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The "It's My Birthday" Cointest


keewee

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Bumper Sticker Humor

 

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

 

Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.

 

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

 

I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.

 

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

 

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

 

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

 

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

 

Illiterate? Write For Help.

 

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

 

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

 

He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,

But is Miles From The Next Exit.

 

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits

With An Unarmed Person.

 

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

 

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

 

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

 

(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

 

Guys: No Shirt, No Service

Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

 

If Walking Is So Good For You, Why Does

My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

 

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

 

Boldly Going Nowhere.

 

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

 

Heart Attacks: God's Revenge

For Eating His Animal Friends

 

Honk If You've Never Seen

An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

 

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down

Before He Admits He is Lost?

 

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

 

"Politicians And Diapers Should Be Changed Often

And For The Same Reason"

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A big thanks to all my well wishers! :grin: It good to see so much friendlyness out there / in here!!

 

Remember - no Australia bashing - although it my be tempting, they are our friends, and we have to feel a little sorry for them because the All Blacks WILL soon win the world cup.

 

Big JohnP - I've always liked you avatar too! I must do some trading with you.

 

Nice try CBs - but not quite.

 

I just got back from New Zealand and it was amazing!!!! We were only in the Northern part of North Island (Aukland, Rotorua) but it was amazing. I was surprised at how cold it was, and wasnt really prepared for the wetness, as i tried to pack light for my 3 week trip. I didnt get any chance to geocache either, which stunk, but i still had a great time. I spent a day with a family that was really interested by GPS, and we went to their 600 acre farm and moved some cows around. not somehting i would normaly get to do in Rochester NY. We climbed Mt. Mong-Gi-new-ee (no clue how to spell it) in the pouring rain too. I'm still getting adjusted to the time difference, and i've slept until noon every day this week. Im ready to go back!!!

 

Mount Maunganui - but that's OK, I had to look it up! You're welcome back anytime.

 

We're gearing up for Caleb's b-day (which is the 18th). As well, Caleb's little brother is named Tolkien - if only there were some way to connect that to New Zealand. Think, think, think!!!

 

Sigh.

 

Happy birthday! NZ is number one on our "places to visit" list. Someday!

 

Cheers,

 

Paul and Stacey

 

Make sure you do visit. We have a spare bedroom to accomodate visiting geocachers. :grin:

 

hasselhoff_birthday.jpg

 

~tsun :D

 

P.S. It was just too funny not to post, sorry....

 

Um... Thanks for that Steph - I had to go wash my eyes out with caustic soda after seeing it! :grin:

 

Happy Birthday Keewee. Wish I was in NZ. Hows the weather.

 

it was cold and wet!!!! its winter there. still awesome though

 

It might have been cold and wet in the north, but down here the last 3 weeks have been almost spring like! Except for a couple of days. It has been strangely warm. Was wet overnight, so no -3 frost this morning, but it's not too cold out there.

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:grin:

 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

A&T - you've been posting some awesome jokes so I think you deserve a little something. Send me your details, there is a glitter version of my Kiwi Fruit GeoJellie going in the post for you! Congrat's!

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Happy Birthday!

================================

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth

and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

 

ROTFLMAO!!!!!! OK - thats good. That gets you a keewee 2007 GeoTag. Send me you details please. Congrat's.

 

Next up another Kiwi Fruit GeoJellie.

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These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

 

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

 

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

 

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

 

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

 

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

 

War Dims Hope For Peace

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

 

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

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Forget about the past, you can't change it.

Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't get you one

 

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.

I told my computer that today is my birthday,

and it said I needed an upgrade.

 

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"

"His employees replied again, "No."

Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"

His workers responded, "A puppy."

 

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

They were all born on holidays.

 

Blowing out candles is good exercise for the lungs.

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A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

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Q: What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?

A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

 

Here's another one of those great birthday jokes:

When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

 

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh, I don't know", she said. "Just give me something with diamonds". That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

 

If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it's been proven mathematically).

 

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.

 

Here's another one of those great birthday jokes:

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

 

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

 

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?

A. Stone Age!

 

Q. What goes up and never comes down?

A. Your age!

 

Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?

A. Musical Hares!

 

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?

A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!

 

Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

 

It's not about age, it's about attitude.

 

Here's another one of those great birthday jokes:

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

 

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

 

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane

 

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost

 

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

 

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!

 

You were born an original. Don't die a copy. - John Mason

 

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?

Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

 

When is your birthday?

17th January.

What year?

Every year!

 

Here are some more great birthday jokes:

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?

It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

 

Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?

The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

 

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?

In a cat-alogue!

 

Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?

He wanted to have a birthday potty!

 

Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?

Because people kept toasting him!

 

What does a clam do on his birthday?

He shellabrates!

 

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."

Next time, take off the candles."

 

Here are some more great birthday jokes:

Where would you learn to make ice cream?

At sundae school.

 

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope

 

What is the left side of a birthday cake?

The side that's not eaten.

 

Q. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?

A. No, they both burn shorter!

 

Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?

A. Because it was feeling crumby!

 

Q. What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?

A. Angel food cake!

 

What did one candle say to the other?

"Don't birthdays burn you up?"

 

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?

Because it was marble cake!

 

Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.

 

some of these have all ready been said.

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Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn’t help it.

 

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”

 

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Christmas morning.

 

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.

 

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

 

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud rumo trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

 

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

 

“Honey,” he said. “You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

 

“What do you mean?” asked Martha.

 

“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

 

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

 

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas

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A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

 

The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”

 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, “Boy, go git yo Momma…”

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How to Clean the Toilet:

 

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

Sincerely,

A DOG

 

Happy Birthday

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A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,

"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this

time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

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Q: What do birthday candles and the Buffalo Bills have in common?

A: They get blown out on the same day every year.

 

ouch. that hurts. what did the Bills ever do to you? hahaha. ok, so yeah, they arent the best. BUT, it is equal to watching Americas Funniest Videos when you watch their games. :lol::lol:;)

 

im a bills fan that is willing to admit that they arent going anywhere soon

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A chicken walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they have chicken feed the bartender says No.

The next day the chicken asks the bartender agian the bartender yells no.

The next day the chicken asks agian the bartender yells, if you ask me agian i'll nail you to the wall.

The next day the chicken asks the bartender if he has nails the bartener says no so the chicken asks do you have any chicken feed.

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Q: What do birthday candles and the Buffalo Bills have in common?

A: They get blown out on the same day every year.

 

ouch. that hurts. what did the Bills ever do to you? hahaha. ok, so yeah, they arent the best. BUT, it is equal to watching Americas Funniest Videos when you watch their games. :lol:;):)

 

im a bills fan that is willing to admit that they arent going anywhere soon

LOL sorry!! :lol:

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I walked out my front door a little while ago after the first afternoon shower we've had in a while, and what to my amazement did I see?

 

Well, it was Keewee's birthday present!

 

A beautiful rainbow stretched ALL the way across the sky! Nothing better than that to wrap up a person's birthday.

 

Now, Keewee, I don't know know where it ended, so I don't know where your pot of gold is, but I hope you find it, and have a ball making new geocoins, or sig items, or whatever you want to make with it!!

 

I would have taken a picture for you of your rainbow, but my camera kind of took a mud bath on a recent cache hike when I misstepped off an 8-foot cliff into probably the ONLY mud puddle in the county!

 

And I would have taken a picture on my cell phone, but it was in the other pocket from the camera when I went over. It actually survived the mud bath, only to fall prey to the washing machine!! Yea, I don't think it liked the spin cycle too well. Believe it or not, it STILL works after replacing the battery, just some of the lights don't light up now, and even going through a whole wash cycle didn't wash out the mud spot that still shows up in the pictures! lol

 

But anyways, have a beautiful, rainbow-filled birthday wherever you are, because you are a pot of gold!! :lol:

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I walked out my front door a little while ago after the first afternoon shower we've had in a while, and what to my amazement did I see?

 

Well, it was Keewee's birthday present!

 

A beautiful rainbow stretched ALL the way across the sky! Nothing better than that to wrap up a person's birthday.

 

Now, Keewee, I don't know know where it ended, so I don't know where your pot of gold is, but I hope you find it, and have a ball making new geocoins, or sig items, or whatever you want to make with it!!

 

I would have taken a picture for you of your rainbow, but my camera kind of took a mud bath on a recent cache hike when I misstepped off an 8-foot cliff into probably the ONLY mud puddle in the county!

 

And I would have taken a picture on my cell phone, but it was in the other pocket from the camera when I went over. It actually survived the mud bath, only to fall prey to the washing machine!! Yea, I don't think it liked the spin cycle too well. Believe it or not, it STILL works after replacing the battery, just some of the lights don't light up now, and even going through a whole wash cycle didn't wash out the mud spot that still shows up in the pictures! lol

 

But anyways, have a beautiful, rainbow-filled birthday wherever you are, because you are a pot of gold!! :lol:

 

we saw about one every day we were in new zealand. here you go keewee!!

n1362780262_30051522_918.jpg

n1362780262_30051531_4164.jpg

Edited by ByrnedFish
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Here are some tell-tale signs it’s gonna be a bad day. If any of these things happen, DO NOT leave the house. Crawl back into bed and start over again tomorrow.

 

You wake up face down on the pavement.

 

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

 

You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.

 

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

 

Your income check bounces.

 

Your pet rock snaps at you.

 

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

 

Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.

 

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

 

You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

 

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

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I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”

 

The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

 

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

 

Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”

 

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

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Things That Are Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:

 

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:

 

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

 

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk:

 

1. Nope, no more booze for me!

2. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

3. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

6. I’m not interested in fighting you.

7. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!

8. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

9. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

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