Jump to content

The "It's My Birthday" Cointest


keewee
Followers 8

Recommended Posts

A Nutty Game

 

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

 

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.

 

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

 

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

 

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

 

The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

Link to comment

Leopard vs. Poodle

 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

 

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

 

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

 

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

 

"Where's that dadgum monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Link to comment

Chemistry, Duke and Bonkistry

 

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

 

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

 

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

 

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...

 

WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

Link to comment

Passing Football

 

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, "Hell yah, get a load of this!"

And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.

 

The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, "Hell yah!" and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.

 

The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"

 

The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!"

Link to comment

We see that it is your birthday and wanted to Wish You the Most Happiest Birthday Ever!

 

If you havent heard a F3 tornado hit in Northeastern Wisconsin and wiped out 14,000 acres. Most of the damage in our County of Oconto. There were about 30 homes totally wiped out and many more wind damaged. ONE HUGE THANKS TO GOD THAT HE MADE SURE NO ONE WAS HURT. With co-operation and everyone getting together in our comminuty things are somewhat getting picked up and back in order. What we have realized is that we do live in a nice community where we are all like family and everyone is so greatful. So this is what is all that is been going on in our neck of the woods. Hope everything is going great where you live and take care and again Happy Birthday To You! Hope with this note that we win a geocoin.

 

 

Val and Barry

 

sweetlife

Link to comment

Happy Birthday form the Leo in our house who turned double 1s on Sunday. :lol:

 

SInce it's your birthday this is a perfect way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence resulting from the aging process. :lol:

 

So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces

below are included so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer. MOre fun if you play along and don;t scroll down till you've answered each question.

 

OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.

 

1. What do you put in a toaster?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said "bread," go to Question 2.

 

 

 

 

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.

 

 

 

 

 

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," then proceed to the next question.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? You're not very good at this! Are you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

 

8. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

 

 

 

Scroll down for answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you get 5000?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the las t question right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Nunu?

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Okay, now the bonus round: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is

done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

Link to comment

Takeout Small Talk

 

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.

While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

 

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

 

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

 

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

 

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

 

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

 

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

 

"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

 

"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."

Link to comment

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

 

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.

7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. dadgum motion sickness!"

19. Give religious literature to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

Link to comment

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

 

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

 

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Link to comment

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

 

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

 

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

 

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

 

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

 

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

Link to comment

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

 

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

 

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

 

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Link to comment

Hope you had a GREAT Birthday KeeWee!!

 

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a

taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid

into the cab.

 

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

 

"Who?"

 

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right,"

the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a

cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

 

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a

few clouds over everybody."

 

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete.

He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could

golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and

danced like a Broadway star."

 

"Bill was really something, huh?"

 

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like

a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all

about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything.

Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood

blacks out."

 

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

 

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

 

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

 

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

Link to comment

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

 

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

 

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

 

 

Edit: Hope you had a nice birthday :-D

Edited by Solan109
Link to comment

It’s a sure sign that you’re antiquated if you go to a gallery of modern art expecting to see landscapes and portraits.

 

Hi Ble68 - because you're post #117, and for sheer perserverance I award you the next prize - a Kiwi Fruit GeoJellie!!

 

And to everyone else out there who is up at the moment - there are still a couple of coins left to go... get in while the going is good, while the majority are sleeping :lol:

 

Next coin up for grabs is a keewee 2007 GeoTag.

Link to comment

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

 

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

 

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

 

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

 

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Link to comment

I´ve got a windows media file (2,74 MB) that is a "must see".

Unfortunately I don´t know how to upload it here, don´t even know if it´s possible.

Anyway, it´s from a bed store, selling a waterbed and it´s really funny to see when people are trying to lie down, as it´s a fake waterbed.

 

Keewee if you are interested to see this one, send me your e-mail

and that goes for anyone else interested to see this one.

 

It will for sure make you laugh LOL

 

Edit: I found it on youtube "Fake waterbed", check it out LOL

http://youtube.com/results?search_query=waterbed

Edited by Solan109
Link to comment

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

 

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

 

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

 

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

 

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

Link to comment

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

 

"I'm here for the paint job," she said.

 

"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."

 

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

 

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

Link to comment

It’s a sure sign that you’re antiquated if you go to a gallery of modern art expecting to see landscapes and portraits.

 

Hi Ble68 - because you're post #117, and for sheer perserverance I award you the next prize - a Kiwi Fruit GeoJellie!!

 

And to everyone else out there who is up at the moment - there are still a couple of coins left to go... get in while the going is good, while the majority are sleeping :lol:

 

Next coin up for grabs is a keewee 2007 GeoTag.

 

Thanks a bunch Keewee I emailed you my address. This is so much fun!

Link to comment

Ok, here's a true story.

 

I'm an American in Sweden married to a Swede and we have kids here.

 

Since there are so many different nationalities here a lot of kids are raised bilingual.

 

We have friends whos' twins are TRI-lingual - Swedish, Bulgarian and English and they are only 4 years old!

 

In Bulgarian to make something plural you add an "i" to it.

 

To make a long story short, Anders' little boy came running into the living room one night shouting... "pappa, pappa, there's a "kiw" in the refrigerator and I want it, can I have it?"

 

Anders, of course, was totally perplexed, as he couldn't figure out what the heck a "kiw" was in any of the three languages that they speak in the house, so he went to look.

 

The little guy wanted a kiwi! He had been thinking in Bulgarian and that the "i" in kiwi made it plural, so to him it was only natural to say he wanted a "kiw" since there was only one and he wanted only one!

 

And that, oh honored birthday one, is my cute kid, true story of the day! Prolly not that funny, but given your nickname, I thought it was relevant :lol:

 

Happy happy!

Link to comment

Did you know that here in Germany we have kiwis too (the plant, not the bird)? My uncle has one kiwi plant in his garden, and every year he can harvest tons (ok, kilograms, more than 50 kg!) of delicious kiwis, big ones which look and taste as good as the ones we buy at the supermarket. Really amazing!

Steinwälzer

Link to comment

Candy Gram

 

I was going to give you 100 GRAND for you birthday, but the money slipped throug my BUTTERFINGER. I didn't have a WHATCHAMACALLIT to sell and it wasn't PAYDAY. My checking account was ZERO so I couldn't do my shopping on 5TH AVENUE. I didn't think a pet KITKAT or a trip to MARS or seeing the MILKY WAY would be appropriate. I do want to wish you MOUNDS of ALMOND JOY as you SKOR up another birthday. Enjoy and eat up this card wth my best wishes. I hope it doesn't make you ROLOver and get sick. If it does, I promise not to SNICKER.

 

HUGS & KISSES!

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Followers 8
×
×
  • Create New...