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The "It's My Birthday" Cointest


keewee
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Saw this joke and thought it was funny :grin:

 

"Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told

my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the

hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3

a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in thedoor,the

cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed

another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such

a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to

escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told

him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away

with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I

asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three

times, then said, "Oh crap.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's

throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and

then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

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Hmmm...a funny one.... :grin:

 

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

 

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

 

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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Happy Birthday, Keewee!

 

Because you may be too busy later to see the sunset, here's one for you to enjoy anytime :grin:

 

This was taken at the Grand Canyon in AZ when I was there two weeks ago.

 

May you have many happy birthdays to come and all the beautiful sunsets and sunrises you desire!

 

T1

 

6f6db7a7-dbf8-4331-b3e4-312d76f64641.jpg

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This old and funny joke

 

Famous hiter got all Power .

 

deaf was there too .. when hiter talk to all and deaf thought he was blah about so ....deaf sign to each other and almost got all attiosn .... hiter him to go him camp ......when he at his camp ... he ask him how you get all ofthem on you ... he gave him 3 day to found out what cause it ... so when 3 day over ... he show him how like what hinter did raise right hand and he went back and did ... all people did this and got bump other head so on and so foward .... deaf laugh so hard ... here why

 

HE saw other men went bathroom at wood and act like went o bathroom ... raise left hand on wood and take care men thing ,......

 

it joke :grin:

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Here's a good one... :grin:

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

 

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

 

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

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Happy Birthday Keewee!!!!!!!

 

This is one funny topic!!!! I havent read all of em...But boy how amusing! I sure wish I had waited to post my topic...kinda puts a damper on my posts!

 

Ya know... Ill tell ya the corniest caching joke I came up with. Please forgive me on how corny it really is!!!

 

What does a cacher do on Friday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He goes to check his cache!!! :grin::grin::grin:

 

I gotta read all these posts...and getcha a good one! Till then gotta bunch of stuff to take care of

 

 

Happy Birthday Buddy!

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:grin:

 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Edited by Arthur & Trillian
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Happy Birthday.... here's a good clean joke:

 

Sally Black, a local loan officer, was having a slow day at the office until a frog came in for a loan. They started filling out the paperwork needed and they soon came to the collateral section.

"Do you have any collateral?" Asked Sally

The frog slowly pulled out an old statue. Sally just stared for a moment and then asked the frog to wait a moment while she asked her boss about his "collateral" Sally quickly explained the situation to her boss, to which he replied "It's a knick-knack, Sally Black. Give the Frog a loan"

 

tehe.......

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Happy Birthday, Keewee.

 

I am not good a jokes but this was emailed to me yesterday.

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers: 'Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat

room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

.

.

.

.

.

 

You got Male!

Edited by fossillady
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Happy Birthday!

================================

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth

and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

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Happy Birthday keewee.

 

 

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

 

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

 

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I re ally like the name Denise. "What's the boy's name?"

 

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

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Here is another for you.

 

Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then

went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

 

"Gootness, it's hotter Dan hell today," she mused to herself as

she walked down Main Street . She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy

nodt?"

 

She walked in and took a seat at the bar.The bartender walked up

and asked her what she would like to drink.

 

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer"

 

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

 

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

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Happy birthday!!

 

This joke is better outloud.

 

Soo... this guy is really lonely and decides he wants a pet. He goes to the pet shop and looks at all the different pets there. He looks at the cats and dogs but they shed too much. The mice, gerbils, and hamsters look too boring. The snakes and frogs look too slimey. Finally he settles on a millipede. It moves slowly and doesn't look too intimidating. The owner puts it in a box for him, he pays, and goes home. When he gets home he makes a little house for the millipede and some furniture (he's really lonely..). He can't think of anything else to do so he says "Millipede.. I have an idea.. let's go to church." There's no answer. "Millipede, let's go." There's no answer. "Hey! Millipede! I'm talking to you." There's a silence...

 

Finally, a little voice comes from the house (use your high squeaky voice now) "I heard you the first time.. I'm putting on my shoes!"

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Happy b-day KeeWee!

 

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

 

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

 

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

 

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

 

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

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42cc830a-ea4b-4ed9-bf4f-4ad6512d045b.jpg

 

Happy Birthday Craig! :grin:

 

I have just re-written my will, and in it, I have left you ALL of my geocoins!!

 

Daily horoscope for Leo, 17th August:

 

Leo:

 

You can expect a very fun day today, full of silliness and laughter galore. Take time to enjoy yourself, and put aside any serious work for a while if you can. Opt for enjoying social time instead of engaging in study time, and you'll stay energized and smiling all day. It's not that your workload isn't enjoyable -- it's just that you need to engage your fun side more than your studious side right now. It's way overdue for a serious workout!

Edited by Cheesy pigs
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Well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Keewee from another Leo (me)! I hope YOUR DAY was (is) great! I don't know what the weather "down there" is like but here it has been HOTTT. Only 92 f today but in the past week it has been as hot as 105 f (we are having a cold spell here with the 92 f LOL). I have been resting at home today because I had to go to the doctor for a "procedure". Everything is ok but being knocked out is never a picnic. I'll be back to my same old self by tomorrow. Hope all is well for you and yours.

 

Love, Sarah (CF30)

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Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

 

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

 

His employees replied, "No."

 

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"

 

"His employees replied again, "No."

 

Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"

 

His workers responded, "A puppy."

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Happy birthday!!

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

 

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,

"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this

time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

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:grin: Ok, I couldn't resist this one... Sorry if anyone is offended but really! It's funny! :grin:

 

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

 

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

 

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

 

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board."

 

:grin:

 

CF30

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