I let the Alpine play.

It was pumpin' new $#!^ by N.W.A.

It was Gangsta-Gangsta at the top of the list.

Then I played my own $#!^ it went sumthin like this:

 

Cruisin' down the street in my six-fo

Jockin the b!tches

Slappin the HOs

 

............

 

The four black and white lemurs started to complain.

 

 

They said that Rap died with Tupoc and that .......

 

I tuned them out. What was I missing?........

 

It came to me in a flash. I grabbed the nearest lemur and asked it what it heard....

 

(I was vaguely aware that my lips and ears had returned and the infinite number of infinitely dead howler monkeys had disappeared along with my previous tormentors.)

 

It said "Chill puffy, that Aye-Aye has bad taste in music." Then it asked if I could teach it Sign Language.

 

I whirled around to see the Aye-Aye. It was smoking a foul smelling cigar. It regarded me almost disdainfully and said, "Bogart!"

 

The second lemur interrupted this exchange by asking how many licks it really took to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

 

The third wanted to know if I would co-sign for financing on the Ferrari 550 Maranello it just bought. I started to ask how it learned to drive when fourth interrupted.

 

The fourth lemur was holding a strange looking bag with a hose on it. It wanted me to give it a colonic. I was so repulsed by this that my dream world started to shimmer and melt away.

 

I awoke in a........ A what? It looked like a disused lavatory.

 

I was chained to a pipe by one leg. There was another person on the far side of the room. He appeared to be chained as well.

 

In the middle of the floor was a corpse lying face down in a pool of blood. It appeared to have a self inflicted gunshot wound in the head. The gun lay nearby. I tried, but I couldn't reach it................

 

Now the 4 Lemurs are in the disused lavatory with me and the unidentified man across the room.

 

Still dreaming I realize.......

 

The lemurs link hands and dance around the corpse in the middle of the room. Their stomping splashes blood from the crimson pool emanating from the corpses head, in an ever widening arc.

 

They're singing a song.....

 

I wish I was in Tijuana

Eating barbecued iguana......

 

This is all too much for me.....

 

Blackness envelops again........

 

Oh geeze here come the lemurs again. That beeyotch musta slipped me a mickey....

 

The black and white lemur leapt up to me and said, "G'Day with an Aussie accent."

 

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore him, but I kept wondering why in hell a prosimian from Madagascar would be sporting an Aussie accent.

 

He punched me in the genitals to get my attention. He claimed to be a lawyer hired by the monkeys to arbitrate a deal for my supply of bug powder.

 

I covered my crotch with both hands, closed my eyes and tried to tune him out. He used his freaky little hands to peel back my eyelids and kept right on talking.

 

 

I couldn't take any more. I reached into my pocket and produced a rather large baggie of yellowish powder. The lemur tasted, smiled, and produced a test kit from the briefcase it was holding. It set up its equipment at a nearby table and the whole operation was eagerly watched over by several other lemurs of different species. One seemed to be setting up a Bunsen burner. After awhile they all began hooting and yelling, "99% PURE!"

 

They passed out syringes and began injecting the liquefied bug powder into their genitals.

 

I asked the lawyerly lemur why, because I was under the impression that only the monkeys used the powder for inspiration on their many adaptations of Shakespeare's works. The lawyerly lemur explained that they could "step on" the product a bit because it was so pure and besides they themselves had an episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent to write and they needed to be altered to write lines for Vincent D' Onofrio anyway.....

 

I was mainly trying to channel William S. Burroughs spirit while writing this in my home psychomantium. I was also trying to give my good friend coastalfinds a laugh since she is a primatologist who specializes in lemurs.

 

Personally, I think it's the funniest thing I ever wrote in these forums....

Edited January 8, 2010 by Snoogans

[+bittsen]

<snip>

 

I was mainly trying to channel William S. Burroughs spirit while writing this in my home psychomantium. I was also trying to give my good friend coastalfinds a laugh since she is a primatologist who specializes in lemurs.

 

Personally, I think it's the funniest thing I ever wrote in these forums....

 

That was some funny stuff.

I wonder what happened in the last 4 years that posts like that aren't allowed anymore.

[+wimseyguy]

Didn't a hot topic thread about a TB come out of that discussion too?

 

No wait, that was about a squirrel.