How to: Place the Worlds Worst Geocache

May 14, 2008

The following is copied from a post by a user on the nmgeocaching.com forums:

--------------------------------------------------------------

Here are a few tips on how to place the world's worst geocache. These can be viewed "Chinese Menu Style," although in some categories you'll have to choose one to the exclusion of the other(s).

Choosing to place a cache: you should definitely do this. There just aren't enough caches, and won't be until every 0.1 mi square of New Mexico is home to a cache. The need is the reason; don't worry if you're from out of state and just here for the afternoon. I'm sure the locals have never thought of putting a cache there, and if they have, their reasons for not doing so were probably stupid.

General Guidelines: do not take note of anything anyone else has ever done when placing a cache. Lessons are for people who have something to learn. Imitation stifles creativity. You're a pathbreaker, and you've got paths to break.

Cache Name: remember, this is about you, so names like "My Really Cool Cache" are good. Names that are only meaningful to you, your friends, or your family are also really good, so you may want to consider a name like "That Day We Did That Thing, Remember?" or "Just There, But Not Right There Yet." Also consider making use of slang terms that may be offensive to others but not to you. Almost everyone sees the world exactly the same way you do; if they don't, they should learn to have a sense of humor about words like

, and today's a good day for them to start. Under no circumstances give the cache a name that may be helpful in finding the cache; that just spoils the fun. Which is to say, your fun.

Coordinates: just visit the cache site, click Mark, and walk away. Do this in a hurry if possible, say on a dead run or in a moving car. These can be approximate anyway, because the search is the fun anyway; only numberheads really care about finds. Do not download the coordinates off your GPS; copy them onto a separate piece of paper and again to the website. Don't worry about transcription errors; somebody's sure to catch these anyway. The Now Moment is fleeting, and the future stretches on for years. There will be time for someone to figure out any mistakes you might make, especially for the less significant digits.

Choosing a location: anywhere, and I mean anywhere, will do, and "interesting" is a matter of personal taste, so go hog wild. The world is neatly divided into private property and public property, so let's consider them separately. Private property: if the property is yours don't worry about it; they'll figure out that they're welcome to cross that fence or open that gate. Or maybe just people who personally know you will come looking for the cache, and that's just fine too. Don't even think about the possibility that something will get broken: cachers know better than to open something that's closed or move something that looks like it isn't anchored in concrete. If the property isn't yours all the better, for exactly these reasons. Cachers never do anything that would get them arrested, shot, or deported, and if they do that's none of your concern. Anything that isn't festooned with No Trespassing signs may as well have a Welcome mat anyway. Anything that is festooned with No Trespassing signs is an invitation to place a cache very close by. Say on the back of a metal fence post, or even better, on the No Trespassing sign itself. A yard full of dogs nearby is a definite plus; everybody likes dogs, and dogs love people. Public property is a smorgasbord of opportunity: consider locations near and in full view of primary school playgrounds, culture sites, security checkpoints, endangered species habitat, nuclear facilities, busy highways, bridges, railworks, and public buildings. If you can find a location that combines several of these, say a children's library on an Indian reservation, all the better. Remember that everyone looks exactly like you, caches exactly the same way you do, thinks the way you do, and enjoys exactly what you enjoy. So what's obvious to you will be obvious to them, too. If they don't they should know better; I mean, if you looked like the Unabomber you'd just give the cache in the lobby of the Roundhouse under the big piece of public art a miss, wouldn't you? Yes you would. Don't worry about foot traffic to and from your cache; everyone will step very carefully, and although your cache will be very popular it's safe to say that a hundred people will cause no more wear and tear on grass or shrubs than one person. If they're all careful, that is, which they will be; geocachers notoriously have a tread so light they are the envy of dense fog.

With all this talk about your location you might be tempted to overthink it; don't worry about it being interesting: just having a cache there makes it interesting. Everybody will leap at the chance to find GC1XFOO Pile of Dirt (1/1) just out of curiosity. Besides, all the good places are taken, and it's vitally important that you give back to the community.

Don't worry about parking; nobody should be in a hurry when they're caching in an unfamiliar place. It's just fine if the only available parking space for miles is in the middle of a railroad crossing, or at the far end of a long narrow forest road.

And finally (since we're talking about the world's worst cache here), don't hesitate to place a cache in a developing nation where the average citizen lives on less than two dollars a day and goes to bed hungry most nights. Your only problem is how to keep out muggles. Consider log-only caches in these circumstances.

Cache Size: until somebody finds a way to print a cache log on a microdot there are really only two interesting sizes for caches: micro and nano. End of story. For all intents and purposes anything bigger than your thumb might as well be a Quonset hut. Nobody wants to find GC1XBAR The Universe (1/1). Not even a beginner, which clearly you aren't. It's best to leave the cache size line blank on the your cache's page anyway; that'll make it look "old school."

Cache Container: if you've ignored the section above about cache size, or if you'd like to "kick it up a notch" by embedding your metal thimble in something clever, you might want to consider roadkill. Not too new (too tough) or too old (dry and flat), but something in between, soft enough to embed the log in. If you like firearms you might want to embed the log in a bullet and fire it into the "container." If you have no roadkill handy you might want to consider some discarded food (have you ever found a cache in a marshmallow? I didn't think so.) or one of those diapers you occasionally see near a roadside cache. If none of these strike your fancy consider something with an implied physical challenge, like a drum of burning trash or medical waste, a lava flow, a beehive, or within the moving parts of an active oil derrick. Something requiring special equipment is also nice, even if that special equipment is only available to professional welders, ship captains, miners, astronauts, or actuaries. Remember: everybody loves a challenge, especially if that challenge may void their life insurance. Again, under no circumstances mention any of this when reporting your cache, with one exception: if you attach your cache to a live animal (say via a radio collar or implant) you may want to make use of the well-used surveyor's phrase "may be subject to surface motion."

Oh yeah: everybody, and I mean everybody reads benchmark descriptions, so any technical jargon you pick up there is fair game. But I digress.

Remember that every day will be just like today: it never rains or snows in New Mexico, and there are no wild animals here, so there's no need to worry about your cache being airtight or watertight. And nobody will ever find it by accident, and if they do they'll treat it kindly, so there's no need to worry about anchoring it or making it out of anything durable. Imagine the thrill of finding a wet Post-It crammed into a poorly-sealed bone china thimble embedded in a dead skunk in an arroyo below a hundred-foot wall of crumbly tuff. Now that's caching!

If you really really ignore the item above about cache size, why not go completely nuts? Take that disused refrigerator out of the basement and haul it out right to the edge of that wilderness area. Make inventive use of an old couch. Nobody's ever seen a cache inside a working transformer, and there are only rumors of cache containers visible in Google Earth. The bigger and uglier the eyesore the better. That way nobody will mistake your work of art for litter.

Difficulty: 1. This should always be 1. I mean, it's right there, for crying out loud. There really ought to be a difficulty 0 or 0.5, but there isn't, so 1 will have to do.

Terrain: this is also 1. Once you get to the cache what difference does it make where it is? Up a cliff face, at the bottom of a well or missile silo? 1. Not handicapped accessible? Who cares. Not available in the dead of a particularly wet winter? 1. Hundreds of miles from the nearest water or gas station? Definitely 1, because there can't be anything but rocks or sand to hide it. Only accessible by rocket ship? 1, duh, due to lack of muggles. You have to remember that anywhere is easily accessible to somebody, especially somebody with the proper training, equipment, and permits, and they know who they are. You don't want them to get a swelled head from telling them, so it's best to always use Terrain = 1. The absolute last thing you want is for somebody to mock you to your face in front of everybody by saying your GC1XQUX Taliban Strongholds (1/1.5) multicache was "easy."

Attributes: these are mostly useless eye candy for people who can't read. If you really have to use these, consider one of the following approaches. 1) Choose only the attributes that are irrelevant or at best faintly suggestive. For GC1QUUX Sea of Tranquility (1/1) try "parking available;" for GC1ZXYZ Surface Of The Sun (1/1) try "recommended at night;" for GC2ZGAR Mariana Trench (1/1) try "drinking water nearby;" for anything involving multiday excursions be sure to check "takes more than one hour." Under no circumstances use any of the Hazards, Permissions, or Special Equipment attributes, except for "thorns present" because it looks cool and maybe "livestock not present" for the same reason. 2) Choose attributes that are intentionally misleading; a cache involving a live elk wearing a radio collar is even more fun during hunting season, for example; so be sure to check "hunting not present." Anything requiring a long approach should be marked to suggest that no special equipment is required. The greater the challenge the more fun it will be to go back a second time.

Last, and I probably shouldn't mention this, but it's possible to use these attributes to spell out a commonly-used rude word. Everybody loves that joke, and they'll think you're double-clever for figuring it out before they did.

Short Description: this field on the cache report will actually take a blank, last I checked; this is a good place to let everyone know that they're dealing with a cool, clever customer, though. Try using an online translation tool to translate the cache name into a language you don't know, like Quechua or Proto-Indo-European. Use two of these in succession if the name is short; somebody will figure out which tools to use. If you wimp out and use English don't worry about spelling, punctuation, or clarity; everybody knows what you mean.

Description: here's your chance to really shine. There are two things of interest here: 1) why you placed the cache, and 2) the people looking for the cache. Be sure to put lots of words here about the former, especially if it might someday be part of a series you're thinking about doing but don't have any ideas for yet. Don't under any circumstances put anything in this part of the description that might be useful for finding the cache; that would just give it away. Anything else is fair game: treaties that once governed the area, the naming of anti-popes, what umami tastes like, your personal family history and why your particular ethnic group is special, the flat tax, things your neighbors do that bug you, and another thing, etc. Again, there's no need for checking spelling or punctuation here.

As far as the rest of the description is concerned, you might want to try veiled insults regarding the cacher's intelligence, skill, or toughness. That way they'll feel good about themselves when they find the cache and realize how clever you are. Remember that brevity is the essence of wit; try ending the description with "[Wimps/Kite People/Troglodytes/Sissies/Librarians] need not apply."

A discourse about what caching was like fifteen years ago when we used map, compass, and if we were lucky a sextant and maybe an astrolabe serves both purposes above, especially if said discourse is a) chock-full of technical minutiae explained in a pedantic tone suggesting that the reader was born some time yesterday afternoon and makes passing references to "several million dollars' worth of spy equipment" and "Mason jars full of penny candy."

Under no circumstances use terms like "4 x 4," "earth-moving equipment," "helicopter," "boat," or "space elevator" in a cache description.

Clues: everybody decodes these before they leave home, so they're mostly useless. Vg'f svar vs gurl'er ybat naq hfryrff naq fnl fbzrguvat yvxr "ybbx sbe n cvrpr bs cncre vafvqr n pbagnvare, qhu."

Also, feel free to use a code other than rot-13, especially for information that will only be useful in rare (that is to say, dire) situations. Everyone loves the challenge of guessing the number you were thinking of while hanging by one hand off a cliff.

Physical clues: if you decide to make your cache really easy to find, just alter the surroundings to make it easy to spot. Spraypaint on rocks works really well in remote wooded areas or in pristine box canyons. Spraypaint also works well on vertical surfaces in heavily tagged urban areas frequented by youth gangs. Don't hesitate to cut fences near caches on private property; they make those things out of wire for that very reason. Don't think twice about scratching nearby signs with arrows; they're public property and you're the public. Obvious foreign objects hanging from nearby trees are also very helpful, and they give your cache distinctive flair. Never, never let poor signal strength in the area make you reconsider your cache location. It's a little-known fact that most geocachers secretly just want to walk in circles, and their GPS receiver is just a prop. You're helping them.

Activating your cache: always report your cache as active so you can get it approved as soon as possible. You can place it after the first couple of DNFs. This is called "dramatic tension," and the caching community will thank you for it. They'll come to realize that your screen name is the hallmark of showmanship.

Muggles: everyone wants to be a geocacher, whether they know it or not. Place your cache in high-traffic areas so cachers will have lots of opportunities to encounter muggles. Especially in out-of-the-way neighborhoods, or neighborhoods with high crime rates.

Maintenance: yeah right. What are you going to do? Change its oil?

There's really not much point in reading the log messages for your cache after you've placed it. The praise is nice and everything, but it gets kind of monotonous after a while, and besides: what could they know? They only found a (1/1) cache, after all.

Under no circumstances respond to email from people asking questions about your cache. They're clueless losers, and helping them will just make them more clueless and losery. Either that or they're perfectionists, and they should just lighten up.

Don't correct your initial coordinates; if one person can find it someone else can find it.

Don't hesitate to delete comments you don't like; this goes double for whiny finders.

If you move away from the area don't worry about your cache: it will be fine, even or especially if nobody ever finds it. Picking up after themselves is for other people.

Archiving: someday the moderator will archive your cache. This is perfectly natural, as death is a natural part of life. Don't worry: by then you'll have placed another thousand or so more caches, each more clever than the last.

May 14, 2008

Cache Container: if you've ignored the section above about cache size, or if you'd like to "kick it up a notch" by embedding your metal thimble in something clever, you might want to consider roadkill.

My personal favorite: There's always the option of using an previously-used ziplock bag as a container. Used ziplocks leak quicker than new ziplocks, and will help make sure the log sheet gets damp as quickly as possible.

May 14, 2008

I chuckled a couple of times, but my final reaction is that somebody simply needs a new hobby.

May 14, 2008

somebody simply needs a new hobby

Yup

May 14, 2008

Long, but well worth the read!

1.5k · May 14, 2008

hmmm, maybe We'll cross New Mexico off the "to do" list??!!?

38.2k · May 14, 2008

I tried, but apparently failed.

3.9k · May 14, 2008

The OP clearly and blatantly omitted my most very favorite guideline of all:

BURYING CACHES IS THE PREFERRED METHOD, AT LEAST EIGHT OUT OF TEN TIMES: Do NOT be afraid to bury your cache container. This is the best way to hide it and to protect it from the elements at the same time. So, when the time comes to place your cache container, bring along a couple of large sharp shovels, and dig a deep hole for the cache container, with horizontal dimensions about four to ten times larger than the container, and then line the sides of the hole with pretty flat rocks that you have scavenged from the local environment, and then place the cache container smack dab in the middle of the pretty lined hole. You can cover the hole with a flat rock or a found piece of junk fallen wood or even an old piece of scavenged plywood, or with a pile of branches and leaves.

1.2k · May 14, 2008

The following is copied from a post by a user on the nmgeocaching.com forums:

--------------------------------------------------------------

Here are a few tips on how to place the world's worst geocache. These can be viewed "Chinese Menu Style," although in some categories you'll have to choose one to the exclusion of the other(s).

Choosing to place a cache: you should definitely do this. There just aren't enough caches, and won't be until every 0.1 mi square of New Mexico is home to a cache. The need is the reason; don't worry if you're from out of state and just here for the afternoon. I'm sure the locals have never thought of putting a cache there, and if they have, their reasons for not doing so were probably stupid.

General Guidelines: do not take note of anything anyone else has ever done when placing a cache. Lessons are for people who have something to learn. Imitation stifles creativity. You're a pathbreaker, and you've got paths to break.

Cache Name: remember, this is about you, so names like "My Really Cool Cache" are good. Names that are only meaningful to you, your friends, or your family are also really good, so you may want to consider a name like "That Day We Did That Thing, Remember?" or "Just There, But Not Right There Yet." Also consider making use of slang terms that may be offensive to others but not to you. Almost everyone sees the world exactly the same way you do; if they don't, they should learn to have a sense of humor about words like

, and today's a good day for them to start. Under no circumstances give the cache a name that may be helpful in finding the cache; that just spoils the fun. Which is to say, your fun.

Coordinates: just visit the cache site, click Mark, and walk away. Do this in a hurry if possible, say on a dead run or in a moving car. These can be approximate anyway, because the search is the fun anyway; only numberheads really care about finds. Do not download the coordinates off your GPS; copy them onto a separate piece of paper and again to the website. Don't worry about transcription errors; somebody's sure to catch these anyway. The Now Moment is fleeting, and the future stretches on for years. There will be time for someone to figure out any mistakes you might make, especially for the less significant digits.

Choosing a location: anywhere, and I mean anywhere, will do, and "interesting" is a matter of personal taste, so go hog wild. The world is neatly divided into private property and public property, so let's consider them separately. Private property: if the property is yours don't worry about it; they'll figure out that they're welcome to cross that fence or open that gate. Or maybe just people who personally know you will come looking for the cache, and that's just fine too. Don't even think about the possibility that something will get broken: cachers know better than to open something that's closed or move something that looks like it isn't anchored in concrete. If the property isn't yours all the better, for exactly these reasons. Cachers never do anything that would get them arrested, shot, or deported, and if they do that's none of your concern. Anything that isn't festooned with No Trespassing signs may as well have a Welcome mat anyway. Anything that is festooned with No Trespassing signs is an invitation to place a cache very close by. Say on the back of a metal fence post, or even better, on the No Trespassing sign itself. A yard full of dogs nearby is a definite plus; everybody likes dogs, and dogs love people. Public property is a smorgasbord of opportunity: consider locations near and in full view of primary school playgrounds, culture sites, security checkpoints, endangered species habitat, nuclear facilities, busy highways, bridges, railworks, and public buildings. If you can find a location that combines several of these, say a children's library on an Indian reservation, all the better. Remember that everyone looks exactly like you, caches exactly the same way you do, thinks the way you do, and enjoys exactly what you enjoy. So what's obvious to you will be obvious to them, too. If they don't they should know better; I mean, if you looked like the Unabomber you'd just give the cache in the lobby of the Roundhouse under the big piece of public art a miss, wouldn't you? Yes you would. Don't worry about foot traffic to and from your cache; everyone will step very carefully, and although your cache will be very popular it's safe to say that a hundred people will cause no more wear and tear on grass or shrubs than one person. If they're all careful, that is, which they will be; geocachers notoriously have a tread so light they are the envy of dense fog.

With all this talk about your location you might be tempted to overthink it; don't worry about it being interesting: just having a cache there makes it interesting. Everybody will leap at the chance to find GC1XFOO Pile of Dirt (1/1) just out of curiosity. Besides, all the good places are taken, and it's vitally important that you give back to the community.

Don't worry about parking; nobody should be in a hurry when they're caching in an unfamiliar place. It's just fine if the only available parking space for miles is in the middle of a railroad crossing, or at the far end of a long narrow forest road.

And finally (since we're talking about the world's worst cache here), don't hesitate to place a cache in a developing nation where the average citizen lives on less than two dollars a day and goes to bed hungry most nights. Your only problem is how to keep out muggles. Consider log-only caches in these circumstances.

Cache Size: until somebody finds a way to print a cache log on a microdot there are really only two interesting sizes for caches: micro and nano. End of story. For all intents and purposes anything bigger than your thumb might as well be a Quonset hut. Nobody wants to find GC1XBAR The Universe (1/1). Not even a beginner, which clearly you aren't. It's best to leave the cache size line blank on the your cache's page anyway; that'll make it look "old school."

Cache Container: if you've ignored the section above about cache size, or if you'd like to "kick it up a notch" by embedding your metal thimble in something clever, you might want to consider roadkill. Not too new (too tough) or too old (dry and flat), but something in between, soft enough to embed the log in. If you like firearms you might want to embed the log in a bullet and fire it into the "container." If you have no roadkill handy you might want to consider some discarded food (have you ever found a cache in a marshmallow? I didn't think so.) or one of those diapers you occasionally see near a roadside cache. If none of these strike your fancy consider something with an implied physical challenge, like a drum of burning trash or medical waste, a lava flow, a beehive, or within the moving parts of an active oil derrick. Something requiring special equipment is also nice, even if that special equipment is only available to professional welders, ship captains, miners, astronauts, or actuaries. Remember: everybody loves a challenge, especially if that challenge may void their life insurance. Again, under no circumstances mention any of this when reporting your cache, with one exception: if you attach your cache to a live animal (say via a radio collar or implant) you may want to make use of the well-used surveyor's phrase "may be subject to surface motion."

Oh yeah: everybody, and I mean everybody reads benchmark descriptions, so any technical jargon you pick up there is fair game. But I digress.

Remember that every day will be just like today: it never rains or snows in New Mexico, and there are no wild animals here, so there's no need to worry about your cache being airtight or watertight. And nobody will ever find it by accident, and if they do they'll treat it kindly, so there's no need to worry about anchoring it or making it out of anything durable. Imagine the thrill of finding a wet Post-It crammed into a poorly-sealed bone china thimble embedded in a dead skunk in an arroyo below a hundred-foot wall of crumbly tuff. Now that's caching!

If you really really ignore the item above about cache size, why not go completely nuts? Take that disused refrigerator out of the basement and haul it out right to the edge of that wilderness area. Make inventive use of an old couch. Nobody's ever seen a cache inside a working transformer, and there are only rumors of cache containers visible in Google Earth. The bigger and uglier the eyesore the better. That way nobody will mistake your work of art for litter.

Difficulty: 1. This should always be 1. I mean, it's right there, for crying out loud. There really ought to be a difficulty 0 or 0.5, but there isn't, so 1 will have to do.

Terrain: this is also 1. Once you get to the cache what difference does it make where it is? Up a cliff face, at the bottom of a well or missile silo? 1. Not handicapped accessible? Who cares. Not available in the dead of a particularly wet winter? 1. Hundreds of miles from the nearest water or gas station? Definitely 1, because there can't be anything but rocks or sand to hide it. Only accessible by rocket ship? 1, duh, due to lack of muggles. You have to remember that anywhere is easily accessible to somebody, especially somebody with the proper training, equipment, and permits, and they know who they are. You don't want them to get a swelled head from telling them, so it's best to always use Terrain = 1. The absolute last thing you want is for somebody to mock you to your face in front of everybody by saying your GC1XQUX Taliban Strongholds (1/1.5) multicache was "easy."

Attributes: these are mostly useless eye candy for people who can't read. If you really have to use these, consider one of the following approaches. 1) Choose only the attributes that are irrelevant or at best faintly suggestive. For GC1QUUX Sea of Tranquility (1/1) try "parking available;" for GC1ZXYZ Surface Of The Sun (1/1) try "recommended at night;" for GC2ZGAR Mariana Trench (1/1) try "drinking water nearby;" for anything involving multiday excursions be sure to check "takes more than one hour." Under no circumstances use any of the Hazards, Permissions, or Special Equipment attributes, except for "thorns present" because it looks cool and maybe "livestock not present" for the same reason. 2) Choose attributes that are intentionally misleading; a cache involving a live elk wearing a radio collar is even more fun during hunting season, for example; so be sure to check "hunting not present." Anything requiring a long approach should be marked to suggest that no special equipment is required. The greater the challenge the more fun it will be to go back a second time.

Last, and I probably shouldn't mention this, but it's possible to use these attributes to spell out a commonly-used rude word. Everybody loves that joke, and they'll think you're double-clever for figuring it out before they did.

Short Description: this field on the cache report will actually take a blank, last I checked; this is a good place to let everyone know that they're dealing with a cool, clever customer, though. Try using an online translation tool to translate the cache name into a language you don't know, like Quechua or Proto-Indo-European. Use two of these in succession if the name is short; somebody will figure out which tools to use. If you wimp out and use English don't worry about spelling, punctuation, or clarity; everybody knows what you mean.

Description: here's your chance to really shine. There are two things of interest here: 1) why you placed the cache, and 2) the people looking for the cache. Be sure to put lots of words here about the former, especially if it might someday be part of a series you're thinking about doing but don't have any ideas for yet. Don't under any circumstances put anything in this part of the description that might be useful for finding the cache; that would just give it away. Anything else is fair game: treaties that once governed the area, the naming of anti-popes, what umami tastes like, your personal family history and why your particular ethnic group is special, the flat tax, things your neighbors do that bug you, and another thing, etc. Again, there's no need for checking spelling or punctuation here.

As far as the rest of the description is concerned, you might want to try veiled insults regarding the cacher's intelligence, skill, or toughness. That way they'll feel good about themselves when they find the cache and realize how clever you are. Remember that brevity is the essence of wit; try ending the description with "[Wimps/Kite People/Troglodytes/Sissies/Librarians] need not apply."

A discourse about what caching was like fifteen years ago when we used map, compass, and if we were lucky a sextant and maybe an astrolabe serves both purposes above, especially if said discourse is a) chock-full of technical minutiae explained in a pedantic tone suggesting that the reader was born some time yesterday afternoon and makes passing references to "several million dollars' worth of spy equipment" and "Mason jars full of penny candy."

Under no circumstances use terms like "4 x 4," "earth-moving equipment," "helicopter," "boat," or "space elevator" in a cache description.

Clues: everybody decodes these before they leave home, so they're mostly useless. Vg'f svar vs gurl'er ybat naq hfryrff naq fnl fbzrguvat yvxr "ybbx sbe n cvrpr bs cncre vafvqr n pbagnvare, qhu."

Also, feel free to use a code other than rot-13, especially for information that will only be useful in rare (that is to say, dire) situations. Everyone loves the challenge of guessing the number you were thinking of while hanging by one hand off a cliff.

Physical clues: if you decide to make your cache really easy to find, just alter the surroundings to make it easy to spot. Spraypaint on rocks works really well in remote wooded areas or in pristine box canyons. Spraypaint also works well on vertical surfaces in heavily tagged urban areas frequented by youth gangs. Don't hesitate to cut fences near caches on private property; they make those things out of wire for that very reason. Don't think twice about scratching nearby signs with arrows; they're public property and you're the public. Obvious foreign objects hanging from nearby trees are also very helpful, and they give your cache distinctive flair. Never, never let poor signal strength in the area make you reconsider your cache location. It's a little-known fact that most geocachers secretly just want to walk in circles, and their GPS receiver is just a prop. You're helping them.

Activating your cache: always report your cache as active so you can get it approved as soon as possible. You can place it after the first couple of DNFs. This is called "dramatic tension," and the caching community will thank you for it. They'll come to realize that your screen name is the hallmark of showmanship.

Muggles: everyone wants to be a geocacher, whether they know it or not. Place your cache in high-traffic areas so cachers will have lots of opportunities to encounter muggles. Especially in out-of-the-way neighborhoods, or neighborhoods with high crime rates.

Maintenance: yeah right. What are you going to do? Change its oil?

There's really not much point in reading the log messages for your cache after you've placed it. The praise is nice and everything, but it gets kind of monotonous after a while, and besides: what could they know? They only found a (1/1) cache, after all.

Under no circumstances respond to email from people asking questions about your cache. They're clueless losers, and helping them will just make them more clueless and losery. Either that or they're perfectionists, and they should just lighten up.

Don't correct your initial coordinates; if one person can find it someone else can find it.

Don't hesitate to delete comments you don't like; this goes double for whiny finders.

If you move away from the area don't worry about your cache: it will be fine, even or especially if nobody ever finds it. Picking up after themselves is for other people.

Archiving: someday the moderator will archive your cache. This is perfectly natural, as death is a natural part of life. Don't worry: by then you'll have placed another thousand or so more caches, each more clever than the last.

Hmmm...I wonder how I can use this in an actual cache to make something fun...

.

.

.

The wheels, they are a turning...this could be fun to use...

.

.

.

Kind of like the "Do Not Find This Cache" series...maybe something like a "Really Bad Cache All Should Avoid" series...

Edited May 14, 2008 by ArcherDragoon

24.7k · May 14, 2008

I tried to place the worst cache and failed. If you actually work hard enough to intensionally hit all the bad points people seem to like the cache. Go figure.

20.7k · May 14, 2008

somebody simply needs a new hobby

Yup

Agreed. It reads like it was written by a truly angry person who likes to think of himself as smarter and wittier than all others.

May 14, 2008

The absolute last thing you want is for somebody to mock you to your face in front of everybody by saying your GC1XQUX Taliban Strongholds (1/1.5) multicache was "easy."

You had a hard time with that one

Oh, and the other one that's a great container is just wrapping the log in a plastic grocery bag

3.3k · May 14, 2008

I tried, but apparently failed.

I like my friend's approach. Always Lame (a tutorial)

You seek the poster child of lame caches, the dreaded film canister in a Wally World lamp post. It don't get any more pathetic than this.

This is a cache for those who prefer quantity over quality.

(from Websters)

Lame: [leym] adjective

1. pathetically lacking in force or effectiveness

3. weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory;

Because geocachers hail from such diversity, it is really difficult to quantify "Lameness" as related to caches. There really isn't any one characteristic that can guarantee that a cache is lame, (other than hiding a film canister in a lamp post at Wally World, which is ALWAYS Lame), however a cache's Lameness Quotient can still be measured, given sufficient consideration, as follows:

Location

The motto for Groundspeak is "The Language of Location". This, more than anything, should be your first clue in determining if your cache is a stinker. Ask yourself, "Why am I bringing people to this spot?" If the only answer you can come up with is yet another mindless smiley, perhaps it's time to rethink ground zero. A waterfall is good. 500 acres of sweltering, exhaust laden blacktop filled with soccer moms in SUV's is bad.

Container Selection

The purpose of a cache is to protect its contents. Whether those contents are a slip of paper covered with the initials of a bunch of geo-nerds, or the contents are high dollar, really kewl swag, is really immaterial. If the container won't protect what's inside, it is lame. Quality containers include ammo cans, Lock & Locks, decon kits, waterproof match containers and bison tubes. Inadequate containers include Gladware, black & gray film canisters, hide-a-keys, Altoid tins and duct tape covered baggies. These may work great indoors, but they simply will not repel moisture once subjected to the whims of Mother Nature.

Hide Style

If a hide style gets copied too often, it automatically becomes lame. Hide-a-keys on guard rails and film canisters under lamp posts require absolutely no imagination to hide or to find, and therefor earn pretty high LQ points. Any hide style that encourages vandalism or otherwise violate Groundspeak's guidelines, (graffiti coords/affixing electrical boxes to structures/buried caches/etc), are bad for the game, and should be avoided like the plague. Some of the best hides utilize subtle misdirection, getting folks to look everywhere but where their GPSr's tell them to look. I consider that a good thing, as it forces me to fire up the ol' grey matter. That is not the case with this hide. The film canister is plopped under the skirt of the lamp post closest to ground zero.

Write Up

Your cache page write up is the medium used to present your cache to the community. You should be proud of your cache, and let your cache page reflect that fact. If there are more words tattooed on Rosie O'Donnell's backside than in your write up, folks might get the impression that you don't care about your hide. A bit of history about your site, or some humorous anecdotes about yourself, seem to go over well with the caching community. On a similar note, spellcheck is your friend.

Hints

Your hint should actually help your fellow cacher find your cache. You can be blunt or creative, so long as the message is relevant. A sure fire way to create angst amongst your fellow cachers is to get them to struggle through 10 minutes of ROT-13, just to discern a hint like, "This one is too easy for a hint". Note: To ensure this cache rates as high as it possibly can on the LQ scale, I've used that exact hint. Don't bother translating it.

Results

If you see a high percentage of single sentence find logs on your cache page, that is a fairly reasonable indicator that your cache may be suffering from a lack of ingenuity. This trend becomes more pronounced if you see a lot of "TNLNSL" entries. At that point, your cache has reached a lameness critical mass, and should probably be put out of its misery.

Patience

Patience is a virtue, especially in geocaching. If you become immediately hooked on this game, (like we did), you may find yourself wanting to run right out and hide a cache, as a means of giving back to the community. My advice? Allow yourself the time to gather sufficient experience before creating your first hide. By far the greatest number of lame hides come from folks with more enthusiasm than experience. Hiding a cache is an art form, and even Da'Vinci needed lessons. When I teach newbies about caching, I always suggest that they find 100 caches before they consider their first hide. This number is entirely arbitrary, yet it accomplishes two things. First, it gives the new cacher a goal to reach, and second, it typically gives them a broad spectrum of cache styles to experience, broadening their horizons.

Exceptions

As with any general rule, there are gobs of exceptions to the aforementioned lameness indicators. A cache can score very low in several of the fields, yet still achieve greatness if enough creativity is applied to the remaining field(s). Two of my favorite hiders, HiddenRock and Discovery Scout, both hid what I consider to be great caches, at Wally Worlds.

Feel free to utilize the attached Lame Cache Log generator to create your log for this hide. You won't hurt my feelings, as I already know it's a stinker. (visit link)

Good luck!

Post Script: This tutorial is entirely biased, and should be taken accordingly.

14.3k · May 14, 2008

Very funny Mesa Mike! I felt like I was reading Dave Barry. Are you Dave Barry?

May 14, 2008

I've got lots of stinky diapers from my toddler. Line up now for your cool cache container!

14.3k · May 14, 2008

I've got lots of stinky diapers from my toddler. Line up now for your cool cache container!

I bet some little gal/guy really enjoyed making that container! There is also nothing in the guidelines against putting food that's already been eaten into a cache container....

1.5k · May 14, 2008

Oh, and the other one that's a great container is just wrapping the log in a plastic grocery bag

...then placing the logbook into a styrofoam clamshell-style takeout box, and wrapping the whole thing in a large black trash bag.

May 14, 2008

The OP clearly and blatantly omitted my most very favorite guideline of all:

BURYING CACHES IS THE PREFERRED METHOD, AT LEAST EIGHT OUT OF TEN TIMES: Do NOT be afraid to bury your cache container. This is the best way to hide it and to protect it from the elements at the same time. So, when the time comes to place your cache container, bring along a couple of large sharp shovels, and dig a deep hole for the cache container, with horizontal dimensions about four to ten times larger than the container, and then line the sides of the hole with pretty flat rocks that you have scavenged from the local environment, and then place the cache container smack dab in the middle of the pretty lined hole. You can cover the hole with a flat rock or a found piece of junk fallen wood or even an old piece of scavenged plywood, or with a pile of branches and leaves.

I guess that will suffice if you don't own a back hoe.

2.5k · May 14, 2008

The OP clearly and blatantly omitted my most very favorite guideline of all:

BURYING CACHES IS THE PREFERRED METHOD, AT LEAST EIGHT OUT OF TEN TIMES: Do NOT be afraid to bury your cache container. This is the best way to hide it and to protect it from the elements at the same time. So, when the time comes to place your cache container, bring along a couple of large sharp shovels, and dig a deep hole for the cache container, with horizontal dimensions about four to ten times larger than the container, and then line the sides of the hole with pretty flat rocks that you have scavenged from the local environment, and then place the cache container smack dab in the middle of the pretty lined hole. You can cover the hole with a flat rock or a found piece of junk fallen wood or even an old piece of scavenged plywood, or with a pile of branches and leaves.

I guess that will suffice if you don't own a back hoe.

Works for me.

14.3k · May 14, 2008

The OP clearly and blatantly omitted my most very favorite guideline of all:

BURYING CACHES IS THE PREFERRED METHOD, AT LEAST EIGHT OUT OF TEN TIMES: Do NOT be afraid to bury your cache container. This is the best way to hide it and to protect it from the elements at the same time. So, when the time comes to place your cache container, bring along a couple of large sharp shovels, and dig a deep hole for the cache container, with horizontal dimensions about four to ten times larger than the container, and then line the sides of the hole with pretty flat rocks that you have scavenged from the local environment, and then place the cache container smack dab in the middle of the pretty lined hole. You can cover the hole with a flat rock or a found piece of junk fallen wood or even an old piece of scavenged plywood, or with a pile of branches and leaves.

I guess that will suffice if you don't own a back hoe.

Works for me.

Bury this....

Edited May 15, 2008 by TrailGators

May 15, 2008

So what is the rude word with the attributes? LOL I've never heard of anything like that.

May 16, 2008

Why should we even bother placing caches anyway? This guy seems to be the very best cache hider person in the world. I bet he is the best at everything he does and lets everyone know it. The world needs more people like this to let you know when you aren't doing something to absolute perfection. I bet his kids all get straight A's. If they don't then they get the bend over the knee and a good spanking. He is a great guy.

May 16, 2008

Why all the humor-impaired responses?

Are there really those of you out there that have never been aggravated by chasing a nano in a field of rocks with the posted coordinates 60 feet off, or some other not well thought out or otherwise uncarefully or badly placed cache?

I'm sure the author wrote it after running into a string of those, and meant it to be taken in a spirit of cynical humor .

Edited May 16, 2008 by Mesa Mike

May 16, 2008

Why all the humor-impaired responses?

Are there really those of you out there that have never been aggravated by chasing a nano in a field of rocks with the posted coordinates 60 feet off, or some other not well thought out or otherwise uncarefully or badly placed cache?

I'm sure the author wrote it after running into a string of those, and meant it to be taken in a spirit of cynical humor .

The following is copied from a post by a user on the nmgeocaching.com forums:

--------------------------------------------------------------

<snip>

Cache Name: <snip> Almost everyone sees the world exactly the same way you do; if they don't, they should learn to have a sense of humor . . . <snip>

There were some funny parts and some very valid points. I got a kick out of the Difficulty guideline. But . . . .

This may have been meant to be taken in a certain light. However, to others this looks like a troll topic.

EDIT: And I am on the fence here. Not making an accusation of the OP in this forum.

Edited May 16, 2008 by scorpio_dark

3.9k · May 16, 2008

Location
The motto for Groundspeak is "The Language of Location". This, more than anything, should be your first clue in determining if your cache is a stinker. Ask yourself, "Why am I bringing people to this spot?"

I always chuckle when I hear people use this motto to claim the web site intended it to mean you should hide your caches in a "wow" location.

May 16, 2008

I tried, but apparently failed.

Yeah, me too...

My horrible cache

Sadly, my failures are that some cachers actually enjoyed it and at least two other cachers have copied the hide technique.

Edited May 16, 2008 by kingsting

2.2k · May 16, 2008

Why all the humor-impaired responses?

Are there really those of you out there that have never been aggravated by chasing a nano in a field of rocks with the posted coordinates 60 feet off, or some other not well thought out or otherwise uncarefully or badly placed cache?

I'm kind of surprised myself. The original post was copied onto our local forums and the responses were very positive and the responders agreed it was a worthwhile read. I suggested it should be required reading material for all new cachers.

9.3k · May 17, 2008

I tried, but apparently failed.

Yeah. Me too.

May 17, 2008

I was planning on hiding my first cache, but the OP was looking over my shoulder and documenting everything I was doing. Now EVERYONE knows the cleverness of my hide.....

(pondering) has anyone hid a log book in an empty cigarette package................................

Edited May 17, 2008 by m.austin

May 17, 2008

So wait....does this mean the film canister I stuffed into a dead deer carcass (roadkill) yesterday isn't a good hiding spot for my first cache?

3.9k · May 17, 2008

. . .(pondering) has anyone hid a log book in an empty cigarette package................................

Only if the entire assembly is then loosely wrapped in a used plastic grocery bag which will trap moisture and ground water and allow molds and mildew to grow and allow small insects to breed in the interior.

May 18, 2008

A delightful read. Hopefully, it will avoid some of the more lame hides. Note: A hide intended to be lame, probably isn't lame. Consider a hide-a-key purchased at Wally World, hidden in the parking lot, using the sales receipt as the log!

The OP overlooked three of my favorite criteria:

1. If there is a great spot for a cache (i.e. easy accessible yet not easily muggled) and a bunch of bad spots (i.e. inaccessible) all in the same area, go with one of the bad ones. Remember: No pain; no gain.

2. Even if the cache will be sufficiently out of the way that it won't be muggled, hide it well. If you see a field of rocks in a remote area, hide the cache under one of them, randomly; even if it would be safe just sitting on top of one of them. Remember: No pain; no gain.

3. Scuba diving is great fun. Many cachers also dive. And, if they don't, they should. Running a dive shop is a tough way to make a living and margins are low. Therefore, to support dive shops and in turn give divers a place to buy gear, always, use an attribute for scuba gear required.

May 25, 2008

I chuckled a couple of times, but my final reaction is that somebody simply needs a new hobby.

Well....opinions are like buttholes....

Sounds like someone is jealous. Kudos to the OP for a well thought out post regarding the frustrations most of us feel when hunting a cache that turns out to be lame.

April 1, 2011

I have one, but until you find it, you can't truly enjoy it.

The Crappiest Cache in Kern County

April 4, 2011

3. Scuba diving is great fun. Many cachers also dive. And, if they don't, they should. Running a dive shop is a tough way to make a living and margins are low. Therefore, to support dive shops and in turn give divers a place to buy gear, always, use an attribute for scuba gear required.

Are you saying that scuba caches are lame, or just that it is lame to use the attribute when it is a land cache?

April 4, 2011

This isn't my original idea, read it on the forums before, but remember to recycle! That receipt you have from buying the magnetic hide a key from wal-mart? Don't throw it away! Use it as the log book!

April 4, 2011

3. Scuba diving is great fun. Many cachers also dive. And, if they don't, they should. Running a dive shop is a tough way to make a living and margins are low. Therefore, to support dive shops and in turn give divers a place to buy gear, always, use an attribute for scuba gear required.

Are you saying that scuba caches are lame, or just that it is lame to use the attribute when it is a land cache?

Sounds like another cacher with a stick up their you know what that they can't get a 5/5

How to: Place the Worlds Worst Geocache

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